Tag: suicidality

going to partial

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going to partial

I had a lengthy conversation with my therapist yesterday about partial hospitalization. She really wants me to go and think it will help me. I was cranky and irritable and that concerned her. I told her I haven’t been eating and she said that was concerning. The whole appointment was a concern for her. I told her I would get in touch with the social worker today about starting the program, which I did. I start Thurs. I should be getting a phone call tomorrow night about how to join as I haven’t received any web information. It starts at 9. Yuck. I think I just have two meetings that day, back to back. Just hope I can make coffee before the meeting. I have two meetings so far for Thurs back to back.

Yesterday I got tested for Covid. I am glad I scheduled the appointment as I was in and out. Otherwise I would have had to wait two hours to be seen. I am still waiting for my results. It was easy to get to and I am glad I was familiar with the area. After the testing, I went to Starbucks and got a Crème Brule latte. It was really sweet and I only got the 2 shots of espresso. I should have gotten three but it is ok. I know for next time.

I am feeling good today. I might shower and shave. My beard is a little on the long side and is irritating when I put my chin down. I think I might just trim it some so it isn’t annoying. I haven’t shaved it in over a month now. I like the results. Sucks with the mask no one can see it outside of the house. I love the feel of the beard under my chin.

I ordered a new calendar today and was not pleased the price went up by 10 bucks. I usually get it for 10 or under. But I like having a calendar I can look at a glance to check in what day is what. Helps me to keep track of the days much better than looking on my phone.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded urodynamic testing. I will be glad to get it over with. It isn’t a pleasant test but it is important. I just hope all is well and I can keep doing what I have been doing. It is a little tough sometimes because I know I still retain and the urge to go isn’t strong at times. Sometimes I will be sitting on the toilet and have to wait more than a few minutes to start urinating. That is so frustrating. Just when I am ready to say the hell with it and cath, I go. So it is worth waiting I guess. I got to figure out what time to leave my house. I think I will leave around 9 so I can get some coffee at Starbucks and maybe something to eat. I have been wanting to have their breakfast sausage sandwich. It is supposed to be cold tomorrow. I am just glad the building isn’t down the street from the hospital this time. It would have taken me forever to walk there with my back the way it is.

I got a lot of worries with my family right now that I wish I could talk about but I can’t. So hard having so much anxiety about this. It definitely isn’t helping the tension in my neck and jaw. I haven’t eaten anything today. I don’t know what I want to eat. I want to nap. Maybe I will be hungry after I have some sleep.

I showered and am hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I showered and am hurting

I decided to bite the bullet and shower as it has been almost a week since I last showered. It felt good to wash my hair but my back cramped up. I tried to hurry so that it would calm down. The worse was getting dressed as I was just hurting so much. I could barely move. I hate this. I can’t even enjoy a shower anymore. I took a Ativan as I already took some Zanaflex. Doc got back to me and increased the dose. It hasn’t made a difference. I am going to give it another few days and then let the doc know. I am supposed to take it three times a day and I have been taking it only twice a day. Most of the time it is hard to get that 3rd dose in. I hate three times a day dosing. I can remember to take it twice a day but that third time is always a killer.

I have been feeling really down. My thoughts have turn destructive. I texted my therapist what they were as I didn’t know what else to do. I told her I would listen to some country tunes (which I am doing now) and then read. I decided to blog first. It has been a while since I last read. I am reading two books and they are so different. One is the city of brass. It is a middle eastern book about fantasy. The other book is about the cold war with Ronald Reagan. The book is interesting but it is long and talks a lot about the Russian politics in play at the time.

Back keeps playing up as I am typing. I have been trying to stay hydrated but I am not that thirsty so it is hard. I just want to nap but I am not that tired. I had woken up a few times during the night. I woke up with the room hot so I had to put the AC on. Then I woke up because I was cold. I needed coffee so I got up and had a sandwich. I have been having fluffernutters, a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. I love it. It is really good. I really want a cheeseburger from McDs but I can’t justify the cost of delivery for one burger. I might get an ice cream with it. It is still early for dinner.

My ankle was feeling weird in the shower. Sometimes the water annoys it. Now it is flared up and I am so down about this. My back and ankle hurting me is not a good combination. Maybe I will treat myself to McDs and get some nuggets, too. I just don’t want to make something to eat. I won’t be able to stand too long. I just hope the ankle pain settles down soon. I will take a BT med soon. I am so tired of taking pills all day. I never get a break from it. It depresses me so much. It really causes me to have dark thoughts. Thoughts these days have been floating around and haven’t let up much. I so want to act on the thoughts and sleep for a good 10 hours or so but I am scared that it might not go how I think it will. Pain makes it hard to think. Always hard to think. But always wrapped in emotions.

Saturday Blog 12092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12092020

I changed the background on my zoom and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to have therapy with my therapist on Wed. I wanted to have something different than just looking at a wall in my room. Monday I need to call to schedule my PT appointment. I meant to call yesterday but it was not going to happen as I was so sleepy. Today I slept till almost 1500. I still had coffee. I needed it. I might end up going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I got another text from them saying my meds are ready for pick up. I feel too lazy today to go but I might force myself to go. I don’t know. If I go, I will get Oreo ice cream.

I need to shave today. I might do that later. I will be careful not to reopen my cut on my face. It is healing nicely. I want to wash my face today so maybe after I shave I will do that. I just hope my back cooperates and doesn’t cramp up on me. I should shower too but that may be too much. I get tired easily these days. I am still recovering from back surgery. I am to do activities to my tolerance and if things tire me out, then I need to rest, per doctor’s orders.

College football starts today. I don’t think the Buckeyes are playing. There are only 19 teams scheduled to play. I don’t know who is playing as I haven’t looked. I heard Iowa lost to Louisiana. That was an upset. I am not that interested this year in college football like I was in previous years. The virus has put a damper on my excitement about games. I just want to keep the players healthy. There are some nasty side effects of the virus if you get it and survive.

Hunter Hayes has come out with a song that is perfect for suicide prevention. I love it. It is called Invisible. I have been listening to it on repeat the past few days. He has been involved in this year’s World suicide prevention day. He was selling T-shirts to benefit some organization. I haven’t been involved this year because I just can’t right now. I am too hurt from my feelings and where I was a year ago. I wrote about it on Twitter. I still can’t believe that conviction I felt about ending my life is gone. I am less suicidal. I still think about it at times but it is more of a passing thought. It doesn’t hang around like it used to.

A few weeks ago my therapist gave me the low down on my illness and said that it was severe and that I needed treatment that included medication. She wasn’t backing down on this. I slowly have come to the realization that she is right. I do have a severe illness and it does require treatment. I had been in denial that it was severe because I thought I could handle it on my own in certain aspects of it. But I can’t be in denial anymore. I have to accept that I have severe depression. It is hard. It hasn’t been easy to accept. I am not sure I have fully accepted this. I am trying though. It is a challenge every day to get through it. Some days are easier than others. The fatigue of depression never seems to fade. But there are days were I am able to overcome its grip and carry on through the day. It might make me more exhausted as the day ends but at least I pulled through.

Friday Thoughts 11092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday thoughts 11092020

I’ve been in a tired mood for most of the day. I don’t want to do anything. My sister made mac and cheese and that has been all that I have eaten today. She is making some apple dessert so I can’t wait to try that.

I met with my psych. She said that I look better than I did the last time she saw me. I do feel better but I am just tired. It was good seeing her. She wasn’t so worried now that I am better. She knows the psychiatrist I will see next week. I am glad she approves. I was worried she wasn’t. She said that the guy is a good guy and I will like him. I hope so.

There are like twenty or so games left in the baseball season. Sox have won one game in their last five and are losing tonight. I didn’t think it would happen because there are only left handed hitters on the Rays lineup but doesn’t matter. They are losing by four runs in the 5th. I talked to my therapist about them yesterday and she said she has stopped following them. I can’t. I try but I just can’t do it. I have to know the results of the game. It is what keeps me going.

Yesterday’s therapy session was hard. I talked about my abuse my cousin did to me because I was flooded with memories the past few days. I have felt disgusted by the memories and more. We also talked about my cousin dying so young. We did talk about the anniversary of my last psych hospitalization. It was a year ago. I told her last year was the worst year I ever had. It took more than a year for me to recover and I don’t think I am fully recovered from it. I am still severely depressed but not as suicidal like I was. I still find it odd that I am still alive. I had such conviction to end my life last year. I honestly have no idea how I am still around. My therapist has been keeping track of the time we have worked together. I find this kind of odd because most therapists don’t do this.

I’ve been in a lot of ankle pain today. The barometric pressure is over 30 and the temps are 20 degrees cooler. Pain has gone through me like an ice pick. I haven’t hurt this much in a long time. I can hardly find a comfy spot for my ankle and foot. Seems it is ok for a little while and then pain shoots up again. I’ve tried to be careful with it when I get up to get something but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I took some gaba to try and stop the pain. I am not sure if I will have to use something else too or not. I just took some Zanaflex. That will at least make me sleepy enough so I can try and get some sleep, though if this level of pain doesn’t go down, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It is always so hard to know when you can sleep and when you can’t. I wish I could take more BT meds but I am already at my max for the day. I haven’t been great at ignoring pain today because it has been so high. I hate when pain levels are this high. It is just a gnawing kind of pain that refuses to go away. It makes it so hard to concentrate and think. Going to take some more gaba and hope for the best.