Tag: recurrent major depression

about goals and feeling agitated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

About goals and feeling agitated

So I got some things done. I got my recycles in the bin. I started another bag. I showered and shaved. I did a pretty good job though I missed a spot here and there. I touched up. I shaved the sides and back of my head. It feels good to feel the baldness. It takes some work and my ankle did not like me afterwards that is for sure.

I got into a fight with my sister. She is just being ridiculous and I think I am going to stipulate that I am not going to talk to her until she gets some help. She has more issues than I do. But her germ phobia has gotten out of control. I seriously want to get her toilet seat covers because she complains every single day about something about the toilet. I don’t understand the obsession when it is your own family members. We share the same germs so I don’t get it. Someone else I can see but family? Come on. Now I am fearful of using the bathroom not only because of cathing but now if I should forget to wipe the damn toilet down after I use it. Fuck. Who the hell does that in their own home?? Fucking ridiculous!! I don’t need this stress. It is almost getting to the point where I am thinking of going somewhere else. I can’t be under this much stress just for living at home. No one should have to walk on eggshells where they live for whatever reason. Just talking about it is giving me anxiety.

I got therapy tomorrow. I cancelled today’s appointment because I just didn’t feel like going into Boston late afternoon. I would if it was my therapist but it’s not so cancel! I am not sure I will reschedule the appointment either. It is supposed to be the last one so I might just forego it.

I fucking screwed up my checking account. I spent too much (on bills) forgetting there were two being paid today so now I will be over drawn. I am screwed. I have no idea what the hell I am going to do as the fees are going to kill me. At least I got my meds and paid the money I owe to the mail order company. My doc will be calling in a script today and it won’t go through unless there is no balance.

I haven’t napped though I tried because I got a migraine around 1500. I tried to sleep but I got agitated. I took some perphenazine to try and calm down before I was bombarded with voices. They came anyways and then I was yelling with them about my sister which just made things so much worse. I know I should be in the hospital but because of my medical issues I just can’t. I am too afraid my needs won’t be met or the orders will be wrong so I will be fucked. I’ve had it happen too many times now and I get annoyed and frustrated and then want to leave but can’t because my safety is an issue or the team doesn’t feel like I am ready to leave. Then I will have to deal with the after math that my family will think it is someone’s fault I am in the hospital. They don’t understand that I have serious mental illness. My mother just thinks I need to talk to her to be “fine”. Mind you she wouldn’t understand a thing I go through no matter how many times I tried to explain it. Fuck, she still thinks I am female and tonight I have been going through horrible dysphoria because of the things on my chest. Knowing I have to lose weight to get rid of them just makes me more depressed. You would think it would be a motivator but it doesn’t work that way with depression. If I didn’t have severe depression, I might be able to get motivated. Right now I am just planning on not eating as I don’t know how else to lose. It worked last year. Only problem is that my appetite is sort of back so it is hard not to eat when I am hungry. Hence why I had burritos at 2 am the other night. I ordered my groceries so I will be getting tortillas to make my breakfast burritos to store. I hope to make a lot. I just hope my mother has enough cheese. I know she has a lot of eggs. I might have to buy a dozen as I will be using a dozen. A friend said the secret is 2 eggs per burrito that you want to make. Which makes sense as when I make one, I use two eggs. But this is all for when I have surgery and I have food for when I don’t feel like making something.

My surgeon’s NP called me today to answer the questions that I had. She explained the surgery to me and that they won’t be removing a lot of bone or anything and I won’t need a transfusion. So I was happy about that. I told her I would need home care and she said I would have to talk to the nurse manager on my case when I am inpatient as they and my surgeon arrange that. It all depends on what I need and how I am after surgery. I keep praying that I walk in the hospital and am able to walk out even if it is with a walker. I haven’t decided if I am going to wear the afo or not the day of my surgery. I think I will be okay walking without it. I will have my sister bring my bag with me later that night so it doesn’t get lost. I just plan on having a few change of clothes and my toiletry bag. And catheters. The NP said the neuro floor is mostly private rooms so that is nice. I will know when I wake up if things went okay or not. Last time things were not okay and I knew right away something was wrong but I didn’t know what as I was out of it. I just worry my CRPS foot is going to go berserk for being laid up and manipulated. I hope I don’t wake up in a flare. That will be friggin awful.

up at 4 am and got a few goals

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Up at 4 am and got a few goals

I woke up around 4 because my bladder was giving me urges. I tried to go on my own and failed so had to cath. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away as I am anxious about my deposit coming through. I am supposed to get paid today. I hate when the deposit takes forever to go through. It usually is in by 330 am but sometimes it takes a couple more hours to pass. One day the bank was having trouble so I didn’t get my deposit till late afternoon/early evening. But soon as it goes through, I will pay my grocery tab even though I don’t really have the funds for it. I might have to forgo putting funds in my Starbucks acct. That really sucks but it is the only way I can afford things right now. Besides the money that I am putting toward my cards will be enough to add funds once the money gets processed. So hopefully it will all work out. Crossing my fingers it does. I cannot wait till my deductible of $250 is met so I don’t have to pay for my meds the rest of the year. It should be met by the end of the week as I have more meds to get. My monthly refills. I am glad they are all together now not spread out over the month.

I have three goals I like to do today. One is to get to the pharmacy for my meds. Second is emptying my recycle bag. Third is taking my trash out. If I can do at least two of the three I will be happy. I changed my sheets yesterday afternoon and it caused such a flare. My back was killing me by the end of the night. It felt like someone was trying to sever my spine in the middle of my back. The pain was awful. I don’t know what it will be like after surgery. I might not be able to sit for long periods like I am accustomed to. That will suck when I have to go to PT and will need to sit for at least 30 mins on the bus ride to the office. I am looking into getting a public assistance ride service for disabled people. It will pick you up and drop you off. I am hoping to have just a pick up at the hospital and then a ride home afterwards but I am not sure if I can do that. I will find out the week of my surgery. Just lovely that I will have that worry prior to my surgery. I still don’t know if I am disabled enough to get it.

So if I feel up to it later on today, I will post my progress on my goals and see how far I went. I hope to do all three but going up and down two flights of stairs three times is going to be tough. My ankle is already tingling and I all I did was use the bathroom. I also got to brush my teeth today. I have been really bad at brushing and I am to see the dentist the end of this week! Oh boy!

Presidents’ Day blog 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Presidents’ Day Blog 2020

It has been another painful day except this time it is my leg that hurts. I haven’t been able to do much today. Both legs hurt but the left is worse. I hope I don’t have a DVT. I always worry about that when I have been laying about and not being active too much. Hard to be active when you are in pain. I see my therapist tomorrow and I plan on calling my pcp’s office if it still hurts. I got to call the office anyways as there seems to be a scheduling error. I don’t have an appointment with my psychopharm until March. I thought I had one on the books for the last week of Feb but there isn’t one. I need a refill on my meds for the end of the month so I would like to see her but if I can’t, I will just tell her I need a refill. I got to call my surgeon’s office as they have the wrong medical record number on my paperwork. I think the number is my mother’s.

The last call I need to make is to make an appointment with the public transportation Ride service. It is a pickup service that I may need after surgery because I will be too weak to take public transportation. Once I have it, I will be able to see that pain clinic my pcp wants me to go to. But that won’t be until after my surgery. I don’t want to be changing up meds before then. I just hope that my pain will be taken cared of while I am in the hospital.

I was hoping to go to Starbucks tomorrow but I am out of funds. I’ll have to make my coffee tomorrow. Past few days I have been drinking tea. I still have the iced coffee in the fridge. It is past its expiration date so I hope it still takes good even though it hasn’t been opened. I will see tomorrow.

I got my grocery bill down to $174 even. Hope I can keep that total for a week. I don’t get paid until next Monday. I got a lot of cereal and frozen dinners so I have food while recovering from surgery. I wanted something quick that I didn’t have to stand and cook. I don’t think I will be able to do much the first few weeks after surgery. I have no idea what I am going to do about therapy. I don’t think going six weeks without is a good idea.

The voices are somewhat better. The increase in dose of the Invega has helped stabilize the psychosis. I chatted with a suicide hotline last night because the pain was so bad, I was losing my mind. We were talking and I felt like I gave too much information about being suicidal. They asked me what my plan was and I said that wasn’t relevant as I am not going to act on my thoughts tonight. I can hardly walk or stand so there was no way for me to attempt. They wanted me to let my therapist know I talked to them. I cringed at this. So after the conversation ended, I texted my therapist to tell her. I also asked for an appt for tomorrow and she responded with some times. I think it will be good to talk to her as things have been building up. The stress of surgery is causing so much havoc. The flares have been, too. I just feel so hopeless and helpless when the flares are so bad I can’t stand. It causes me to think of ending things and once I start, I can’t help but plan things. It is my escape and I don’t think that is ever going to change.

Saturday Blog 15022020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 15022020

I really haven’t done much today. My only goal for the day was to write a blog. I have been in pain most of the day, which meant having to take gaba. I have a risk for falling when I take gaba during the day and I have to be extra careful when going up and down stairs.

I put a medication on my bed when I got it from the pharmacy and I can’t find it. It has disappeared or my bed ate it. Sucks because I really need it right now. My psychopharm and I had decided to go up on the Invega before resorting to psych admission. Problem I have with admission is cathing. I am not sure what the process is as every floor is different. I am not sure if I will be able to cath or if I will have to have a leg bag. Having a 500mL bag will suck as I know I will wake up in the middle of the night to empty it. I doubt they will allow me to change bags as the tubing might pose a safety risk. The psychopharm did say that if my safety becomes an issue to go to the ED regardless of the cathing issue. My safety is more important.

I hit a rough spot the other night and I texted my therapist about it but got no response from her. I am sure we will talk about it when I see her next week. I had to fool the voices in order for them to leave me alone. This is when I increased the Invega. I am doing okay with the 6 mg. The voices have gone away. The psychopharm said I can go up to 7.5 mg if I need to. The script I am missing is the Invega. I don’t know if I used it or where I put it. It isn’t on my bed. I might have to get a refill to the pharmacy but that would mean borrowing money again as I am broke until next week. I don’t know if my mother will give me it. I already borrowed money off her earlier this month. I keep forgetting to budget money for my meds. Next month I need to have food so I put in a large order of groceries but I don’t think I can afford the $230 cart that I built. I might just order a few things rather than the whole thing. I am trying to get my food stamps increased but with the way the stupid ass president is cutting things, I doubt I can. Hell, they may just take it away from me because I am disabled and cannot work. So stupid. But the poor and disabled are the first groups of people to get screwed in government funds.