Tag: suicidality

Pit of Doom

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pit of doom

I didn’t think it was that long a period between blogs but I guess I am writing every 4 days or so. I don’t like it but some days it is so hard to get my thoughts together. I am missing the hell out of my psychiatrist even though it has only been two weeks since I last saw her. We have been keeping in touch through email but it isn’t the same thing. I went through the email communication while she was out during her hip surgery and it was torture. I didn’t see her for about 3 to 4 months while she was recovering. I seem to be emailing her at least twice a day, more if there is a response. I just miss her so much.

In the meantime, my mood has blackened. The suicidal mood that I was in in April seems to have returned. It isn’t quite as deep as it was then, but it is slowly getting worse. I am 100% sure the stress of being home and arguing with family nearly every day or every other has significantly contributed. I honestly don’t feel like I am wanted yet I am expected to do things even though my pain is through the roof. Sunday my youngest sister, who I thought was on my side, came up and put my clothes in the bin it was on top of, all without asking first. I did not want them in the bin because I do not want them smelling like plastic. She said she would throw in some dryer sheets. I got so pissed. I sarcastically thanked her and said it is going to hurt my back bending to get my clothes. She said I was being mean and to use my knees. Then she tells me to live my life, storms back up here and puts my clothes that were in a neat pile before, out of the bin in a messy fashion. I was in tears the whole fucking day as my pain just went through the fucking roof I was so upset. Later that night she calls me and I didn’t answer. She calls me a baby and tells me to be an adult. I say you tell me to live my life then call me a baby? Then she goes on about how living in a “mess” is unhealthy. I say I am not dead yet, nor have I been seriously ill. She then calls me selfish and I say good night. We haven’t spoken since. Last night they were having another argument with my mother, and again my fucking middle sister said to my mother “she wasn’t getting younger”. I have no fucking idea why the hell she is obsessed with age. She is 11 months younger than me and says she is old. WTF. I don’t get it. I do not like the fact they have my mother’s bedroom at the far end of the house while every one else is not near her. Something happens to her, we aren’t going to know till morning. How the fuck is that fair. Her sugar was low Saturday night and she came in my room. I was up because I had used the bathroom and couldn’t go back to sleep. She is supposed to navigate with a low sugar to get help or to the kitchen?? Obviously they didn’t plan this out or think this through.

Last night I was in a dark mood. I wrote a draft of what I wanted to say to my psych. Then sent off another email around midnight as I was in so much pain with my back and ankle I couldn’t sleep and was thinking of ending it. I have been slowly doing stuff in my room and it is costing me big time. I bought 6 bins to put my stuff in. I wanted to do stuff yesterday but all I got done was making space for one bin when I wanted to clear my bed so I could change the sheets. I had spilled Gatorade on the bedding so they need to be changed. I wanted to get it done today but I needed a shower, something to eat, and to pick up my meds. I actually had to go to the pharmacy twice because I forgot my ID at home. By the time I came back the second trip, I could barely make it home. I was sweating profusely, back and ankle kicked up two houses from mine, and I was kind of wishing I was fucking dead at that point. I had to change my shirt again. I wanted to jump into a cool shower but I don’t have the energy. Changing my sheets might have to happen Friday, if I don’t have to go to another pharmacy for my pain meds. Maybe I will go to a different chain this time. This new pharmacy always has problems with my meds every month since the other one closed. I am sick of it.

Back is so flared up my scar is hurting. I had to email my pcp to see if he knew of anything to help. He said maybe lidocaine. I have some lido patches so have been using that at night. It has been helping the pain but not the inflammation. I can’t use ibuprofen anymore because I have been getting flares of gastritis. I am on a PPI so I shouldn’t be getting the gastritis and having to use an antacid to settle my stomach. I switched from morning to evening and that has helped. I still don’t want to risk rocking the boat so am avoiding the ibuprofen. I just been taking Tylenol. Some times the pain med helps if the pain is severe enough but it is mostly muscle pain. I know I need to rest it but I got so much shit to do in my room. I thought every other day would be okay but nope. Just makes the pain worse and then I am out of commission for a week. I am just resting the rest of today. I had made a breakfast burrito so that should last me all day. I stayed in my room all day yesterday to avoid family. I didn’t go down to eat at all. I was going to when they had the meeting with my mother. I feel like my sisters are ganging up on my mother and I. All I had to eat yesterday was a protein bar and half cup of coffee. Think I might have had another protein bar before bed but my stomach was killing me so I don’t remember. I lost eight pounds in a week because of the stress. I either had no appetite or just didn’t feel like eating. I think last night’s stomach pains was hunger pains.

I am holding off on sending the draft to my psych. I have a tentative date I want to end things. I really don’t see the point of going on with the ongoing stress at home. I am trying to hold on to what she said of what I have to give to the world. A person on Twitter that I do not know had said the same thing. She had followed me for a while and said somethings that really made me think I mattered in what I say in my tweets, even if I don’t get likes or comments on them. A follower I know through the red sox said she found the courage to share her pain issues on Twitter because of what I write. It is so damn hard to continue living when you want to die yet know people out there, many you don’t know but know of you ether online or through social media, want you to go on despite you having no desire to.

Tuesday is Broken

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tuesday’s Broken

I was feeling pretty crappy today. Back pain was really bad and I just felt really, really down and worthless. I posted how I felt and someone responded with how I help people with how I feel with my posts and raw emotions. After I asked her if I could share her response and she said I could. I posted it on my IG and FB. I also sent a screen shot of it to my psych as she told me the things this person said, maybe not the way she said it, but the sentiment is the same. While I was thinking of all of this, Sugarland’s song, Tuesday is Broken popped into my head. I couldn’t find a more fitting song in that moment.

Last night I was transferring Gatorade from one bottle to another and ended up spilling it on my bedding. My back was hurting terribly so I wasn’t going to do it right then. I was cold because of the AC so I got some blankets and covered myself with those. The back pain didn’t ease up. When I woke up this morning to take my morning meds, I accidently doubled my dose of breakthrough meds and that made me very sleepy. I have been sleeping on and off all afternoon. I had sent my psych an email around 4 am saying I was worthless. I half expected her to call me but she didn’t. I also told her how suicidal I was feeling because my ankle and foot were no longer dissociating. I was getting crazy thoughts and wanted to go through with them so bad. I emailed her instead and that kind of lifted my load a bit. I have not heard from her at all. I hope she is getting my emails and they aren’t in cyber space somewhere. I haven’t been getting a “could not deliver” message so that is good. I think I have emailed her nearly every day this week. Been trying not to and the more I try, the more I fail. I just send her one email a day unless I am having a hard time, like I was last night. I honestly don’t remember being up at 4 but I must have because that is the time I sent the email. I think I also shut the AC off because of being cold. Today has been really hot that the AC is making my room cold but not an ice box. It is so fricken muggy in the house.

I made an egg burrito for the first time in ages. It was good. I put picante sauce in it before I rolled it up. I found that was better than spooning it onto it with each bite. I might make another tomorrow. I bought the flour tortillas. I have been eating them with chili. I fell in love with a Hormel chunky kind with beans. It has a little bit of a kick to it as my nose always runs when I eat it. I really want to make my cookies but it has been so fricken hot that I don’t want to be in my kitchen at all. Maybe I can convince my sisters to install a wall unit and shush my mother about it. It just makes cooking so hard in the summer.

I was still feeling a little sick after I ate. I think it was because of the pain meds. I took a Zofran so I wouldn’t hurl the contents of my stomach. I had coffee. I wanted another cup but my shirt was soaked with sweat and I didn’t want to stay in the kitchen anymore. The testosterone has so increased my sweating. I hate that I have to wear deodorant all the time now because otherwise, I stink within minutes in this heat, even if I just came out of the shower. I really hate that I have to put off top surgery until the construction is done. I am starting to look stupid because I have facial hair and female boobs. I so hate the things on my chest. I hate them more and more every single day. I think that is why I have been feeling such loathing and worthlessness. I have no idea how to counteract the gender dysphoria. I have been shaving again. I had wanted to stop to see what grew but my nephew said that if I keep shaving it will grow faster so I am doing that. There is one slight problem…I like having a smooth face so I am not sure growing a beard, even though I really want one, is going to be possible. I could just grow it and see how it feels and then if I don’t like it, shave it off. I am not going to let it grow crazy like my nephew does. I can’t stand when men do that. It just drives me crazy. I like when it is neat. Maybe it is just me.

The good news is that because I rested and took meds, my back isn’t hurting me as much. It could have flared up because the thunderstorms were passing through and the pressure changes set it off as well. Either way, I am just glad I can move without pain again. My foot is killing me but that is a constant thing that will never go away. I just hope it doesn’t make me suicidal again like it did last night. Pain had jumped from a 12 to a 15 to a 17 within a few hours. I am really exhausted from it, even though I really haven’t done much today. Tomorrow I want to take down the recycling in my room as it has been growing. I just got some study money for Amazon so I might order the bins I was looking at. I was planning on getting four but I might get six. I was going to buy another foam topper that DOESN’T fucking move but I am too afraid it is going to make me hot because of the gel. I also don’t have a place I can spread it out on for 24 hours. I might sleep in the recliner in the living room if I do get it. It has to air out for that long in order for it to “set.” It is also summer so being in the living room right now would totally fucking suck because it will be hot as hell and I won’t be able to sleep. I am completely heat intolerant because of the nerve injury and T. I might hold off till after the construction so I can maybe place it in the dining room floor for 24 hours and then carry it up to my room. I just hope it doesn’t sell out by then because I will be pissed!

Feeling anxious again so I took my pulse. It dropped 5 points since I last took it. It has been steadily dropping today. After I ate it went up to 89, then went down to 63 and now it is 58. It will probably get lower as the night goes on. I have no idea why my pulse drops when I am in pain. My blood pressure is good; I don’t get hypotensive or hypertensive. I just hate feeling fearful for no reason. I hope tomorrow I can do some more stuff around my room, like putting more clothes in the drawers that I cleared out. Or maybe just put my PJs in there so I know where they are, if I remember LOL. I also had trouble peeing today because I forgot to take my urine retention pill. I was having bad bladder pains and spasms. I was wondering why and then I realized I hadn’t peed since the morning. I wasn’t getting the urge to go because that fucking connection seems to want to work when it wants to work, not when it is supposed to thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome. My sister was yelling at my mother for something so I didn’t want to go downstairs. I hate that I am walking on eggshells in my own house again because of the bitch bully.

thoughts on my blog, input needed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thoughts on my blog

I have been discharged from the hospital. I am paranoid that I am being monitored by someone at the hospital on what I write. I am not 100% positive of this because my stats views have gone back down to there regular numbers. Either way, it got me thinking about how to proceed.

For those that read my blog every day, I would like your input. You can give it to me via my contact page or if you want to leave a comment, that is fine too. If you are a close friend and follow me on other social media, feel free to contact me there as well. I am thinking of password protecting my blogs going forward but want my readers to read them. It would be the same password (unless I feel that it contains information that I only want some people to read. These posts would most likely be of suicidal nature that I don’t want to freak someone out and call the cops on me.)

Let me know how you feel about this. I know that my readership will most likely be down, but I need to do this because I still want this to be my outlet for my frustrated feelings, anger, and depressed thoughts as well as my suicidality, which is why I created this blog in the first place. I know I could just write some where else these “toxic” feelings but it is hard as this has been my source of support and some of it does help people in knowing they are not alone with chronic pain and depression and suicidal thoughts/feelings.

I have protected my posts on Twitter. I am not sure anyone can see them anymore. I know that people that follow me cannot retweet what I write. I really hated doing this but it will only be for a short while when I think I will be free from being monitored. I am really upset over this intrusion of my venting and it being used against me, like there are only nurses at this particular hospital and none of the other hospitals in and around Boston. This is how narrow minded this doctor was and he had the gall to call me a “Trumpian”. This angered me so damn much I had a breakdown after our meeting. I couldn’t stop crying because I was so angry and frustrated. One of the nice mental health workers came into my room to talk to me. She didn’t know exactly what was going on but tried to reassure me this didn’t affect future care at the hospital. I think it is so stupid. I emailed my psychiatrist, who probably just blew it off as me venting steam. I am not sure if the doctor emailed my psychiatrist and told her what I was writing. I would have filed a complaint but usually that doesn’t get anything changed. He was one of the higher ups so my complaint would most likely be thrown in the trash and my record possibly flagged as not to be admitted anymore at that hospital, which is fine with me.

The day before discharge, I had a meeting with my sister and social worker via the phone. OMG it was so fucking terrible. My sister basically verbally abused me. I won’t repeat what was said. I just felt like no matter how much I tried to tell her how much pain I was in and how I needed to recover afterwards, she didn’t hear me at all. She wanted me to go through my stuff while I was recovering from my appointments or anything else that caused my pain to keep me up all night and just stay in bed. I felt so horrible after the meeting which was the same day I was spoke to about my blog. I was just waiting for number three incident to complete the three’s. Thankfully it never happened. I was in so much pain though from being emotionally tapped out. Since I have been home, I have not seen my sister. She asked my mother if I was home but did not come to my room to even say hi to me and her voice toward my mother was kind of testy, like I didn’t belong here at all. I swear she is just like my bastard father. She called me selfish but that is just a projection. The social worker really understood what I go through at home. During the phone call, I wanted to hang up so fucking bad. I wanted to talk to my sister about her use of pronouns but I didn’t think it would be worthwhile. I had an agenda but it totally backfired as I just had to go through my stuff no matter what or how I feel. I really feel unwanted.

So for those reading along, please let me know if you would be willing to read my blogs that are password protected or if you just want me to write like I have been even though it might ruffle some feathers at the stupid hospital I was at.

2019May13 Misery and Insomnia Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

2019May13 Misery and Insomnia Continues

I barely slept last night. I was up till around 0530 because my ankle decided to go up to a level 12 at midnight and stay that way most of the night. It went down to an 8 when I woke up around 10 but after I brushed my teeth, made lunch, washed my dishes, and folded my bedding, pain shot back up higher. It is now around a level 13. I am so disgusted.

I was so frustrated and had bad urges in the early morning hours. I was in such despair. I realized around 4 am that if I go in the hospital, I am not going to have my meds at my bedside. I would have to walk to the nurse’s station to get meds and then walk back to my room. Walking is not a good thing when you are in a fricken flare. So I emailed my psych this and haven’t had a response. I sent her another email asking her if she is going to force me in the hospital. I am done with messaging her today. Either she responds or she doesn’t. I told her I can talk to her tonight or tomorrow, or the rest of the week. I don’t care but I am not going in the hospital. It isn’t like being on a psych unit you have a call bell to have the nurse come to your room. And because the nurse needs to scan your wrist band to give out meds, it is just not a good situation for me.

I am fricken exhausted. Past two nights I barely slept more than 8 hours. I am running on fumes. I had coffee because I needed it. I hate this is another day of not being able to do anything in my room. I haven’t done my PT exercises and don’t care to. I have been doing the calf thing trying to get it loose. I have not used the new band for the foot exercises. I am just so frustrated I don’t want to do a damn thing. I have been doing the foot thing where I am trying to get my foot to be flat. Because my calf is tight, my foot is always bearing on my toes rather than be flat. I have been this way for years so I don’t think that is going to change. I tried it while I was on the bus and train Friday and it was killing my muscles. I am just not used to it. I try and hold it for a little longer.

My psych just responded and wants me to call her tonight or tomorrow morning. For some reason I am scared. Even though I have known her more than half my life, I always fear she will throw me in the hospital and throw the key away. I know this irrational. So I will call her later. Rather face the music today than tomorrow. I will be a nervous wreck if I wait till tomorrow morning.

To the person who commented on my blog yesterday, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I know you are probably hurting a lot. You will get through it even though it might seem impossible right now. Hope you are continuing to read my blog so you see this message.

I took some gaba to help with the pain. Not sure that was an good idea if I got to talk to my psych tonight. Last night I was a little dissociative before trying to sleep at 130am. I have been doing anything and everything I can to control the pain. It most likely is flaring due to the weather. Temp dropped about 14 degrees last night. I so cold. I had to put another blanket on my bed because I put my fleece one in my bag I was planning to take to the hosp. I still am hoping to be a free bird this week. Not sure yet. Will find out when I talk to my psych tonight. Hence why I am scared. She very insistent Friday when we met. I know she is right but I am getting upset on how it will be and it hasn’t even happened yet. A friend said to “let it work” but I am very sure she has never been in the hospital recently, or at least where I live. If I had a therapist, maybe things would be better. The social worker got back to me about the therapist situation. Unfortunately the director is in Africa for a few weeks so she doesn’t know what is going on until he is back. Wonderful. Just reinforces the notion I am a hopeless case no one wants to take on. Other might be helped but after 28 years of getting help, it hasn’t worked out yet for me.