Tag: psychotherapist

Writing Itch 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychache, psychosis

Writing Itch 2

I have been trying all sorts of things to get my mind of the writing itch, I even tried writing in my journal but nothing has scratch it so it calms down.

I am listening to the ball game because it usually calms me down, even though I get excited while listening. They have a new player on the team and I am excited to hear how he pans out.

I have been trying hard on what to write and I still got nothing so this might just be a rant of sorts or just a random thoughts put on a computer screen. Today I read about how my favorite actor, Wil Wheaton was having trouble finding work as an on-screen actor. He really misses being an actor. I miss seeing him on the screen. I wish they would give him a chance because I really think he is a good actor. But I guess as young actors age, they don’t find work so easily. He is busy writing, which has kept him busy. I guess it’s better than doing nothing. And I know how hard it is to write. But he is more creative than I am. I write every day but I don’t think it’s substantial. I have questioned whether what I write really helps people because I don’t get many likes like I used to and my comments are down.

I don’t know if people reading this right now have read my previous blog of the day. I am reading a chapter on the psychologist/psychiatrist Adler. He has a unique perspective of how to treat diagnosis by treating the whole person rather than the diagnosis. It’s kind of what my therapist has been doing, treating me as a person rather than a diagnosis. My psychiatrist also does the same thing. She has been the most liberal psych that I ever had, but the she has been the ONLY outpatient psychiatrist I ever had. I say liberal because she is not a drug pusher like some psychiatrists are. She rather you take less medication than more. That is why I was kind of shocked that when we restarted the Zoloft, I thought she wanted me on 50 mg and instead she wanted me on 100 mg. That is the only time that we kind of disagreed but I am glad I am on 100 mg because it is helping me cope better. It hasn’t really “cured” me of my depression, like most medications, but it does relief some of the symptoms.

I was reading an old notebook that had some journal entries about therapy way back in 2001. It talked about my therapy sessions and what was going on then. I found that despite the years, I am no better. Even though I was reading some blogs from last year, things are the same as far as being depressed and suicidal. I want to “fix” myself but have not been able to find the right treatment even though I have been in treatment. Medication and talk therapy only goes so far. I think that if I wasn’t in chronic pain all the time, I would most likely be better off. I guess you really have to be careful what you wish for because there were times before Cauda Equina Syndrome entered my life that I sometimes wish I was in physical pain than in emotional pain. I had no idea how debilitating physical pain could be. I thought it would be “easier” because there are medications for physical pain. But the daily pain that I have is so exhausting. Even with me trying to take a shower this afternoon was tiring and painful. I could barely stand for 10 minutes to shower. I had to sit for a little bit before I could shut the water off and dry myself. It was terrible. I don’t wish this on my worst enemies. I knew back then in 2000 that I had a bad back. I never should have gone to a chiropractor but I did because it was some relief. I should have stopped going when I was better but they just suck you in for more adjustments because it’s “better for your health”. Yea, right. I wouldn’t recommend them for shit now and especially if you have herniated discs in your back or neck. That is just causing trouble.

This month marks sixteen years that I have known my therapist. We met for the first time but unfortunately, I couldn’t see her right away because of insurance issues. I was so thankful that in January she was still accepting patients. I really don’t know what I would do without her. She has been my voice of reason at times, even though she can be a real pain in the ass as well. She has saved my life numerous times, by telling me she cares for me and sometimes she loves me. I know it’s a kind of love that two people have because I love her, too, though I don’t show it often. I was pretty much in love with her the day I met her. I remember a session where I finally admitted my feelings for her and the next day I saw her, she wore a mini skirt and her legs were and are gorgeous. She doesn’t wear skirts anymore, least not short ones since she is married but good god almighty, I could hardly speak that day. And I was totally like, you got to be kidding me. I got her a birthday present that I will give her at the end of the month when I see her again. Her birthday is this weekend. Got to love Google for helping me find these things about her.

There is a LOT of stuff that I have given her over the years. She must have a file cabinet just for my letters alone. I used to write to her all the time when we were seeing each other. That was when I had a car and she was local, not out in the boonies like she is today. I do miss seeing her but talking on the phone is fine. I think it’s better because I have more face to face contact with her when I see her than I did before. I still might look at the floor than talking with her but there is definitely more face contact. Before I would just spend the entire session looking at a chair or the floor or something on her rug. Anything but her face. It was too scary because I didn’t want the connection. Now that we have the connection, I can look at her without worry, though it still is scary at times.

I sent her the link to my blog again about Chronic pain and suicidality. I want her to read it before our next session because I think it’s important for her to know. She didn’t have time to read it on Monday or before today’s session. If she doesn’t read it, I feel like why bother sending her stuff. Same with the letters. That is why I don’t write them anymore because she doesn’t read them or it takes her a long time to get to them. I know she only has a few minutes between sessions but I just feel like she is missing out on my work if she doesn’t read what I send her. I rather her be late to session than her not reading my blog or letter. If I am putting effort into this thing, the least she can do is try to read it.

I counted my antipsychotic pills (trilafon) and found that I will run out before I see my psychiatrist again. I will have to email her to send another script sometime next week. I thought I wouldn’t run out but if I am taking 2 a day, I will run out. I need to take 2 to keep the paranoia and voices down. I find that it works best if I take it twice a day than once a day. I know my psych just wants me to take it once a day but it doesn’t cover me the whole day. I have tried to just take it at night because that is when the voices are at the worst. It just doesn’t seem to hold me and then a few hours later I will need another dose because I am still up battling the voices so I can sleep. I don’t want to bother her as she is on vacation. She did ask me if I was set on meds and I thought I would be okay with the trilafon but I miscalculated. 30 pills only gets you so far in two weeks. Some days I need 12 mg because the voices are so damn bad. I have been getting musical hallucinations lately that have been god awful. I hear a song over and over like it is playing but it’s not. And it plays the entire song over and over. I have tried listening to music to stop it from playing but it doesn’t help. Then there are a battle between what is in my head and what is actually playing on my MP3 player. It sucks. Least the lyrics haven’t changed so that is good. Sometimes the lyrics will tell me to do things, even if I have heard the same song a million times. It’s just odd. But it’s just part of the psychosis. And it’s worse at night than during the day. Everything is worse at night. My pain, physically and mentally, the voices, the songs, the paranoia, the delusions. Everything.

Timeline

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Timeline

According to my blogs in January 2016, my voices had become worse and so had my depression. Then my father had his treatments. The end of the month he was hospitalized for chest pain. A few days later after discharge, he was readmitted with a chest collapse brought about, presumably, due to pleural effusion or an air pocket burst.

I was supposed to start PT for my back but never did because of the evolving care of my father. My depression worsened the more involved I was with the man. The voices ultimately were controlling me, though I didn’t realize it at first. This was despite taking an adequate dose of abilify and taking it faithfully every night. The only exception to this was when my father was readmitted for the collapsed lung issue. I missed a few days because it was late and I didn’t feel like filling up my pill box. I was haphazardly taking my meds. A few here, a few there that first week in March.

March was a markedly collapse of my father’s health. He was admitted every two weeks for pleural effusions or because of fluid build up in his system. He had stopped eating or was barely eating and drinking, even with support from my sisters. He lost weight and subsequently would develop pneumonia that was his last illness before being transferred to a nursing home for further care.

My mental health deteriorated. In the middle of March, after losing up to 15 pounds, I decided to go back on Zoloft, even though I didn’t think it would do much. We started off slow as I didn’t want to get sick off it, though my psychiatrist wanted me on 100 mg. I was happy with half that. My father died the end of April. I was hospitalized the middle of May after everything was said and done. We decided to increase the Zoloft to 100 mg and it was a quick admission. I was there only six days and have not been back, against my better judgement.

June brought havoc for me with the Orlando shootings and I felt the pressing need to notify authorities that the gunman had an alien parasite in his brain that caused his actions. The voices were rampant at this point and I discussed the matter with my psychiatrist and therapist before making any phone calls. It was at this point I got very agitated at my therapist for not believing me about the alien parasites and decided I wasn’t going to take the abilify any more. The voices by then were commanding me to do things and I went along.

A couple weeks later, I was feeling really paranoid while at my psychiatrist’s office. I was really scared she was going to kill me despite her reassurances that she was not. This was around the end of June. That day was terrible. The paranoia had increased due to some social media post by a Twitter follower I was following for PTSD. She had posted something to do for ISIS which is always a trigger for me. It freaked me out and the paranoia increased tenfold. I emailed my psychiatrist to get some trilafon to calm down as the agitation was terrible. Then there were problems with the pharmacy filling it. I was fuming. I have been on this medication for a long time and these young pharmacists were telling me how it was interacting with my medication. I scoffed because my psychiatrist knew the medications I was taking and if there were interactions, my psych wouldn’t be prescribing me the medication. She talked to these young people and I was able to get my meds, finally. Though it really frazzled me.

Because the trilafon was working while I was “sneaking it” behind the voices back, I was coming to the realization just how much they were controlling me. The noise in my head became much quieter and I was able to fight back, albeit slowly. I still felt I needed to be in the hospital and was seriously contemplating when my mother, who has diabetes, took a hypoglycemic episode and I found her down. If I was in the hospital, I dread to think of the consequences. I realized then, the beginning of July, that I had to get control of the voices so started taking the trilafon more frequently than every other day or every two days.

Since my father’s death, I have been feeling numb and distant. Things got better and I was feeling my “normal” feelings of depression or joy or something. But since the voices got louder and more demanding, I have noticed that I been feeling flat and not feeling much of anything. I feel blunted, like I should be feeling something but I am not. My therapist is calling this “negative symptoms” of psychosis but it’s been ages since I looked at a psych book to remember what those were. I used to know psychosis very well way back when I was young student in college but have gradually lost what I learned as I moved away from my calling and haven’t been in school in years.

Even as I am writing this, I feel disconnected, like a lightbulb has been turned off and I can’t find the switch. It doesn’t concern me. I don’t know why it’s concerning my therapist so much. But then she is very protective of me. I just don’t see the concern. Not having emotion is kind of a relief. It’s better than feeling the deep dark lows that I had been feeling. It has affected my writing some what. But then, my writing has not recovered much since my father’s death three months ago. I still feel as distant as I did back then.

therapy and not sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy again today. She again brought up negative symptoms. She is afraid of her losing me, whatever that means. I told her I just feel nothing, like everything is blunt. I also feel flat. Her fear is that the longer this goes on, the more I am going to feel this way. I don’t get why this is of concern. Maybe I am missing something that she just isn’t explaining well enough.

We also talked about the possibility of seeing someone while she is away for a couple of weeks in August. She brought up the question of whether I would see someone DBT like as an adjunct therapist. I have no intention of seeing someone other than my therapist and my psychiatrist. I don’t think I will see someone while she is away. I probably will just write letters like I usually do when she is gone. It’s going to be a long two weeks. I need to find out if my psychiatrist will be away the same time. That will suck but it is a possibility. I will find out Monday when I see my psych.

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up like every couple of hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything. I just slept for two hours here, three there and then woke up thinking it was time to wake up, but it wasn’t. I did finally get to sleep after the fourth time I was up. I slept for about five hours before my phone went off. Someone was calling me but I think it was the wrong number because they didn’t leave a message. And my mother called at her normal time to see if I was going out today. I don’t plan on it. I am just too tired. I am having coffee to try and wake up but it’s not doing much for me.

I might go to the grocery store to get some cream. I am almost out. I just don’t know if I am have the energy to do it. It’s much cooler today than it has been. I finally have the AC off as it’s really cold in my room. I like the cold but not freezing cold.

I need to call the PT place to set up an appointment. I do but don’t want to go to therapy. It’s down the street from me so it’s not like I will be going far. It’s just my fear that it’s going to cause more pain than what I am already in. And there is no guarantee that it’s really going to help me. I think docs like to send you when they don’t know what else to do for you.

Looks like today I am just going to sleep. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don’t have anything that I really need to do today. I might get a Zipcar next week and see my therapist. All depends on if I get my funds.

feeling wicked down and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling wicked down and depressed

I woke up early because I had to pee but I couldn’t get out of bed so went back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I really had to run to the bathroom. My bladder was overfilled. I brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. That was all I needed to do to get my ankle going. It hurts so bad right now and it got me depressed. I have to out today. I took some pain meds but I still am not sleepy and the pain has, thankfully, lessened a bit. Sometimes the meds are enough to knock me back out and sometimes it doesn’t.

My mood is terrible right now. I really just don’t want to be. If I had the means to really carry out my thoughts, I would so go through with them right now. I feel so lowly. All I can think about is death. I keep wondering what it would be like laying in a casket.

I have therapy today and then I have to go out to my appointment with the NP for my pain meds. I really don’t want to go out. It’s already muggy. I put the AC on to cool down my room. I’m not going to shower because I know I will be sweating when I go out. I will shower when I come back home.

I hate being in this irritable mood. I woke up kind of okay but the pain caused my mood to dip very low. Now all I can think about is death. I am so tired of feeling this way. I never feel “better”. I always feel gloomy and sad. The voices are always there reminding that I am a piece of shit.

I got three hours before my therapy appointment. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I don’t wake up.