Tag: psychotherapist

depression creeping in slowly

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depression creeping in slowly

I didn’t want to blog today. I slept most of the day until my stupid mother called me to see where I was. I am 42, not 12. Then I got the why are you sleeping? The answer is the same. Pain kept me up. I couldn’t settle down after the Sox win last night. Then pain hit me and well. Three o’clock came by and I was still up so I tried sleeping and I finally fell asleep until reflux woke me up at 5 am. Oh joy. Burning in my esophagus. I drank some of my Powerade as I couldn’t stand as my thigh was killing me. I think I need to move the Mylanta to my bedside so I don’t have to get up when I have a tummy ache.

I woke up just before my med alarm went off. My friend that I was supposed to meet up with called me. Said if I was in pain, we can reschedule our meeting. I said okay. That meant I could stay in bed, not having to rush to meet up as I was still hurting and wasn’t sure I could make it to the bus stop in time. I was grateful she understood. My support group, OMG. I don’t understand some of the people there. Two people said that cannabis helped them, either vape or oil. I don’t remember. But it wasn’t like I was looking for help sleeping. I was just annoyed my mother woke me the fuck up. Thanks but no thanks. I didn’t respond to their posts because I would have gone off and that wouldn’t have been good.

Then I read a blog Anne Wheaton wrote and my mood just tanked. It was tanking anyway. I’ve been battling a migraine headache since I got up. Sounds have been super loud and annoying. Lights have been really bright even though they are the same lights I have been using for months. I wanted to go back to sleep but I was too annoyed. At least the coffee I had was good. I wanted my pumpkin cake which is going to go to waste in a day or two but I had a pop tart so I didn’t eat it. I keep forgetting it is there. That is what happens when I make something and it has to be refrigerated. It is like it goes into the void and then it goes to waste. I then have to toss it. This is why I like giving it away so it doesn’t go to waste. I will try to have a huge slice tomorrow morning before I head to the Square. I want burgers. I also want to find the pre-cut onions so I can make the chili cornbread casserole. I am craving it for some reason. I want to make the keto pizza but I want the chili thing more. LOL I am so weird. I got to take the burger meat out of the freezer, shit. I will when I go downstairs next, if I remember.

I’ve been depressed the last hour or so. I just feel so worthless and hopeless. I am alone. I live with my mother. I haven’t done anything with my life. I am disabled but everyone thinks I am not because I can fucking walk. Big deal I wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic). I am still upright. Yesterday while waiting for the bus that was late, there was a lady in a wheelchair. I remember my days when I was in one. Not by choice but because I didn’t have use of my legs. I remember how fucking painful it was to relearn to walk. I still hurt from that, emotionally and physically. I still have nerve pain. I don’t know if the nerve pain is from cauda equina syndrome or CRPS. I just know I hurt. My doc increased the gabapentin to try and stop the dystonia (trembling of the muscles in my foot/ankle) I have been having. So I am even more tired during the day. I just feel like a huge lump in a log that doesn’t go any where. I don’t do anything that makes me happy because it causes me too much pain. I try and do sedentary things but I get too anxious and want to move around. But that causes me pain. Or I get to Starbucks and then have to go home because I am too anxious to stay there to write or read or whatever. I feel like such a loser.

I bought another new book. I bought like three of them in the past three weeks. The one I got today was by the guy that played Hamilton in the musical play, Lin-Manuel Miranda. It is very inspirational. It was of tweets that he collected and put into a book. I love it. It is short and moving. I love that I have it in book form rather than Kindle because he frequently says, “you have it in your hands.” The book has the new book smell. It was printed this year. I really like it and I hope I can finish it. I tried putting it down and it was hard. I kept saying one more page. And then I forced myself to put it down once I found a something to hold the page. I used to have a stack of bookmarkers. Now I have no clue what happened to them all. I just use ripped paper or something.

I am not feeling well. I just want to go to sleep. I took my meds early. I haven’t taken my gaba yet. I take that a couple of hours later as that can really make me sleepy within an hour. I take it will my pain med which I take around 9pm. But seeing as I am taking meds early, I will take it now at 8 pm. I don’t know why I feel so miserable. It is like the black clouds are back. I am trying not to think about how bad I feel but I know it will cover me soon and I won’t be able to break free for a while. Every episode is the same way. I just got to hold on to this thing called hope that it won’t last long. I hate that it is starting around the time that I am starting the pain program. Trying to find motivation to do the home exercises while I am like this is going to be a huge challenge. I don’t now if I can do it without them kicking me out.

Last night, I was trying to pay one of my bills and I thought I could change the date and I put it through. It went through without me changing the date. Fuck. I hope my bank kicks it out or I am going to be in the negative before I get paid. I was already charged a “service fee”, which I have no idea why. I am going to have to call them or go to the bank tomorrow to find out what that is about. It might be that I didn’t have enough debit card transactions for the month. I can’t help it. I only get paid monthly so whatever is paid, gets paid, which doesn’t leave me much to use my card. I’ve been using my credit cards to get things I need. Not a good thing but when you don’t have money in the bank, it comes in handy.

Just realized for not wanting to write a blog, I am on page 3 in word and up to 1281 words. Probably all gibberish. The point of all this is, if you have read this far, is well, I am not sure. I feel depressed. I am trying not to feel suicidal. I see my therapist Monday, the one that likes to pick his nails all session and not really give me anything useful to go by. I really don’t want to see him anymore but I am so drained at trying to find a therapist that takes my history and wants to actually help me. I am now picky in what I am looking for. After 27 years of therapy, I should hope I know what I am looking for, sort of. Is there someone for me, I don’t know. I am tired of let downs. And finding out that the therapy world lost a good therapist really hurts me. I still have no idea how he died. I know it was sudden. He was just three years older than me. I pegged him as a few more years older than that. I feel for his partner and family and his clients. I’ve been fortunate not to deal with a therapist’s sudden death. Just their leaving for various reasons. It makes me feel like I don’t have hope and that I am a hopeless case. Maybe that is what is bringing this depressive episode on. I don’t know but I will end here as I have bored you enough.

Useless appointment and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Useless appointment and other things

I had little sleep last night. In my painsomnia brain, I had decided to have an 0815 alarm. Why, I don’t remember. I just shut it off and went back to sleep. I am glad I didn’t touch my med alarm or I would have been screwed. I forced myself in the shower. It was cold this morning so I had to wait for the water to get hot. I had shaved around 4 am when I couldn’t sleep and decided to give myself the shot then rather than wait. One less thing to do in the morning.

I was getting sleepy waiting around so left my house around 0930 or so, an hour before I was to leave. I made it to the place with plenty of time to spare and I forced myself not to go into the bookstore next to the Starbucks. I wrote in my journal for a bit. I was anxious and it had nothing to do with the 6 shots of espresso I was drinking. I finally left around 1230 to find the building and office. It was at the end of a long hallway. I sat in the waiting room and 15 minutes before the appointment, the guy introduces himself and said he would be back. I said okay. He came back and opened an office and called me in. We talked about my different issues and he basically said there was nothing he could do for me as he wasn’t the type of therapist to give coping skills. He just did “talk therapy” and that was it, same as the one I was seeing. Fucking A. He said that I had “somatic pain” and he didn’t deal with that. WTF. I wanted to scream at him but there was no point. I said thank you for your time and left. I was bullshit. He could have told me last week that he didn’t deal with my issues. Why did he have to see me in person to tell me this??? Why do therapist do this?? I am so fucking angry. Now I got to go back to the nail picking therapist I am seeing. Fucking fuck. Total waste of time when I could have been sleeping!!!

I came home and I was not in a good mood. I just wanted to be in my PJs, under my blankets, and fiddle with social media. My Transition photo op didn’t get that many likes. I didn’t have much to say as it was like 5 AM and my brain was dead. It was a miracle I could string two words together, much less a few sentences. I realized I didn’t take a selfie for day 7. I got to be better about it. But there really hasn’t been any changes so no big deal.

I emailed my psychiatrist about being in a therapist jinx. Either that or I am on some black list. I had sent her and my neuro an email at I have no idea what time in the morning as I experience dystonia yet again last night. It wasn’t as bad as the first time and thankfully, my compression sock came to the rescue. It calmed it down enough so I could sleep for a few hours before my alarms went off.

Sox game is tonight. My left thigh is sore from the shot. I thought I did a lot of walking to ward it off but maybe not enough. My mother wanted me to go to the Square to get the money owed to me from the cheese I bought. I wasn’t going to the square. I won’t be going tomorrow either. I will be going Friday so I hope the sale price doesn’t change by then. It shouldn’t matter but you never know how picky managers are. I still have the receipt in my wallet. Hope I remember to go to the butcher shop before meeting up with my friends.

I don’t know if I will make it through 9 innings of baseball on like 4 hours sleep. I tried to take a nap but then I got really cold, like almost to the point of chills. I put on my long sleeved shirt. I will be putting on my Sox jersey an hour before game time. Game is on late, 2030, tonight because the MLB sucks. They have the west coast national game at like 2 pm. Who is going to watch the game at that time?? Idiots. I just don’t understand what their thinking is when they schedule games. I also don’t understand why they all can’t be prime time. Oh wait, that would make sense. Duh! I will listen to what I can and then whatever I don’t, I will catch up tomorrow. I am not going to force myself to stay up because then I get over tired and that does me no good at all. Then I sleep whenever, which usually repeats the cycle of no sleep. Sucks. I learned my lesson. Sleep when I am tired. I should try and sleep now but it is too early and then I will be up all night. Catch 22 I know. I am not really that tired. Just mentally exhausted from this asshole I saw. I am glad he didn’t work out because after three sessions I am sure I would be telling him fuck you and walk out. It shouldn’t be this hard to find someone to talk to. It really shouldn’t. Maybe I am too smart but there has got to be someone on the same level as I am out there. I don’t care if who I see is a he or she. There has to be someone, somewhere. I think I am going to ask the bozo therapist at the pain clinic for a referral. Maybe she knows someone. Long shot but at this point I’ll try anything. I might look up DBT therapists in my area. That is how desperate I am becoming and I hate DBT!

Once again having to figure things out on my own

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Last night I wrote a blog about my frustrations in therapy. I basically have until Sunday around noon time to either cancel my appointment with my therapist or not. It still is in the air. I know that I should talk to him but I feel like I have been down this road so many times that it just doesn’t go anywhere. Yea, I could be wrong. He could be kind and open about what I am saying and see where it goes from there but past experience tells me that will be for that session and the next session will be as if we didn’t talk at all about how I feel. I am tired of always going into that situation. So today, even though I didn’t want to, I made a few calls to some therapists asking them if they were taking new clients. So far, I haven’t had a callback.

I went to PT and she didn’t like the pocket of swelling that was around my foot. I need to be putting ice on it and doing the stretches/exercises she has given me. I also sort of need to pump my ankle before standing up or stretch it but that is going to be kind of difficult with getting off my bed because it is so high. I will figure it out. We didn’t work on my left thigh. She had given me some exercises for that but my damn CRPS ankle/foot has been so bad because of the damn weather changes, it has been hard to do. It was easier with my right because I didn’t have the pain. I did one exercise last night and felt better but I think the other ones need to be done. I am going to try doing them tomorrow before I get out of bed as you need to be kind of laying down anyway for it. My pain is not bad (usually) in the morning. I need to get my thigh pain sorted because next week I need to potentially give my T shot in it. If it is not up to par I will use my right again but I want to try my left and see how it goes.

Pain has been okay, so far, except for my right foot but hopefully that will get better as time goes on, if I do what I am supposed to do. But I just feel like everything is a hassle lately. I haven to figure out which thigh would be suitable because there isn’t a nurse I can go to that can inject it for me. I have to somehow keep myself from a downward spiral because baseball season is ending. I always get into a deep depression this time a year and it takes months to recover from it. And finding a new therapist that isn’t going to be an asshole when I bring up suicidal stuff is going to be tough. My PT said she was going to get in touch with her therapist for recommendations. I have no idea if they will pan out. It is like I have to do the work, again, for my care after just working out the pain meds. Makes me want to give up and just say fuck it but I don’t want to spend five years with this guy if he isn’t going to help me. Tomorrow I see my PCP so that is going to be fun. Another early morning appointment so I will be lucky if I have enough brain cells to talk to him. If I have to give yet another damn urine for a tox screen there is going to be a problem because I’ve given three of them this year when I thought it was supposed to be a yearly thing. And if that has changed, um, why didn’t they let me know?? Not saying I take other shit that I am not supposed to but come on. I just feel like they are a waste of my insurance’s money, especially when those with substance abuse disorders don’t get tested at ALL! But that is another write up for another day.

World Mental Health Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.

Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?