Tag: PT

more dry needling

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

More dry needling

This is my new stuffy, Jim. He is so soft. A dear friend gave him to me today. It made my day as my day hasn’t been so great as you read along…

I had PT today and more dry needling. The left side hurt like a mofo and still does. It is so sore but the right is tingling. I had to contact the PT to find out if this was normal or not. She said it was as long as it isn’t going down my arm. It isn’t. I am to alternate with ice and heat so am doing that now. It is already starting to feel better so I am glad I called her. She said it is because it is undertreated. I think I only had one area done instead of two and that is why the muscle is angry right now.

I had a good session with therapy. We talked about trauma and how things are with my sister. She gets me triggered which then can make my pain worse because CRPS is a brain condition. So I told her there was a book on managing chronic pain through CBT but I don’t understand some of what the book is trying to teach. She is getting the book so we can go over it. Shit got real. I had to agree to work on this in between sessions and now I am wondering what the fuck did I get into. She said skills is what I need and this is all skill shit.

For the thing I work on I told her I would go through the book and see what I could do. I am overwhelmed with pain right now and am having flashbacks about shit that happened years ago. I am literally terrified that my sister is going to come barging into my room any moment just to scare the daylights out of me. I know rationally she isn’t going to but the fear is there. I am so anxious and it is just worsening my neck pain.

I am supposed to drink a lot of water after the dry needling but I have a love/hate relationship with water. So I just drank a whole 32 oz bottle of Gatorade. I just took my night meds so I hope the Ativan helps some of the tension I am feeling with the PTSD stuff. I am so tired but still kind of fearful. I have been texting my friend about what is going on and it has helped as well as writing it out. I did text my therapist but I don’t think I will hear back from her. It’s too late. Maybe tomorrow.

dry needling session two

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dry needling session two

I had PT today and had some more dry needling. She just did my deltoid area. My arm is sore and I need to put some heat on it. I will later. I did some work on a machine to warm up my shoulder before the needling. She also worked on my neck which is wicked tight. It felt so much better afterwards. I wanted to ask her if I could take her home but felt that was inappropriate.

I have been having a tough day. I didn’t want to leave the house but I did anyway for PT and now I am in a flare. I feel really depressed and exhausted about this. I know part of the reason is that I am just so damn tired of being in pain all the time. I am also exasperated about being in pain. I just can’t stand it anymore and even though I am trying really hard not to think of ending things, I can’t help it.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow for a check in. She wants me to be honest with her. This really annoys me because I am honest with her. I don’t bullshit. I am going to tell her how bad I am feeling and that I want to act on my thoughts. Not sure how she will respond to this. But I need to let her know what is on my mind.

This weekend marks the 28th anniversary of knowing my psych. She still is the best at what she does. I can talk to her anytime. She is always there for me even though we aren’t working together anymore. I miss her so much.

I am so fricken exhausted. I slept for a little bit and then woke up around midnight so I thought of finishing this blog. I am still hurting with my ankle. I just took some more breakthrough meds. I’ll probably be up half the night now. I’m kind of hungry so maybe I will have something to eat and that will settle me down for a sleep. I just bought some honey nut Chex and really like it even though it is kind of too sweet. I really like the corn one. That one is my favorite of them all.

My hamstring seems to bother me when my ankle is acting up. I never noticed before because the ankle pain was so overwhelming but now I am noticing it more. I have tried stretching the hammy but does no good. I honestly don’t find stretching to be helpful for anything. There was a baseball player that refused to stretch as he said that a tiger doesn’t stretch before they pounce on their prey, or something like that. I took it to heart.

Feeling really sad about therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders

I have had to miss therapy all week because of pain. Yesterday I didn’t go because I thought I would have PT but slept through the appt. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I am doing in therapy, like is it useful or am I wasting time. I know my therapist cares, or at least portrays that he does. He doesn’t give any “homework” or any structure. We just talk and he might respond like the last 5 minutes to the things I’ve said. Sometimes it is really hard to talk the whole 45 minutes. I have a hard time thinking what to say. But I get through it.

What is making me sad is that I’ll be starting PT again and that always stresses me out. Maneuvering appts and spending 45 minutes on the bus to and from. Then remembering to do the exercises the way I was told. The having flares because I went to an appt. I hurt worse with therapy. Sometimes I hurt for days. Throw in fucking weather dysfunction like going from 63 degrees to 30 the next day kills me.

I think I am going to have to stop therapy while I have PT. I really need to work on my right leg or I am not going to be able to walk. Just getting around my house some days I need a walker because both feet are terrible. My right heel is causing me to walk funny and causing ankle pain. Sometimes I can alleviate it but lately it has become so bad after therapy that I just can’t recover. It is too painful to calm down in a day or two. So with this in mind, I got to let my therapist know. Trouble is, I don’t know how. Stress isn’t good with my CRPS. It makes my pain worse for that foot/ankle. And causing me to put more weight on it because I can’t bear weight on my “good” right foot, well it is a mess.

Mentally I know I am not that great. But I’ve always been suicidal and this guy has taken no interest in trying to decrease my thoughts except through talking about it. Yes that is useful but doesn’t help when I am now planning my death because I can’t stand the cycle of pain anymore. He doesn’t have any structure to deal with it and has even said I am free to do it once I leave his office, as long as I am not going to do it right when I leave. As an autodidact suicidologist, this terrifies me of this approach. But basically he is saying he can’t save me. And I don’t want him to. I don’t want anyone to stop me. Hence I plan. But I am getting off track.

I don’t know how to say to him can we temporarily stop until i am a little better than what i am now. I am terrified he will say no and end our time. Which then means i am screwed with having to find someone once i am better. I am really scared he might say this. But if i just keep canceling week after week, he might think i don’t want to see him anymore.

I have no idea if i am making sense. It sucks that my pain is interfering with this but fuck, I am disabled for a reason. If I was well, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Comments are very much welcome to this post. Thanks for reading.

24 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

24 Aug 18

I have had a not so great day. My alarm went off a couple of time, I am not sure. I finally shut it off but had no intention to get up. Then my med alarm went off and shit, had to get up because I had to catch the 930 bus. No time for breakfast, coffee, or shower now. I quickly got dressed after trying to balance myself as my legs were jelly. I have no idea how I didn’t fall. I was scared of the stairs but I did okay. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my headphones and my bag. I went downstairs to put on my braces and then left. I was in such a grumpy mood. I left earlier than I should have but that meant I caught the earlier bus, which also meant I had time to grab a cup of coffee. I didn’t care it was going on my debit card, even though I looked at my bank balance and somehow had to finagle the bagel again because I somehow overspent, again.

I rode the bus with my headphones on and got a couple donuts with my coffee. I wanted to try a new coffee at DD but I didn’t remember the name of it so I had a dark roast. It was the strongest they had. It worked. I wasn’t so grumpy. After I ate the donuts, I left for PT. My PT was a little late but I didn’t care. I didn’t even want to be there. She called me in and told me a PT assistant would be doing a test. I said okay. I was to walk around the place with the assistant holding a measuring thing. I could rest as much as I wanted to. I must have taken like 2 laps around before my CRPS ankle acted up and I had to rest. I had to walk another three minutes. I didn’t like this test. It was flaring my ankle and I didn’t like that one bit. The last 10 seconds I had to stop. I walked over 800 feet in the five minutes and it freaked me out. I asked what this was for and she said it was for my insurance. I am getting sick of my insurance. But whatever. I told her the difficulty of me trying to do that for 8 hours and she agreed it would be impossible for me to work if I had to walk that much because just getting there would tire me out and cause pain. I felt a little reassured but was still nervous as my benefits could be in trouble.

Then we did stuff with my sprained ankle. One exercise kind of cramped the muscle in my foot but she said that was normal because my foot is weak. She and my neuro had a discussion and both want my right leg to become as strong as possible as I need it for support as my left leg is hurt and can’t do much. I agreed as well, but it is going to take some work and I am just overwhelmed. I was almost crying on the way home because the pain in my bad ankle was so bad. I had taken a BT med before I left PT. The burning was so fricken intense. I felt like someone was trying to filet my foot from the ankle to my pinkie toe. The suicidal ankle pain was there. I was just in so much fricken pain.

I got home and I had to rest. I also needed food as I haven’t eaten since the two donuts. I wanted egg with toast but didn’t know how I wanted the egg. My foot pretty much exploded soon as I rested. This was not fucking good. It was only like 1 pm. I stayed an hour on my bed and realized I wasn’t going to make the cake I wanted to bake. Then I looked at my foot and the swelling was unreal. I had to put on the compression sock. I knew that most of the pain was because it was swollen. But with CRPS, you can’t ice it. It makes it worse. I found the sock hiding under my blanket. I was hoping that my foot wasn’t going to be sensitive and I could wear the sock for a couple of hours at least rather than a few minutes. It has been several hours now and the sock is still on. I will probably take it off before I sleep.

I made dinner for my mother and I though I didn’t want to. Then I took the stinky trash out, got the mail and some ice for my mother, then went up the damn fucking stairs. I was done. I am not doing dishes tonight. No fucking way. I am sitting with my AC and fan on listening to music until the game is on, though I am feeling kind of sleepy so might take my meds and then go to bed early. I always think this then I lie down and can’t sleep. Last night was hard as my foot was so sensitive the sheets were bothering it. I took some Neurontin to calm it down but I didn’t get to sleep until 2. Chronic pain just sucks. I finagled the financial bagel and have some money left over for the month. I bought my nephew chihuahua some Star Wars PJs. I have been seeing doggies with PJs on and OMG so fricken cute!! It made me feel better that my friend sent me his picture last night. I wish I could have a pet but my mother won’t allow it. I want a cat or kitten so bad. I am afraid that I wouldn’t be able to pay for the Vet though. It’s hard just paying for my therapist, which I am behind on his bill a little bit. My credit has been used up. I had a credit because I overpaid him a lot the end of last year. Have no idea how that happened. Probably kept paying him the monthly charges not taking into account the days that I didn’t see him. Oh well. I have been good about keeping my appts but when the cold weather comes, that might be a different story.