Tag: psychotherapist

We Were

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

We were

This song was playing when I started typing so I thought I would share it. It is a song by Keith Urban and called We Were. I really love this song. It is on his new album, which I am not sure has come out or not. There are a few artists that I haven’t gotten their new stuff yet. I know he is one and Blake Shelton is the other.

Surgeon got back to me finally. I am to manage the tachy and headaches with rest but still try and walk around. If this continues, then it needs to be explored surgically. So I am done complaining about this matter. No way I am going back under.

There is another song that I am listening to right now by David Nail. It is called Oh Mother and it deals with the depression that he suffers from. It is a beautiful song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j01POMsqQGU

Back has been bothering me most of the day today. And my ankle too. I have taken my BT meds and some Zanaflex for the spasms. It helped a little bit. I am still in pain. I wanted to take a nap this afternoon but I kept on dreaming weird shit so I couldn’t doze off. I was too afraid of what I might dream.

I have been in a sucky mood for most of the afternoon and early evening. I just feel so depressed and the surgeon’s reply made me feel more depressed. I asked him if being on steroids again would stop the need for surgery. I really don’t want to go under the knife again. But I also don’t want to be walking around places with my heart beating rapidly and then become short of breath.

Writing Something is better than nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing Something is better than nothing

I woke up with my med alarm ringing. I didn’t know what the noise was but I wanted it to stop. It was ringing for a good ten minutes before I finally became coherent enough to shut it off. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom. I did my business then brushed my teeth. I needed caffeine if I was going to have therapy in an hour. I made a cup of tea as half and half seems to be a rare commodity these days. I need it for coffee but seeing as I didn’t have it, I made tea. It was strong and full bodied so I enjoyed my cup.

Therapy was a disaster. I didn’t feel like talking. It was too early in the fucking morning and I guess my therapist finally clued in that this time was not a good time to chat. We changed it for a later time next week on Tues. Just as well as I am not liking these virtual visits. It is so hard to think of something to say. I felt like pulling out my notebook that jotted down some stuff but wasn’t sure if she would approve. Frankly I just wanted to get back to bed. I didn’t care about anything else. I told her about the need to lay flat and that I have a leak. This recovery is taking its own sweet time. I don’t like it. It is too slow for my tastes. So naturally I got a headache today. Luckily, Tylenol took care of it. I was running a low grade temp last night that had me very worried. It didn’t go above 99.6 and ibuprofen took care of it. I have not been running anything close to 98 degrees right now. I am glad. I still feel like shit and if I do anything that requires effort, my heart rate goes nuts.

Last night my nephew was worried as I was so out of breath after I took my shower. It took me a while for me to catch my breath. My heart rate was bananas. I made up a container of water and then I made a container of Gatorade. I haven’t made one today. I should as I haven’t been drinking that much today. I will make a container when my sister leaves my house. I don’t feel like talking to her right now. I just am not in a talkative mood.

I am debating on contacting my therapist for another session this week. I feel like I should make amends to my non-talkative mood this morning. Part of me feels like she is mad at me but I know that isn’t true. I wonder if my therapist is sick of me. I always seem to go back and forth. Like I want to move forward but I rather do it two steps back to make sure I have room to fall. I’ve always done this with every therapist I’ve had. She is the first one in nearly twenty years to challenge me on my thoughts. She wants me to get better. The question is, do I want to?

Sunday Palindrome International Day 02022020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder

Sunday Palindrome International Day 02022020

I am a number nerd. I don’t know how I became one, probably because when I was little I wanted to be a mathematician like the show I was watching that right now I cannot remember. It was a spin off of some detective cop show called Dragnet. The math show was called Mathnet and it was really interesting. I think it played for three seasons and then it was cancelled. I felt bad because I really loved this show. So today’s date, 02022020, is an International Palindrome because both US and Europe write today’s date the same way for the first time in forever.

I haven’t been able to find out if that little rodent called ground hog saw his shadow or not today. They always bring about the movie Ground Hog Day. It is a movie that I have not seen, mostly because I am not a Bill Murray fan. I did sort of like him in Ghostbusters. I tolerated his presence.

Today I was going to try and make room to have access to the alcove in my room. Only problem is that my foot and ankle bones are being crushed and hurt really bad. Some pressure fluctuations are going on and my foot isn’t liking it one bit. Pressure is 29.34 right now. I am going to keep track of it because this bone pain is horrific. I just want to die right now and I am wondering why I cannot act on my thoughts. It’s always a slippery slope. I feel like I should be in the hospital but with the catharizing and upcoming neurosurg appointment, I really can’t be in right now. I was feeling hopeful earlier as I sent off an email to my psychiatrist to see if she is still going to write a letter saying I can have top surgery. I really would like to have these suckers off in the fall of this year.

I was having a weird something going on last night. In this something I was imagining telling my therapist how I feel about her. It came out in a sarcastic tone and then it got serious and we spent time talking about whether or not to continue. I have developed feelings for female therapists for nearly every one of the 14 I have had. Only two were male in this psychotherapy stuff, not counting group therapy. My therapist is around my age (so she says). She is cute and funny and sarcastic as all hell. She also has a caring side but doesn’t show it that often, which annoys me. She doesn’t want me to depend on her and I get that but I really need to know that she cares or this is just not going to work. I understand she wants to work with “this population of people” but that isn’t the same as knowing you give a shit about me. I can’t work with someone who doesn’t care because I feel it is worthless trying to. I’ve had my doubts about her since the first day I met her. I just don’t know if she is the right one or not. Yes, it has been seven months we have been working together. There are qualities about her that I really like but if I don’t feel cared for, then I don’t think it is worth it. I’ve never had a therapist this straightforward before. She doesn’t tolerate my “I don’t knows”. Instead of saying, “yea you do” she will say think about it then answer whatever it is that she asked for. I am very quick to run away from my feelings and she knows this. Trying to stay with my feelings are so damn difficult. I want to feel blank most of the time because it better than feeling turmoil. She challenges me and I challenge her with my quick runaway from feelings. She always brings it back to me when I run away from something. Lately she has been catching on so will stop the maneuvering away and that is the roadblock. I will shut down and it is so hard to go back to that place I was just a few seconds ago. I will also do this while blogging. Feelings will come up and I will take a break by going on the internet for a long while then come back to the word doc and be like where the hell was I. It is then hard to get back into writing the blog because I lost the feeling for too long. I have been trying not to do this, to stay with it and keep focus like my therapist is slowly teaching me. But it is so hard because I always want to run away. I don’t want to feel.

I need a nap but I am not sure my pain will let me. It’s 3pm right now. If I get at least a half hour’s rest, I should be good. I really need to lay down as my back has been hurting as well. Not horribly so but just annoying. Also worries me because I think I am going to have back surgery. I think the pain meds have been blocking my back pain so I don’t know how bad things really are aside from the bladder issues. I am so damn nervous. I might be blogging about this all week so if you are a daily reader, now you know what is going to be written about every day this week or whenever I post my blog.

walking too much

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, suicide

Walking too much

Yesterday was my first double header since being sick. I am not 100% well so I was really tired when I got to my second appointment. I am glad the two buildings were close to one another but there was still some walking involved. Therapy was a little rough. I am experiencing so much feeling and she doesn’t put up with much in between stuff. She likes to stay on topic and squeeze shit out of me when I don’t want to. I have hid from my feelings for a long time so this is completely new to me, to have a therapist that actually wants to work on feelings and stuff. I talked briefly about today’s appointment with her as I didn’t want to be stepping on people’s toes. Everything is a gray area all of a sudden. I feel like I am seeing psych sub specialists for things that I used to see one person for. Yesterday’s events exhausted me and what the cold didn’t do was make me exhausted enough to sleep. My nose kept running and I felt like I had a leaky faucet for a nose most of the night. Same tonight. Then my bladder kept me up with its constant shit of having to be emptied. I also been having loose stool so I been trying to void on my own rather than use the catheter. It’s the only way for me to go.

Today’s appointment talked about boundaries and for the first time I felt like I wasn’t asking too much by wanting privacy in the bathroom. It has been giving me such anxiety so we creatively came up with ways to say I am in here so my mother doesn’t barge her way in. One is fixing the lock on the door. It has been broken for so long I honestly don’t know if it can be fixed. It will require YouTube and google or I might have to get another mechanism or part to have a working lock on the door. Most people would know someone is in the bathroom and respect their privacy however those rules don’t belong with my mother, least when they concern me. Going to try these things first before actually having to talk to my mother which isn’t going to fly with her.

Yesterday I had sent my psych an article about trans youth and suicide. She recognized the name as one of the residents where she used to work. She then asked me if I thought about coming out sooner would have changed the course of things. It got me thinking and I am still thinking about things because I realized last night, despite twenty-five years passing, I am still suicidal and I am pretty much in the same boat as I was emotionally as I was then that I am now. What is going to keep me here is what is going to make the difference. I sent my therapist a text last night of the question and she responded this morning that it was a good question. Last night I started jotting things down of what has happened and if I do have something this time around that I didn’t have back then. I am not sure I will still be around. My mind has been going and planning this for a while and maybe this time I will succeed. But I think I need to know if my therapist cares if I am to continue to be here. I think that is why I am getting angry with her is because the voices have been saying a lot of stuff about her and I just been listening to them. My messages aren’t being answered when I send them. She doesn’t respond to my texts usually. If I am supposed to work with her, I need to know she gives a shit, that I am just not someone to just fill a spot because she has an opening.

If I sleep tonight, it will be a miracle. Ankle was already hurting before I left the house. My legs are killing me from the walking around the Government Center area I was in today. It would have not been a big deal if I was “normal.” Being disabled really sucked. But I am glad I saw the psychologist today. I feel better knowing I was validated.