Tag: mental pain

Writing difficulties and dealing with shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing difficulties and dealing with shit

***warning long read***

I have been having trouble writing my blogs. I have been going through some turmoil about my psych leaving. I have been in contact her with email but it isn’t the same. I feel like I lost a parent. Because of this, I have lost my words. Past few days, I have not been able to write because even though there is stuff to write about, I just can’t get it. It is really difficult. Before I left seeing my psych we talked about my writing and writing in general. I half want to send her a message telling her I have been having difficulty writing since she left but not sure that is appropriate as I don’t want to make it seem like her leaving is the reason I cannot write. I am so mad at the place she and I worked at because they forced out for obviously different reasons. I think this anger is what is getting in the way of my writing. She wants me to continue my care there. And frankly, I really don’t want to leave as I finally found a doctor that can work with me and has a good team that cares. That is rare to find these days.

Day before yesterday (the 2nd), I had my appointment with my TG doc (transgender). We discussed how things were going and I am pleased with the results. I sort of have a hair explosion which I knew was going to happen but damn, my legs are really hairy now. She told me that T can cause increase in sweating and OMG that hit me like a ton of bricks. I sweat really bad anyway because of my nerve injury and now it is worse. The weather has been really muggy and hot and because of the sweating, I had to go through like 3 shirts in one day over a couple of days. I couldn’t understand why I was so damn hot and now I realize it is because of hormones adding to my already messed up temperature settings. I asked her if she was going to increase the T dose and she said no because my testosterone blood level is in the “male” range. I had my blood drawn yesterday and I guess I made the cut off for running hormones as my T result came back. It was nearly double what it was in Jan. Holy crap. I looked up the normal range for males and I am close to being in the middle of it. So I will stay on the dose. My hematocrit has increased though my energy levels haven’t. Hematocrit levels shows if you are anemic or not. I was always in the 30s range. Now I am in the 40s. Thing is my numbers have steadily increased and she told me that she doesn’t want my blood to become viscous due to increase in blood production in the bone marrow. I am fine with the dose as it is. She also said that it is a time process so the longer I am taking the T, the more it will build up in my system. I felt good about that but also am a little impatient!

Before I started my blog, I had a chat with my nephew. I am so glad I can talk to him about men stuff. I had asked him about the facial hair and he said that shaving it will make it grow faster. I had wanted to hold off shaving the rest of the month to see what will grow as the fuzz around my face is becoming more noticeable but is not really dark enough yet. It is there but kind of faded. So when I take a shower today, I will shave. I might trim my sideburns a little bit. They are now past my earlobes so it will be only a matter of time before the rest fills in. One day I really want to go downstairs with facial hair just to freak my mother out. She has not been accepting of transgendered people. My brother in law’s nephew is trans and there was a period of time where we didn’t see him. When we did, he had almost a full beard and my mother exclaimed, “what the hell is on your face?!” I nearly died from embarrassment and also felt the sting of it because I knew then she would not accept me when I did grow a beard or when I came out to her. I was right about it and it still hurts. I have tried talking to her about it but she is adamant that she is “accepting.” When I was in the hospital, I had asked her during my last weekend there when is she going to accept me. Her response was in a strained voice as she said “she has accepted since I was born.” The other stuff we talked about I knew was making it uncomfortable for her. I can pick up things, I always have as I have been empathic and sensitive. We haven’t talked about it since, though she is trying to use my pronouns and name more, unlike my sister that moved in. She has yet to call me a him/he and will call me my birthname. I am glad my youngest sister is more accepting but if she messes up, she will correct herself. I am not sure if my brother in law knows I am or not. I haven’t told him and I am not sure my sister (youngest) has either. The kids (nieces and nephew) have been more accepting and I think knew before I came out to them. It has been a process for everyone. My online friends have been the most accepting and supportive. They really like the transition photos as they can see the changes. I had recently done a ten week transition post and even then you can see a change. I really don’t like my day 1 pic anymore. But I think that has more to do with me hating myself and being uncomfortable with myself for basically two reasons: I am not congruent to what I am and that my father called me ugly and fat my whole life. I do think I am ugly and obviously I am fat. The TG had the “weight talk” with me. Even though I had lost 12 pounds since I last saw her and I told her it was because of me not eating, she still wants me to lose more. I have no idea why doctors feel they have to say the obvious. I cannot stand it because it makes me feel more ashamed of myself.

I had appointments all week. Today and the rest of the week I am not doing anything. My legs are so sore from everything. Monday when I went to PT things looked good. I have two sessions left and then I will “graduate.” I have been going for nearly six months trying to get my right (good) ankle/foot stronger. I don’t think I can get the calf to loosen. It has been the most aggravating part over the course of treatment. Every time I try to stretch, I hurt the next day in a big way. I pretty much have given up on it. I have also given up on trying to get my balance better only because I need to be standing and my CRPS foot/ankle doesn’t like it. It can trigger a flare. Tues after I saw my TG doc, I had a flare and for the first time, a few hours later, I dissociated. I felt like I didn’t have a foot/ankle anymore and the pain was not there. It was very fucking weird. This lasted until this morning when I woke up at 2 am because of back and hip pain. I have gotten into this habit while sleeping to twist my upper body is one way and my pelvis/hip is the opposite. I had some pain that was about an 8 so I took my breakthrough meds and some Neurontin. When I was having difficulty going back to sleep, I took some melatonin. I now have a hangover from it but that is what coffee is for. I still don’t have mega pain and this worries me. I had emailed my psych about this but never got a response about it.

Yesterday I saw my eye doctor, which I am not going back to again. She didn’t really help me and I feel like she didn’t get what I was telling her as I really couldn’t see the letters out of my right eye clearly. No matter how I told her that, she just kept adjusting the lenses on the thing and nothing worked. Then she went to the other eye. After that she just said my prescription changed a little. I was like WTF. How the hell could it have changed a little when I cannot see out of my right eye from far away??? I had gone to see her not only for a regular eye exam but also due to my having double vision. I had told my psych as I thought it might be the Lamictal and she said it is. I needed to be under supervision to taper down the dose so she is trying to speed up seeing another psychiatrist. But after the exam, it turns out that my right eye is “lazy” meaning the muscles are weak and get worse when I am tired, hence the double vision. The problem is not problematic enough for me to have a prism in my eyeglasses, but if it gets worse, I will need it. I feel like I might need it now as I could not see just one frame the whole time she was trying to get me to see one. I kept on seeing two or the corner or half of the other frame. Again, she did not listen to me and just went on with her business. I will be seeing my mother’s eye doctor. He is an ophthalmologist which is what I sort of need. My mother confused me because she said a “nurse” did the eye exam and then he went over what they did to okay it. I tried to get more information out of her but she doesn’t know who the person is that is testing her vision. She never asks the questions just goes along with it. I am sure if the doctor said that if she jumped off a bridge would help her, she would. So now I got to get another eye exam, which needs to be on Medicare, not my eye insurance. I am not sure Medicare covers eye exams. I know the insurance that I have does but they will not cover it because I have Medicare. I am so annoyed at this. I won’t be getting new glasses until I get another eye exam. I want to make sure the prescription is right and won’t cause my eyes to strain or get tired while reading on my phone or while I am on the computer or even looking at something far away like a street sign or something. I have always known my right eye has been weak but hell, least listen to me when I say I cannot see the letters!

After the appointment, I sent an email to my psych telling her the double vision was likely not due to the Lamictal but having the lazy eye problem. I never got a response back. I then emailed her about still being in a dissociated state. I wish she would have responded but she didn’t. I miss her and it has only been a week since I last saw her.

I guess that is all. I might do a weekly blog if I don’t write every day or every other day, like I am doing now. I know it is long and I apologize. I just wanted to write how things are going for me. It has been a real struggle and my pain has not helped my suicidality. I still have my plan and I know one day I will go through with it. Just not now.

tough painful week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough painful week

I’ve had a rough week both physically and emotionally. Monday I semi said goodbye to my psych of 26 years. She still wants to care for me so when she finds another home, she will call me. She is not sure where she will be as she has not thought that far. I totally understand that. I figure it might be a few months but in the meantime I will still be in contact with her either through phone or email. I started having side effects of my mood stabilizer, which is really bad timing as I am not currently under direct care of a psychiatrist. My psych is trying to push seeing someone faster. My pcp’s social worker is also trying to get me to see a gender affirming psych that is joining the clinic. I just had bloods drawn for a level as last time I was barely therapeutic. I am having double vision and just to make sure there isn’t something wrong with my eyes, I am seeing my eye doc next week.

I had PT which was sort of good. On Saturday, I did some stuff around my room. Sunday I did a little more even though my back didn’t like it. Monday I was okay until I was coming home from my psych’s appointment. Back flared up terribly. I was still hurting when I saw my PT on Tuesday. She gave me some decompressing exercises to do. I was really hurting past few days as I have been having pain go down my leg and the pain was near my spine yesterday when I was coming home from the therapist appointment.

The therapist appointment went well. I found out what kind of therapist she is and I think it is going to work out. She loves the Sox and we both have the same favorite player, though she is a lot more obsessive than I am about him!! At one point, I thought she was going to jump down my throat when I was criticizing him and she stopped me before I could say anything. Yikes! I have my next appointment with her the week after next. She is a CBT therapist but also has some DBT stuff. I am going to bring her my copy of Craig Bryan’s CBT for suicide attempters and see if she is receptive to it. If she isn’t, then I guess that will be okay and we can go from there. I will have a hard time with it though as I feel like I have all these things that could possibly help me with my suicidality but I don’t have a therapist to go along with it and it frustrates the hell out of me! I did ask her if she would turn me away and she said no. I was relieved to hear this. Maybe she will work out after all.

My sister had sent me texts Wed saying she wanted to take my stuff upstairs today. I told her no as I knew I would be hurting as I have all week. Fortunately, she decided to go to the beach so I didn’t have to deal with her. We haven’t really spoken kind words to each other since she moved in. I really don’t care as she really hasn’t been there and doesn’t understand anything I have been going through since I have been on disability. I really don’t see this changing. Maybe when the work on the house is done with but certainly not right now.

A couple of hours ago, I used the bathroom. I normally don’t really look in the mirror as I hate my face. Today I did and much to my surprise, I have darker hair around my jawline! The fuzz is becoming darker. I was so excited. I knew I had to post transition pics, which I did on Instagram and facebook. I kind of did on Twitter, too, though didn’t give as big a description. Kind of hard to do when you only have 240 characters. I just sent it out to a couple of people that want to keep track of my transition. I hope when my T gets increased next week, the facial hair will come in faster and darker. I would love to come downstairs one morning and shock the hell out of my mother with a beard. I am not sure she knows I am on T. I sure as hell didn’t tell her. I am not sure if she asked my sisters or if my sisters told her. She hasn’t said a word to me about anything. I have mentioned that I will be having my breasts removed. She didn’t seem to like that at all. Yet she wants me to be “happy.” I don’t think I can ever be happy as I don’t know what the hell it is. I rather be content but the way things are going, I doubt that will ever happen. I forced myself to shower because some icky water fell on me. I have this thing that turns musty smells to water and the container fell on me. I had to shower. I was hurting afterwards. My back wanted to kill me. I started getting suicidal thoughts again. I have been having them on and off since being discharged from the hospital. They haven’t been really bad like they were. I have thought on a few occasions to end it and started to plan it but once the pain backed off, so did the planning. I just wish something helped with the flares. Since changing my meds to something else, nothing has worked for the flares. The 24/7 pain has been lowered. I wake up with a 2 or 3 but sometimes if I have more than a few days activity, I will have ankle/foot pain that is more than I can bear. I haven’t been able to find something to help ease that pain. Distraction works but only to a point. I could watch a movie but soon as that movie is over, the pain returns, sometimes worse than what it was before I started watching the movie. Last night I did five cryptograms. It was really cool as I really miss doing them. I started to remember the hacks. Some were really too difficult for me so had to go to a new puzzle. One quote was perfect for my psych so I sent it to her. I also sent her the transition pics and the excitement about growing in a beard. I half want to shave the stuff off just to see if it would grow back thicker but my friends told me to leave it alone. Hair under my chin is growing more together. Just wish it was in the middle of my chin. There is still a bare spot.

Guess that is all for today. Not sure if I will post over the weekend. It has been difficult finding my words lately, hence the spotty posts. Thanks for reading and understanding.

Sunday blog 23062019

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 23062019

I woke up with minor back pain that has only gotten worse as I moved around. My mother hasn’t been feeling good so I made her dinner and that was my breaking point. I can barely move and I can’t lay reclining on my back because my CRPS foot goes bananas. I am so uncomfortable. I did some more stuff today. I cleaned out a tub drawer that has come sheets in it. I washed them so I can put that back clean. They have been in there for quite some time so needed to be washed again.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Around 330 I was listening to blaring music. Apparently, I was hallucinating because no one else heard it. I had texted my nephew to lower his game. He said the neighbors were arguing. I told him about the music and he said there was no music playing. Fuck. I almost always become psychotic when I am really stressed out. Seems last night I was stressed. I was up till after 4. I honest have no clue what time I fell asleep. I woke up briefly when my med alarm went off but I didn’t get up to take my meds. I took them around noon when I woke up. I honestly didn’t want to but my bladder said I had no choice. I still get the feeling that I am going to lose control when I stand. And today with the back pain I had pain going down my leg. I immediately started having intrusive memories of when I had cauda equina syndrome (CES) the first time. This time is slightly different as the back pain is mostly on my left side where the pain is going down into my left leg. This is the same leg I have the CRPS. I hope I haven’t shifted a disc or something. I am hoping it is just sciatica and nothing more.

My sister was out of the house so I had a peaceful day. We barely spoke to each other when she came home. It was strained but polite. We were worried about my mother as her speech was slightly slurred. I can never tell if it is the beginning of a stroke or her sugar about to crash. The symptoms are similar and I get freaked out. I had called my other sister to let her know because I didn’t want her to come home with an ambulance at the door. Then she would have gotten mad that I didn’t call her. She got mad because I called her and she wasn’t home. WTF I can’t win with these people. I think I am doing the right thing and it is wrong.

My CRPS foot/ankle have been feeling like it is being stabbed since I got up. It was probably because of not taking my ER pain med in the morning. I have no idea why I didn’t take it before going to sleep like I usually do. Maybe I just wanted to get up to bake cookies. I really did want to make these damn cookies but fucking back said no. I could barely stand more than five minutes without it flaring up. I am sad I didn’t make them but I am at the hosp on Thursday so I can bring them by to my psych if I make them on Wed when I don’t have any appointments. I have three this week, my psych, PT, and the therapist.

I finally broke down today. I started sobbing and couldn’t stop even though I tried. I really hope I don’t ugly cry tomorrow. I really don’t like crying but this is so damn devastating. I am so fucking angry at the institution. We both got screwed by them in our respective departments. I got forced on disability and she got forced out because she didn’t want a lower position. I really don’t blame her. I blame the fucking place for kicking her out after 30 fucking years. The fricken profession is short of child psychiatrists and they kick out a good one?? Makes me so fucking angry. I half don’t want my care there anymore. Too many bad memories there. But I really have no where else to go just like my home life.

Because my back is almost out, I am not risking a shower. I set my alarm an hour before I have to leave so I can possibly shower. I hate that the appointment is in the morning but I guess it is better than later. I just started drinking. I had taken my pain meds and within a half hour, my MP3 player played Eric Church’s Mixed Drinks About Feelings. It hit me hard and I felt like having a shot. Then I wanted another. I might have a few more. Then I took my night meds. I am in a don’t give a fuck mood. I am in too much fucking pain to care if I get drunk. Honey whiskey is so damn smooth. Hard to just have one shot anyways.

2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart

I saw my psych today and the first thing she said to me was “have a mustache.” I laughed. I had taken a selfie while at the bus stop and when it popped up on my timeline on FB, I really noticed it being darker than it was even a week ago. Sometimes it is the small things you don’t notice right away. I sort of have been in a gender incongruent/dysphoric mood today as I feel like my breasts are a thousand pounds each. Also feeling bloated doesn’t help. I am not sure why I am bloated as I haven’t eaten gassy foods today, unless it is leftover gas from the burrito I had last night. I am just uncomfortable with my body right now and I don’t like it. I loathe myself so much right now.

My appointment kind of went as planned, with the exception of the hospital being my choice. She is insisting on me going in the hospital next week when my sisters come home. I told her to please find out of the psych unit prescribes pain medication because if they don’t, there will be problems. I most certainly won’t be going in if I can’t have pain meds. I am to call her Tuesday so she can find out about beds as we sort of agreed on a Wed admission. I honestly don’t know if things will be better by then. I doubt it as I am getting closer and closer to an attempt. We didn’t discuss the means, thank god. But she is not letting this get worse as it already has been.

I have already packed a bag. I just need to see if I packed shorts because I don’t want to be hot as the temps have been climbing up. I also need to make sure I have extra underwear as I have been leaking a lot more than usual lately. The increase in the pain meds have caused more retention than I expected. I am still hoping it will level off but who knows when that will be. It has been a few weeks since I started the new dose so maybe a few weeks more as my body adjusts. Course this also goes with how many breakthrough meds I have been taking as that also causes retention. I honestly don’t get the signal to pee until I am practically ready to burst. This is due to the nerve damage caused by cauda equina syndrome. Even though it has been more than 10 years, I still have damage that is permanent.

After I left my psych’s office and was on the way to the train home, I got hit with the biggest heart ache. It hit me so hard, I could barely breathe. It has been bad like this the past three or four days now. I really don’t know what brings it on. But I guess that is the nature of psychache, just comes on when you least expect it. Then when I came home and got into my PJs, my damn ankle exploded in pain. Pain got worse as I have been typing this blog. I was getting hungry so just had a protein bar. I was going to have Nutella on a flour tortilla but doesn’t look like that will be happening. I hope I can sleep tonight. My psych was astounded when I told her I had 5 shots of espresso. I can handle it, though I probably should have had four. I don’t think it will keep me up as much as the pain will. I am already experiencing sensory overload as noises have been bothering me. My mother is playing her dice game in the kitchen. I swear I’d like to toss them in the trash one day. Fucking hate the noise!! Nothing worse than hard plastic hitting glass. And she seems to be playing it whenever she is in the kitchen now, with the blasted TV at full volume. I just want to die and I know the night is only going to get worse between my psychache and physical pain.