Tag: psychotherapy

trauma and recovery and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trauma and recovery

From Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman

I have been reading the book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman and it has been helpful to see where my trauma has hindered so much of my life. Last night I was reading a chapter about how the client should feel empowered through therapy and only then can they heal. I feel that I am being hindered in my therapy with my therapist because she has her own ideas of what is helpful that doesn’t include my input. I am finding it very difficult to stay connected to her because I am being stifled so to speak. I often don’t feel validated in therapy. I feel like she only gives it as a last resort to things that I say. I am going to ask her tomorrow why she has trouble validating what I am going through. I often feel that she is listening to me and then her saying “ok” doesn’t validate my experience. Just means that she heard what I said. I really don’t want to have to go find another therapist but she is pushing me too much. The last session I had with her she said the depression is making me not want to bother and I need to bother, in regards to calling a chronic pain support group. It made me feel bad because she doesn’t get how severely limiting my depression can be in reaching out for new support. I can’t just put the “bother” aside and do things. That isn’t how things work.

I know I gripe about therapy a lot on my blog but it is how I process what goes on and how I am feeling. Things that happen in therapy stay with me and I go over it to try and deal with it. I have a lot of trauma to sort through and it is still affecting my ability to deal with stuff. My depression is severe and I often think about ending my life. I have been in therapy for nearly thirty years. I think the only thing it has done is keep me alive. I have been hospitalized more times than I can count. I have learned things but sometimes those things don’t come up when I am in a crisis or feeling really bad. This is why I don’t find DBT helpful because when you are in the heat of the moment you aren’t going to reach for a piece of paper or manual for help.

I get so frustrated in therapy because I feel like I am not heard. Right now the therapist is of the opinion that she is the expert and that I should listen to her. I honestly don’t like this. I feel like this is patriarchy. It burns me to no end when I think of what she said when I was at my most vulnerable. I don’t know how to bring this up. Even as I was trying to cancel session she was of the opinion it wasn’t a good idea. That maybe so but don’t I have a right to cancel when I feel like it? She said we should at least check in because of the level of my depression is so severe. So I agreed on that point. I will have a check in with her tomorrow. I don’t know if I will talk about her idea that her being my clinician is best for me. The paternalization needs to stop.

Monday check in

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Monday check in

I’ve got to shower today and I think after this blog is posted, I am going to do it. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. Luckily I was able to get back to sleep. I woke up at 7 and feel rested, which is quite a change. I usually wake up tired as fuck. Last night I was having trouble with my suicidal thoughts. I texted a crisis line and it helped a lot. The person was so understanding of what I was going through. I felt validated and supported. I said that I had no plan even though I do have one but I didn’t want to get into it. I wasn’t going to do anything. It was just a lot of thoughts inundating me. My physical pain was really bad. My neck and ankle hurt so much that I was losing it. The stress that I have been under caused my neck pain as after I “talked” things out, I felt better. I know a lot of tension is in my neck and shoulders. I really hope PT helps alleviate some of the pain. My arm is feeling better. It just hurts if I touch the area that was jabbed. My chest is a different story. It still hurts when I touch it and it is swollen so I am going to have to put ice on it.

I had one cup of coffee but today might be two cups. I am thinking of having the second cup when I see my therapist around noon time. I had some toast with unsalted butter and it was gross. Never do that again. I think I am going to buy Irish butter so I can have it with toast. It is so good. I forget the name of the brand but my sisters love it, too.

I am going to try and clear off my bed today. I have been slowly getting things off and putting them where they belong or otherwise just tossing it on the floor because I have no where else to put them. Just hope the caffeine doesn’t wear off. I’d like to get my bed cleared before therapy and then change my sheets after therapy. I also plan on putting on the new foam topper that I bought that I hope doesn’t slide off the bed. This will mean I can’t be on my bed for a few hours but that is ok. I can go downstairs and stay with my mother while it settles on my bed. I just hope I can put on my sheets ok. I haven’t decided which blanket I am going to put on. I think I am going to put the blanket my mother made for me years ago on. It is heavy and warm. I just hope it isn’t too warm.

Snow storm is coming this afternoon. Snow is supposed to start around noon and end around midnight tomorrow I think. They are calling it a Nor’easter. I just hope most of the snow is plowed and shoveled by Wed when I have to go out for my PT appointment. If not I will have to have it virtually. I don’t like the virtual appointments. It is hard to really see what the therapist is trying to make me do. I am going twice a week for the next month or so. I really hope this works and decreases my pain. I just hope we get to work on my neck next because it has been really bothering me more than my shoulder.

Ankle is starting to act up again. I have noticed that when it acts up, my hamstring in my leg hurts, too. The hamstring pain is really bothersome as I can’t stretch it out or take anything for it. Usually if I just keep my leg still it helps with the pain. Last night was my niece’s birthday party. I was able to go down for dinner but I couldn’t go down for the cake as my ankle acted up. Pain is similar to what I am experiencing right now. I still hope I can shower. My hair needs to be washed. It is so damn itchy. I would love to find a shampoo that moisturizes your hair. I haven’t been able to find one. If someone knows a good brand, please pass it along. You can use the contact page or just comment on my blog.

depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depressed

Yesterday I was really down and needed to talk. I felt I had to tell my youngest sister I was depressed so I texted her and we spoke for a few minutes before my therapy session. I feel all I did was worry my sister as she didn’t understand where I was coming from. I told her I just couldn’t get the stuff in my room done because it was too difficult for me with this shoulder pain that is bringing me down. I am in more pain lately because of it and it is really making me depressed. I just don’t see a way out other than suicide and no one wants that.

I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday. I asked her if I needed therapy and she didn’t know how to respond to it. I was in a really depressed state while talking to her. I was also in pain with my shoulder. I tried massaging out the pain but I wasn’t successful. I really hope tomorrow’s PT session helps. I talked about being in pain in therapy. I felt like I was falling on deaf ears. Just like when I was talking to my middle sister about it. I sent her some memes (sister). I don’t know how else to get things across to my family how bad things are with me. Then my therapist thinks I got to change and I was taken aback by this. She has been hinting all along that my perception of my family needs to change so that I don’t get so upset by them because they are not going to change.

I know I have talked about finding another therapist but I just can’t right now. My depression is too disabling. I will stick with this therapist because I am tired. I don’t have the energy to look for one. The one I am seeing isn’t bad. I know she wants the best for me and that is why she pushes me and challenges me so much. Maybe I should tell her to lay off so hard. I am seeing her tomorrow afternoon.

I seriously need to lower the Latuda. My muscles are spastic at times and that isn’t helping my shoulder pain. I changed my PT appointment to virtual today. I don’t know if this is going to be helpful or not but it snowed and I don’t want to risk falling because of snow drifts. My sister said it was messy out so I really don’t want to go out. Besides, the temp changes have caused my ankle to flare up so walking wouldn’t be good for me today anyways.

I went out yesterday to get my haircut. It had been two months since I seen my barber. It is always good to see him. We talked shit and it felt good. I love my haircut. I get it cut the same way all the time, bald fade and light on the top, though I am letting it grow. I took a shower and it exhausted me afterwards. My back cramped up because someone turned down the heat in the house so the house was cold. I didn’t want to leave the shower stall because it was nice and warm.

Coronavirus sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Coronavirus sucks!

I saw my cousin today. She gave me a rollator walker and I gave her some eye drops. It was so good seeing her but so hard not to give her a hug! We socially distanced and wore masks. We made sure to do so because we didn’t want to infect one another in case one of us got it. This virus sucks! I hate it. I miss my cousins so much.

I didn’t go to partial today. I needed to sleep because I was up all night again after I had to pee around 0130. It took me several hours to get back to sleep. I wasn’t in pain I just couldn’t sleep. My mind kept wandering. I felt like blogging but knew if I got on the laptop I would be up all night. Luckily I was asleep by 4. I had already emailed the coordinator of the program I wouldn’t be in today. I got an email from one of them about LGBTQ friendly therapists. I am thinking of changing therapists. I don’t think the therapist I am seeing is right for me anymore. She is good but too good for me. I don’t think I can stand her being such a pusher for DBT.

Yesterday was quite the circus when I had therapy. My sister said I couldn’t use her bedroom so I was in her kitchen which was little to no privacy. I couldn’t talk about what I wanted to talk about so we talked about the Sox for a bit. It was a little chaotic trying to talk to her as my sister was coordinating a move of furniture and she was ordering me to do stuff. It was not how I planned therapy. I almost cried I was so distraught.

I’ve been deeply depressed for most of the day today. I just have been in pain with my shoulders. My right shoulder is now having pain. I hope PT can do both of them but I am not sure. I am going to give dry needling a try. It is supposed to be uncomfortable but from what I read in the material the PT gave me is the best option for my condition. It might be faster than regular therapy. I just know it sucks being in pain every day with this.

I have a zoom call with my cousins tonight. Should be fun. I always enjoy talking with them. These are my cousins from my father’s side of the family. There are about 9 of us total so it is a good group. I love and miss them so much. I can’t wait till covid is done with so we can meet in person again. It really sucks not seeing family members. I am lucky that I live with my mother and I know others can’t see their parents right now. I feel for them. I really do. Right now my older friend has covid. He is asymptomatic as far as I have been told. But that means I can’t see him right now until after this pandemic is done with. It’s too dangerous to see friends, especially with this new variant going around that is supposed to be more contagious than the main virus. I want to get vaccinated but no place around me has yet to provide the vaccine. I am still waiting.