Tag: psychotherapist

long day of doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day of doing nothing

My day kind of started around 0130 when loud thunderstorms woke me up. It took me a while to get back to sleep. Around 0330, I checked to see if my check had been deposited and it wasn’t. I checked again an hour later, nothing. I went back to sleep. My med alarm went off and I checked the pollen count to see if I needed an extra allegra. The count was low/medium so I didn’t take it. I just took my pain and BP meds. I had to pee really bad. My mother was in the fricken bathroom. Fuck. I didn’t have time to go down another flight to my sister’s apartment. I waited as long as I could then went the bathroom. I wanted to brush my teeth but my mother was washing up. Also trying to make conversation with me when I didn’t feel like talking. I figure I would brush later.

Went back to my room and checked my bank. The money was deposited. YAY. I ordered my groceries after removing some items as it somehow went up to $175. Yikes! I went on some kind of spree. It was like a ton of soda. No idea why I wanted practically every kind of coke zero Peapod had. Once the cart was down to a reasonable amount, I placed the order. I picked a Wednesday time. One thing knocked off my list. Then I put some cash on my Starbucks account. I then went back to sleep, even though I was hungry. I figure I would sleep for an hour and then order food. I slept for two hours and woke from a weird dream.

I ordered lunch. Then I listened to the radio as I read Harry Potter. I was listening via my phone. A message come through and wiped out the app. I just continued reading. Pain has been up and down all day. It kind of got worse around 1800. It would be three hours before my next dose of ER meds. I took the IR kind so that I wouldn’t be in much pain. I just got up to take my night meds and my ankle went berserk. All day my legs have been really sore. My calves do not want to be stretch out to walk. I really don’t know what to do about it. I did some PT exercises but my hip didn’t like it. It has been sore all weekend. I am not letting the PT touch it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. I see PT in the morning and then have therapy in the afternoon, a two hour window, maybe two and a half. I have no idea when the next bus to the station will come after PT. Therapy is no where near PT. I have to do some traveling. I just hope that I have time to get to a Starbucks for java. I might get a mocha as a treat. I made sure I took my meds on time. Sox are off tonight so I won’t be tempted to be up late. I wanted to order Chinese food but I really don’t feel like waiting for it as it is getting late. I am still full from the sandwich I had around 1330. It was huge and I had yummy onion rings. If I am not too sore Wed, I will make my barber his chili cornbread that he likes. I bought some of the ingredients for it. I also got stuff for lemon pie. I am dying for something lemony. It is really simple. Graham cracker crust, lemon pudding, and topped with cool whip. YUM.

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

I woke up around 0330 in pain. Took me a while to get back to sleep. I think it was around 5 when I did. I woke up next because of my med alarm. I took them and then my bladder had to go. I went downstairs and it was already muggy. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like showering. I know I need one but I am just being lazy at this point. I went back up to my room and fell back to sleep. I set my alarm for noon so I wouldn’t sleep late. That was for waste as my dumbass cousin kept calling me. He must have called like four times. I let it go to voicemail. I stayed in bed until it was 1230 and then got dressed.

I went downstairs and put my shoes on when I realized I forgot my insulated cup. Oh well. I didn’t feel like going back upstairs for it. I grabbed by bag and then went out. My cousin was pulling up and my mother was getting out of the car. I started yelling at him for calling so many times. He said my mother had bags and I needed to help my mother out. What was wrong with him?? He has no problems with his legs. He is just a lazy fuck that refuses to go up one friggen flight of stairs. I walked away after he said that I should help my mother and he asked where I was going. Fuck you. I put Taylor Swift on my headphones and went to the bus stop. Bus came because I got the bus driver that likes gas. She drives fast and you better sit or brace yourself once you get on the bus or you’ll go flying.

I ordered my Starbucks. I wanted a cheese Danish but the store was out of them. I had a coffee cake instead. After I ate, I wrote in my journal for a bit, but was not too focused. My thoughts were all over the place, making it hard to write them down. I used the restroom and then left for my therapy appt.

I got there and he was running late. I had so much to talk about. I told him about my cousin and what he said. Then started talking about how my father has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s been more than two years since his death yet I can practically remember every detail of the day he died and it plays at least unexpected times. I told him how I felt about not being able to do enough for him, but knew also, there was not much I could do to save a dying man. Even if I altered the DNR to get him fluids or other care, it wouldn’t benefit him. It might actually cause him more pain. We talked about how I felt about him and the abuse he did to me on so many levels. I nearly broke down at least three times but didn’t. I somehow kept the tears back. I don’t know how to process this. It sucks big time. He let me talk. He didn’t say too much. Told him how my uncle died, my father’s brother. I didn’t find out the truth about how he died until a few years ago, before my father died. I forgot who told me. It made sense to me though I didn’t say anything more about it to anyone. I was five when he died and really don’t remember him that well.

My therapist had to change our time for next week. So I have a double header next week. PT in the morning, therapy in the afternoon. Fun! I should be a fucking wreck physically. My mother called after therapy. I had just missed her call by a few minutes as my phone ringer was off. I called her back and she asked when I was going home. I told her I was on my way but it could be an hour or so depending on the bus. She said when I got home to tell my niece to come upstairs. I said okay.

The bus was late and I think something was wrong with the back doors as the driver had to get out of the bus to fix it or do something to it. I was hoping things went okay as we were a few stops away from where I was to get off. It would be a LONG walk if the bus was broken down. But whatever he did fixed the problem and I got off at my stop. I went to Walgreens to get some protein bars but the price went up. It was 2 for $3. Now it was 2 for $4. I didn’t have the other dollar and I wasn’t going to pay $2.49 for one. My friend told me I can sometimes get coupons for these things so I will check out the website she recommended.

I had dinner and then went up to my room to change. I was so tired. I was hungry again but thirsty too so I drank some powerade. I wanted to make some fried eggs and toast. That has been my kick the past few weeks. I took a shower instead. BAD MOVE. My back protested violently. I am still hurting. I had to shave my underarms so the extra standing just annoyed my back. My trimmer ran out of juice and had to be charged so it was the old fashioned way of razor and shaving cream. It took longer but was worth it. I then washed off in the shower until my back had enough. I think it was the fastest shower I ever took. Getting into my PJs was hard. My feet did not want to go through the pant legs. I was getting so annoyed. My back was ready to kill me. My legs are also hurting. My left thigh is beyond sore. I have one appointment tomorrow in the afternoon to see my PCP and then 4 days off of doing NOTHING. Least I hope so. My legs are going to need to rest.

hot and annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hot and annoyed

Temps were close to 90 today. I was annoyed most of the day. I called my mother to ask her if she needed anything while I was out. She said just look at the price of the eggs. Okay. I go downstairs and she wants me to go to the bank. If she said so when I called her, I would be able to go. Now it was too close to the bus schedule and it isn’t going to happen. I asked when the bank closes and she said 4. Sorry no can do. I won’t be home till after 4.

I went to Starbucks and had a sandwich and espresso. I had five shots as I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. Not really physical pain, but nerve pain, which is a different beast. I wrote while at Starbucks. Then I left for therapy. The train car I was on did not have air on. It was stuffy for the few stops I went. I reported it when I got off the train. I got to my therapy appt a half hour early. I just played with my phone until my therapist called me in.

I told him I would like to try twice a week. He said we can do it this week but then the next time won’t be until middle of July. He is going away after the fourth and won’t return until the third week, I think. I am okay with that. Hopefully but then my meds will be adjusted and PT will helped somewhat so I can make twice a week. We then talked about random stuff.

I left and walked to the station. Temp was higher but the humidity wasn’t bad as I thought it was. The train was delayed and I missed my connecting bus home. I had to go to another bus stop. I was careful on the walk home, avoiding that stupid ramp in the sidewalk that caused my ankle to flare Friday. By the time I walked in the door, I was sweating. The house was hotter than outside. I was kind of grumpy as I was hungry. My mother said what she was making and I told her I wasn’t hungry. She asked what did I say so I yelled I wasn’t hungry. Then she yelled back saying she wasn’t making it now (even though it was after 4PM, her dinner time). I got so annoyed. I just went upstairs and turned on the AC to cool down. My T-shirt was soaked. I used a towel to dry off. I didn’t feel like a shower as my ankle was acting up slightly.

I got a package and it was from China. I thought it was the ice genie I bought. It wasn’t. It was the Pride bracelet. I thought it was cool. I tried opening the clasp and it wouldn’t open. My mother tried and we used different things but it wouldn’t budge. I have no idea how to open it. I took some pics and sent it to a crafty friend. I also emailed the place I bought it from to see what the trick was. Hope my $25 didn’t go to waste or I want a refund.

I checked what the new schedule would be for the bus I take to PT. I will either be 45 minutes early or 10 minutes or more late. Great. I am looking into Uber. I don’t know how I am going to swing it as I don’t have extra cash during this month because of my bill pay mistake. I owe my mother money that she let me borrow to fix my account. I am still pissed. I never called them to argue because I hate conflict.

I took my night meds without problems. Weird because the past few nights I have had trouble swallowing them. I switched Powerades so maybe that was why. Fricken thunderstorm has taken my back out. Lovely. I can’t take my pain meds for another hour. I hate this shit. I really do. Hope I don’t have pain like I did last night. Sox are off so I hope to be asleep before midnight. Not sure what I will be doing after I finish this blog. Maybe read the new book I started yesterday. Or maybe try and read some Neverwhere. Neil Gaiman has another book out called how to talk to girl at parties. I thought it was a play or something and it is a book. I never know with him. I might get it, if it isn’t a graphic novel.

day 5 and a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Day 5 and a flare (warning, long post)

Last night, I had to go to the bathroom kind of late, around 2300 or so. I was also hungry so went downstairs. I must have went down four steps and my ankle went out on me. It became really painful. I stopped and hung on the bannister to prevent falling. Pain subsided a little and I went down a few more steps only for it to happen again. Shit. I held on again to the bannister and waited for my ankle to calm down a bit. I knew the downward motion of my ankle was causing it to get annoyed. I finally went down the rest of the stairs and did my business.

When I came back up to my room, my ankle felt okay. The game was late as it was on the west coast and I couldn’t stay up as I needed to be up at 6. Around midnight, I turned in, or tried to. My body pillow was a mess and was not making me comfortable. I must have flung it off the bed as when I came up to my room today, the whole side of it was on the floor. It collected all the dust that surrounded it. Great. I used a lint roller to get it off. I just decided to use a regular pillow and somehow fell asleep. I woke up about three hours later in pain. It was too early to take the 12 hr pill so I took the immediate release. Two hours later I was still in pain so took the longer acting med. I was early but oh well. I then slept for about an hour until my alarm went off.

I took my morning meds and then went downstairs to brush my teeth and wash my face. I was deciding on what to wear. I thought I could wear shorts but it was too cold and it was kind of rainy. I decided sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt were in order. Except, I couldn’t find the one I wanted to wear. I scrounged my bed and it was nowhere. Oh well, just go with the one I usually sleep in. I left to catch the bus. As I got to the corner, the bus I was to take rolled by. Luckily, another one soon followed so I didn’t have to wait long.

I brought my Dostoevsky book with me. I had 45 minutes before PT. I got coffee at the lower end coffee shop and a coffee roll. When I finished the roll, I got to reading until it was time to leave for PT. PT was not so great. She gave me a few new exercises but I think I am going to have trouble doing it on my left side due to moving my damn ankle/foot. I might have to wear the AFO (ankle foot orthotic) to keep it stable. We just did the right side and she explained what muscles were moving. Then she massaged my hip. She said my muscles were hard as a rock. I said like a tennis ball and she said yes. Some parts of where she was touching was bothersome to my thigh muscle. I had to remind her that my L2/L3 surgery fucked it up. We talked about the PTSD and stuff that surrounded my pain issues and she offered some concrete grounding techniques which I will try as the ones I were using were not working. I chiefly use distraction and music. She had me laying on my back under some kind of box thing. As we were ending, she moved my knee to my chest and my back cramped up badly. It hurt so much. I was able to walk out of there but I was hurting. I came home because my next appointment wasn’t until 1500. I made a fried egg that I kind of overcooked the yolk. Then I went upstairs and was hoping to catch a nap. Well my ankle said no to that soon as I laid down. I left an hour early than I wanted to. I went to Starbucks for espresso and a Danish.

I read my book as I brought that with me. I was going to get some serious reading done. But my god, did Dostoevsky talk and talk and talk. It was about 4 chapters of the prosecutor giving his closing argument. When he was finished, so was I. I have about 8 chapters left in the book and I should be able to finish the book this weekend. Progress. I promised one of my suicidologists that I would read her book so I will. It should be somewhat easy reading once I remember where I put it. HA. Don’t know if it is buried on my bed or I put it somewhere else.

I went to my psychiatrist appt. I gave her the run down of being hypomanic without euphoria and the cycle I seem to be in. She didn’t read anything I sent her but she said she would read it as she always does. I felt kind of deflated because I really wanted to talk about the article I sent her. I couldn’t bring it up if she didn’t read it. I actually was not really present. I just glossed over things and she accepted it. I told her my therapist wanted to meet with me twice a week but I am not sure if I can do it physically, especially with physical therapy sessions going on as well. I had told him I would think about it and get back to him. She thought it was good to be seen twice a week. Then we made an appt for two weeks and I left.

My ankle was kind of giving me grief but it wasn’t bad until I got within two blocks of home. Before the Walgreens by my house, there is this dead end street that leads to some houses. The sidewalk has a little handicapped ramp that, to me, is very inclined. I walked down it and it brought me almost to my knees. Pain was so fricken bad. I had to stand in place until it settle down. It was the same as last night when I was going down the stairs but 10 times worse. I didn’t know what to do. My sister was away (or so I thought) and there wasn’t anyone else I could call for a ride. I took my blessed time limping home. The block that lead to the final block to my street was hilly and downward. OMG did it hurt to walk downhill. I had to stop a few times to catch myself. I finally made it home and my sister’s apartment door was wide open as well as my door. I called for my niece but there was no answer. I stuck my head in my sister’s apartment and called for her again. My sister was home making dinner. My other sister was there as well eating some kind of cheese plate. I had some cheese and pepperoni and chatted with my sisters. I then went upstairs. I took my things up the stairs carefully. I took a seat in the kitchen and my ankle just went berserk. I had no idea how I was going to walk down the hallway to my room. I was in a serious flare. I have been on the new med for five fucking days. I have no idea if CRPS doesn’t care if you take meds or not. I posted the question in my support group. I am still waiting for an answer or support. I had to take the med when I finally got to my room. It was two hours early but I didn’t care. After I made dinner with a boot on, my ankle still flared again. I took the breakthrough med. It is going to be a long night and I have been up for 15 hours so far. I cried in pain while I was in the kitchen. My mother was oblivious.

I don’t know what to do to make this pain go the fuck away. I thought the new meds would work and they did for a bit. Until I walked that handicap ramp, which I will never fucking do again. I wish I could say the same of the stupid stairs but I live in a two floor house so that isn’t possible. Even wearing the boot didn’t help. More than a few weeks till my date. I wasn’t going to go through with it. But I change my mind. I could still change it, again. I haven’t told anyone about this because people keep saying they need me and that makes me feel guilty. Someone also reminded me of the ripple effect and I told her to stop talking to me. I don’t want to hear it. I just want to be left alone in my misery that no one understands. I am so done with explaining about how suicidal I am and not getting any understanding about it. Not that I want support for it. That would be ridiculous. But to know at least where I am coming from rather than have supposed opinions. I just have become callous to anyone that thinks they know me.

I did ask my psychiatrist if she thought I was “treatable”. She said yes. But that is all she said without any elaboration. I am in too much pain, both mentally and physically, to tell her what I am thinking. I am also afraid of telling her what I am thinking for fear of another hospitalization. I won’t go this time, not unless I make an attempt. That is the only way I will go back. I just hope to be successful. Things will be really bad if I don’t succeed. I am scared though. I’ve never tried this method before. And if I don’t get it right on the first try, I am kind of screwed. I am just messed up.