Tag: suicidality

overslept and out of breath

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Overslept and out of breath

I overslept for my PT appointment today. I couldn’t get up 8 like I wanted to I had woken up around 6 to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I should have stayed up. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and when I came back up the street, I was out of breath. I was also sweating a lot. I feel like walking up the street was my cardio workout for the day.

I had therapy yesterday and it was annoying. Therapist wants me join a chronic pain support group. I am supposed to text her when I do. I looked up the number yesterday but it wasn’t there so had to email the partial program guy to get the number. He has responded; I just got to call now. I hate talking on the phone with people. I rather email them. I hope the group meets via zoom rather than in person.

Therapist and I only had a half hour session because she messed up her schedule. That was fine by me. I got her patronizing lecture of how she is the clinician and basically knows what is best for me. I feel like canceling Monday’s appointment. She probably will talk me out of it though. I don’t know. I hate canceling with therapists. Sometimes it is just easier to show up than cancel. I just hate when they ask why and you don’t have a “good” reason.

Back has been acting up since walking back home from the pharmacy. I took a Zanaflex which I hate doing because it makes me sleepy. I am not doing anything tonight so I don’t mind if I am sleepy. I have been lax in taking it during the day. Neck and arm/shoulder has been okay today. I haven’t been so sore like I was the last time I was dry needled. I had five appointments this week so I was spent which is probably why I overslept. It takes so much mental energy to go to these appointments even though they are virtual, well except my PT. PT is in person. But even that is mental energy to get dressed and taking the bus to show up.

I tried canceling my therapy appointment for Mon and it failed. She basically said given the severity of my depression and suicidality she didn’t think it was a good idea to not meet, at least to just check in. So I will be seeing her. I hate her. She is always calling me out on my depression. I just need a fricken break. I don’t get what is so hard about this.

I was able to sleep for a little bit but my leg kept jerking so I couldn’t go into a deep sleep. I took some meds to try and make me relaxed. My neck is tight so I could use the ease of the meds right now. I am not in pain right now, which I guess is good. Back is still cramping so I don’t know what to do about that. I am ready to take some more magnesium. It seems that is the only thing that quiets down my back. And it has no side effects so I am for it.

dry needling session two

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dry needling session two

I had PT today and had some more dry needling. She just did my deltoid area. My arm is sore and I need to put some heat on it. I will later. I did some work on a machine to warm up my shoulder before the needling. She also worked on my neck which is wicked tight. It felt so much better afterwards. I wanted to ask her if I could take her home but felt that was inappropriate.

I have been having a tough day. I didn’t want to leave the house but I did anyway for PT and now I am in a flare. I feel really depressed and exhausted about this. I know part of the reason is that I am just so damn tired of being in pain all the time. I am also exasperated about being in pain. I just can’t stand it anymore and even though I am trying really hard not to think of ending things, I can’t help it.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow for a check in. She wants me to be honest with her. This really annoys me because I am honest with her. I don’t bullshit. I am going to tell her how bad I am feeling and that I want to act on my thoughts. Not sure how she will respond to this. But I need to let her know what is on my mind.

This weekend marks the 28th anniversary of knowing my psych. She still is the best at what she does. I can talk to her anytime. She is always there for me even though we aren’t working together anymore. I miss her so much.

I am so fricken exhausted. I slept for a little bit and then woke up around midnight so I thought of finishing this blog. I am still hurting with my ankle. I just took some more breakthrough meds. I’ll probably be up half the night now. I’m kind of hungry so maybe I will have something to eat and that will settle me down for a sleep. I just bought some honey nut Chex and really like it even though it is kind of too sweet. I really like the corn one. That one is my favorite of them all.

My hamstring seems to bother me when my ankle is acting up. I never noticed before because the ankle pain was so overwhelming but now I am noticing it more. I have tried stretching the hammy but does no good. I honestly don’t find stretching to be helpful for anything. There was a baseball player that refused to stretch as he said that a tiger doesn’t stretch before they pounce on their prey, or something like that. I took it to heart.

dry needling day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dry needling day

I was nervous about the dry needling that I was having today but it worked out good. I am sore and it did hurt but nothing compared to the pain I was in. I feel so much better and can move my arm better than I have been. I got heat on it now and am drinking a lot of water to flush out the toxins from the release. I love my PT. She is so good at what she does. I took a BT med before therapy to deal with the pain. I am glad I did because I am not hurting as much as I think I would be if I didn’t. The heat on it is so relaxing.

I started listening to Linkin Park on the way home from PT. I am still listening as I write. I miss listening to their music. Sucks that no new music will come from them because of Chester’s death. Their last album was so meaningful. I think it speaks to suicide prevention.

Working on check the facts, I should die. Coming up with I don’t want to live. Other people want me to live so I go on for them. I have a very ingrained death wish and I am not sure this can change. I’ve been wanting to die since I was eight years old. Suicide has been on my mind for such a long time. I don’t think I can ever not think of it when things are rough. It’s been more than a year since I last attempted. I have the means to try again but I am scared that I will fail. I fear that what I have is not going to be enough to kill me. So I just imagine going through with it and sleeping into oblivion.

My jaw is hurting me today for some reason. It hurts to open my mouth. I know I am clenching my teeth as my teeth are sore. I really need to see the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. It has been more than a year since I last went. I just don’t know if it is safe to do so now. I know I need to have my wisdom teeth extracted and a root canal on one of my top teeth. I am not looking forward to either procedure.

I bought BelVita breakfast biscuits because I like them a lot. My sister is telling me not to have too much of them because it messes up your digestive tract. My tract is already messed up so if it gives me the shits, all the better. I had to take Miralax today because I haven’t gone in a few days. Besides, if it was going to mess me up, I think it would have done so by now as I have been eating them nearly every day for the past two weeks. I think my sister is just full of it.

I need to shower and trim my beard. I might do this later today. My foot and ankle are not really on speaking terms with me today but I can still get around. Just hope I don’t pay for it later.

failure so I don’t try

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sad that I am in a lot of pain and in a depressed mood same time as last year when I tried to take my life. I am so suicidal but so fearful of being another failure I don’t try. I have been in pain since 0330 this morning when I woke up with shoulder pain. I stayed up for an hour trying to get it to calm down. I can’t remember if I took a BT med or not. I was in agony.

I have been in a lousy mood all day. My friend pissed me off this morning over a misunderstanding. I am so upset with her that I can’t bring myself to talk to her. Then I had partial hospital which was basically just attending groups. I was uncomfortable throughout as my shoulder was still hurting me causing my neck to feel out of sorts. My hamstring in my left leg was hurting me as well. I just felt like the left side of me was just not going to be happy today. My ankle was bothering me but not as bad as the shoulder pain. I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I had group. By the second group, I had enough. I forced myself to a third group and was in agony and full of piss and vinegar throughout the meeting. I just wanted to lay down. I was bored and the group didn’t hold my interest. I am finding it hard to participate in them. I often have nothing to contribute or to add. I don’t relate to anything being said.

After the third group I texted my therapist that I was in a bad mood and we texted for a bit. She didn’t want me to have therapy if I was going to be angry. I thought things over a bit using DBT and realized I was more hurt (physically and emotionally) than angry. That helped diffuse my anger somewhat. I went to therapy and we talked. I told her in two days will be my anniversary of when I last attempted to take my life. I told her of the day and it was similar to what I am feeling today with being in so much pain. I am so depressed but I don’t feel the pressure of suicidality that I did last year. I do have the pills to do the job if I choose to go through with it. But I fear I will be a failure so I don’t try.

I didn’t nap today though I tried. I was just in too much pain and anguish. I was really upset that I was misgendered. Even my therapist misgendered me by accident. She was really sorry she did as it was a typo. The sentence didn’t make sense so I knew it was an error but it still stung just the same. Yesterday my mother called me a girl and it hurt so bad. Then she fell which got me worried so I couldn’t be “angry” at her so much. I hate that caring for her sometimes over takes the feelings I have for her, especially when they are negative. It drives me crazy.