Tag: psychological pain

exhausted from being tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

exhausted from being tired

It’s another night of pain so of course I am up. I am so tired and exhausted from fighting pain all the damn time. You think I would be able to sleep. Lately, I have been taking my pain meds with coffee to fight off the drowsiness effect of the pills. I do this to avoid sleeping all day but then I have nights, like tonight, where I can’t sleep.

I have been thinking more about my plan. I have been crying most of the night because I know I will be hurting everyone around me and then some. I keep having this argument in my head of what my therapy session will be like tomorrow. I told my therapist in a text I was done. That things were over. I was half expecting a response but I didn’t get one. Then I texted her that I would have cancelled session but it was too late to do so. I told her I might not be in the mood to talk, pretty much like I was today.

I don’t really know when I will go through with my plan. I know it’s not going to be this week because it’s too damn hot. I want the weather to be cooler as the place that I have chosen is outdoors. I thought about writing a will tonight but I was too tearful. All day I have been tearful, which is weird because it takes so much for me to cry. I guess the pain has finally broken me down.

My sister texted me earlier about a party they are having for my uncle. I guess she was inviting me to go. But I hate going over there because that means an all day affair and I really don’t want to spend more than a couple of hours at my cousins. I will just be bored. I can be bored at home. Besides, more than a few hours sitting or standing for any length of time always brings me more pain in my leg. Sorry Uncle Bob but I can’t see you because my pain is too great. Just another reason for me to off myself.

I kind of feel like I should hang around till after the election to find out who will win. Trump made a huge blunder today and his supporters are all covering for him saying “he didn’t mean it that way”. Like hell he didn’t. Then he tweeted saying “what he meant to say”, which made no fucking sense. It was an outright lie. Yet he has the audacity to call Clinton a liar. My vote won’t count because I’ll be fucking dead. I know I definitely don’t want to be around for the shitshow when the baby loses nor be around should he win. The country will be going to hell and war. Such a sad state of affairs and then they wonder why the suicide rate is so high. I think there was another suicide tonight on the red line. There was a medical emergency that called for shuttle bus services so I can only guess there was a jumper.

It’s a strange feeling when you have the power to end your life whenever you want to. I know that I could go to the hospital but for what exactly? Hospitals haven’t exactly proven to save lives, not when it comes to suicide anyway. They usually precipitate a suicide. The only regret that I have is that I won’t be finishing my reading challenge for the year. I was so looking forward to reading at least 40 books this year and unless I spend every waking moment reading in the next few weeks, I just don’t see it happening. I have 25 books to go. I have no idea what will become of the books I do have. Some of them are brand spanking new. I suppose they can be donated to the library. I know that my suicide books I want donated to my therapist. She should have a suicide library. It won’t be doing me any good anymore.

I keep thinking about how to tell my psychiatrist goodbye. That is going to be tough and tricky. I have known her longer than I have known my therapist. I have written her multiple goodbye letters over the course of my suicidality. I never once gave her any of them. The last email that I sent her that was sort of a goodbye she sectioned me so I have been cautious about giving her letters such as these. I give too soon and I could be found and hospitalized against my will.

I have noticed a pattern over the years. Every year between August through October I become wicked suicidal, more so than at any other time of year. It has been going on since I was a teenager. Back then, you could expect to be admitted for months. Now you are lucky to be admitted for more than a week. This time, I am not going to be admitted, I am just going to follow through with my ideas. I am tired of living. I am tired of being in severe physical pain. I am too complex to be taken seriously by my practitioners. My therapist said with bated breath today that she loved me. I could tell it wasn’t really true because she really hesitated before saying it. It was like she had to prepare herself to say it quickly so to get it out of the way. I will miss her. I know my death will destroy her but I can’t help that. I tried to get her to get rid of me years ago but she still held on. It’s her fault it will hurt. I told her she could leave at any stage of the game. Now the game is over, I’m afraid. Stalemate.

had enough 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Had enough

Tonight I was brushing my teeth before bed and when I came back to my room, my ankle and back were screaming at me. It set off my frustration gears to suicide really fast. I can’t do this anymore. It’s one thing to battle with voices and shitty depressions, but to be in constant physical pain just wears you out. I am done.

I haven’t told anyone. I started ranting on Twitter and then someone responded with “do I have someone to talk to”. I responded with “why bother”? It’s not like someone can really help me. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I was fed up. And then I started crying. I don’t know why. I guess my frustration got the better of me. Once the weather cools off some, I will go through with my plan. It’s not fool proof and there is a possibility of being rescued but I am hoping I choose the time of day where there is apt to be less people around.

I found out today that one of my neighbors died in her sleep. She was 89 years old. She had moved to a place that her son thought was safer for her and she died alone. I feel bad for her and her family.

Everyone is talking about the upcoming election and all I can think about is how I am not going to be around to not cast my vote. I hope to be gone by the time September comes around. Or maybe mid-September. I don’t know. I would do it tomorrow if the humidity wasn’t going to be 90. All I did was stand for less than five fucking minutes to brush my damn teeth. It had to be done because I forgot to brush them yesterday. My mouth was starting to feel like a sewer. Plus I had popcorn tonight and wanted to get the kernels out of my teeth. Unreal. I am just so upset. I could see if I did the second staircase today like I wanted to. Then that would be cause for me being sore, but I didn’t and I was well rested. I don’t understand how I can be in pain. I just don’t.

I hope my psychiatrist responds within the next couple of days. She is still on vacation so I know she is not going to respond right away. She might not respond at all. And I am so pissed my therapist didn’t call me. Sure, we are talking tomorrow, but I wanted to talk to her today. I left her a message saying to call me today. It really bothers me when she doesn’t because then I think she doesn’t care about me. And that hurts. If my psych was available right now I would be paging her.

I just don’t know what to do. I am hurting on so many levels despite taking my meds. I took my pain meds with my night meds tonight because I was hurting. That was at 2000, three hours ago. I am still in pain but not as bad. It’s like maybe a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10. That kind of pain is my “normal”. But it’s annoying the crap out of me tonight. The throbbing is what drives me crazy. And it doesn’t help that my right hip hurts because I was standing for five fucking minutes brushing my teeth. I don’t know what to do with this pain because nothing makes it goes away. It comes and goes on its own.

I sincerely hope that come election in November I am a pile of dust somewhere in Massachusetts.

Writing Itch 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing itch 3

My writing itch continues. I am afraid that it started when I was reading a book about writing a novel. I have no clue how to write a novel nor do I ever plan on writing one because, frankly, I am not that creative. I basically write about my experiences in my blog and then if I feel that particular blog is good, I store it in my “book” folder to be published later. I feel like I am writing a second memoir though it’s really just short stories about mental illness, particularly about psychosis. I was going to throw in a story about narcissism but it was too close to my father and I just couldn’t write about it without thinking about him.

Speaking of him, I still haven’t cried for him, at all, since his death three months ago. I get sad about this but how can you cry when you are relieved he is gone? That the terror you felt as a child and an adult is finally out of life for good? I can’t call him a “dad” because he wasn’t one in any sense of the word. To me, he will always be my father and that is all.

I am wicked tired but I can’t sleep because of this writing itch. I like that I get into these itches but what I write is garbage. They are just words on a screen. I don’t even know if I make sense. I was feeling tired earlier this evening. I should have napped then but then I would probably wake up at this hour and be doing what I am doing. Writing nonsense.

I added a story to my book. I am up to 115 pages so far. I have 85 pages to go. Once I finish reading the Adler chapter, I think I am going to write some pages from the Daily Post word prompts that I have been saving. I think it will do me some good to write them. Lord knows I have enough notebooks to write my stories in them. I just hope that I write at least 850 words per word prompt. That is my word goal. If I write more than that, so be it, but I want each prompt to be at least 850 words.

I finally broke down and wrote to my favorite author, Lawrence Block. I felt like I had to because it felt important to me that he should know how I feel about his work. I don’t know if I will get a response or not. But at least I told him my feelings.

Today, there was something on Facebook about ISIS. It set me off in my delusions. I also read my blogs from March 2015 and realized my delusions started then about ISIS. I am really surprised that neither my psychiatrist nor my therapist gave any weight to my delusions. I think if they did, I probably wouldn’t be struggling today with so much psychotic symptoms. Of course, this is all in hindsight. This stuff won’t be making it’s way into my book because I am not sure of copyright issues and stuff. I just have been calling them snakeheads because they are being controlled by alien parasites that look like snakes, though they are far more uglier than snakes. Still scares me though.

Tomorrow I am going to try and sweep the stairs of the dust that has accumulated on there since the last sweeping. I will try and wash them as well but it all depends on if my back cooperates with me or not. Lately, the slights movement and it seems to go out on me. I made dinner tonight and had to sit down while cooking because the spasms were so intense. I don’t know why it gets like that. Drives me crazy.

Writing Itch 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychache, psychosis

Writing Itch 2

I have been trying all sorts of things to get my mind of the writing itch, I even tried writing in my journal but nothing has scratch it so it calms down.

I am listening to the ball game because it usually calms me down, even though I get excited while listening. They have a new player on the team and I am excited to hear how he pans out.

I have been trying hard on what to write and I still got nothing so this might just be a rant of sorts or just a random thoughts put on a computer screen. Today I read about how my favorite actor, Wil Wheaton was having trouble finding work as an on-screen actor. He really misses being an actor. I miss seeing him on the screen. I wish they would give him a chance because I really think he is a good actor. But I guess as young actors age, they don’t find work so easily. He is busy writing, which has kept him busy. I guess it’s better than doing nothing. And I know how hard it is to write. But he is more creative than I am. I write every day but I don’t think it’s substantial. I have questioned whether what I write really helps people because I don’t get many likes like I used to and my comments are down.

I don’t know if people reading this right now have read my previous blog of the day. I am reading a chapter on the psychologist/psychiatrist Adler. He has a unique perspective of how to treat diagnosis by treating the whole person rather than the diagnosis. It’s kind of what my therapist has been doing, treating me as a person rather than a diagnosis. My psychiatrist also does the same thing. She has been the most liberal psych that I ever had, but the she has been the ONLY outpatient psychiatrist I ever had. I say liberal because she is not a drug pusher like some psychiatrists are. She rather you take less medication than more. That is why I was kind of shocked that when we restarted the Zoloft, I thought she wanted me on 50 mg and instead she wanted me on 100 mg. That is the only time that we kind of disagreed but I am glad I am on 100 mg because it is helping me cope better. It hasn’t really “cured” me of my depression, like most medications, but it does relief some of the symptoms.

I was reading an old notebook that had some journal entries about therapy way back in 2001. It talked about my therapy sessions and what was going on then. I found that despite the years, I am no better. Even though I was reading some blogs from last year, things are the same as far as being depressed and suicidal. I want to “fix” myself but have not been able to find the right treatment even though I have been in treatment. Medication and talk therapy only goes so far. I think that if I wasn’t in chronic pain all the time, I would most likely be better off. I guess you really have to be careful what you wish for because there were times before Cauda Equina Syndrome entered my life that I sometimes wish I was in physical pain than in emotional pain. I had no idea how debilitating physical pain could be. I thought it would be “easier” because there are medications for physical pain. But the daily pain that I have is so exhausting. Even with me trying to take a shower this afternoon was tiring and painful. I could barely stand for 10 minutes to shower. I had to sit for a little bit before I could shut the water off and dry myself. It was terrible. I don’t wish this on my worst enemies. I knew back then in 2000 that I had a bad back. I never should have gone to a chiropractor but I did because it was some relief. I should have stopped going when I was better but they just suck you in for more adjustments because it’s “better for your health”. Yea, right. I wouldn’t recommend them for shit now and especially if you have herniated discs in your back or neck. That is just causing trouble.

This month marks sixteen years that I have known my therapist. We met for the first time but unfortunately, I couldn’t see her right away because of insurance issues. I was so thankful that in January she was still accepting patients. I really don’t know what I would do without her. She has been my voice of reason at times, even though she can be a real pain in the ass as well. She has saved my life numerous times, by telling me she cares for me and sometimes she loves me. I know it’s a kind of love that two people have because I love her, too, though I don’t show it often. I was pretty much in love with her the day I met her. I remember a session where I finally admitted my feelings for her and the next day I saw her, she wore a mini skirt and her legs were and are gorgeous. She doesn’t wear skirts anymore, least not short ones since she is married but good god almighty, I could hardly speak that day. And I was totally like, you got to be kidding me. I got her a birthday present that I will give her at the end of the month when I see her again. Her birthday is this weekend. Got to love Google for helping me find these things about her.

There is a LOT of stuff that I have given her over the years. She must have a file cabinet just for my letters alone. I used to write to her all the time when we were seeing each other. That was when I had a car and she was local, not out in the boonies like she is today. I do miss seeing her but talking on the phone is fine. I think it’s better because I have more face to face contact with her when I see her than I did before. I still might look at the floor than talking with her but there is definitely more face contact. Before I would just spend the entire session looking at a chair or the floor or something on her rug. Anything but her face. It was too scary because I didn’t want the connection. Now that we have the connection, I can look at her without worry, though it still is scary at times.

I sent her the link to my blog again about Chronic pain and suicidality. I want her to read it before our next session because I think it’s important for her to know. She didn’t have time to read it on Monday or before today’s session. If she doesn’t read it, I feel like why bother sending her stuff. Same with the letters. That is why I don’t write them anymore because she doesn’t read them or it takes her a long time to get to them. I know she only has a few minutes between sessions but I just feel like she is missing out on my work if she doesn’t read what I send her. I rather her be late to session than her not reading my blog or letter. If I am putting effort into this thing, the least she can do is try to read it.

I counted my antipsychotic pills (trilafon) and found that I will run out before I see my psychiatrist again. I will have to email her to send another script sometime next week. I thought I wouldn’t run out but if I am taking 2 a day, I will run out. I need to take 2 to keep the paranoia and voices down. I find that it works best if I take it twice a day than once a day. I know my psych just wants me to take it once a day but it doesn’t cover me the whole day. I have tried to just take it at night because that is when the voices are at the worst. It just doesn’t seem to hold me and then a few hours later I will need another dose because I am still up battling the voices so I can sleep. I don’t want to bother her as she is on vacation. She did ask me if I was set on meds and I thought I would be okay with the trilafon but I miscalculated. 30 pills only gets you so far in two weeks. Some days I need 12 mg because the voices are so damn bad. I have been getting musical hallucinations lately that have been god awful. I hear a song over and over like it is playing but it’s not. And it plays the entire song over and over. I have tried listening to music to stop it from playing but it doesn’t help. Then there are a battle between what is in my head and what is actually playing on my MP3 player. It sucks. Least the lyrics haven’t changed so that is good. Sometimes the lyrics will tell me to do things, even if I have heard the same song a million times. It’s just odd. But it’s just part of the psychosis. And it’s worse at night than during the day. Everything is worse at night. My pain, physically and mentally, the voices, the songs, the paranoia, the delusions. Everything.