Tag: suicide ideation

Saturday Blog 27022021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 27022021

I had breakfast and now I am thinking of doing something for lunch. I don’t know what I want. I should make a bacon sandwich. I bought some turkey bacon that needs to be used up. I just don’t know if I am up to cooking as my legs hurt today. It is snowing so I don’t plan on going out. It’s turned to rain now but still raw so hasn’t changed my decision to leave the house. I ordered Chipotle for lunch and man it was so salty. I couldn’t eat it all.

I am so tired. I want to sleep. I might get a nap after I finish this blog. It will be my reward for writing one. I’m trying to get back to daily writing but all I can do is take one day at a time. I think I am going to have to push myself to write something every day even if I don’t get to 500 words, which is my minimum goal that I have.

I asked my friends on Facebook if they would read my blog if I posted it and so far a few said they would. Just trying to have some accountability with keeping this blog going. Been nine years almost that I have had this blog. That is a long time.

I have been having pain down my leg the past few days. It flares up my ankle. I think the CRPS is spreading to my high ankle area as I have been having a lot of pain there lately. It also has been swollen. My left hamstring has been such a bother lately and really painful. No amount of stretches help it. I also got fricken cramps and this really bothers me as I don’t know if it is uterine or bladder.

I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help my dry hair. I hope to take a shower tomorrow so I can wash my hair with it. I love the smell of it. My nephew bought it and I just refilled it basically. Anything that makes a shower more appealing I am for. It is so hard for me to shower lately because of pain. I wanted to shave my beard off tonight but it didn’t happen. I want to be clean shaven for a little while. I just can’t bring myself to do it though because I have been in a lot of pain.

I have been in a depressed mood and been thinking of some medication that will sedate me. I am just afraid that if I take it, my therapist will hospitalize me. I am no longer on this medication and I have it just to kill myself with it. I have been planning on ending it with this medication for some time but I just can’t seem to go through with it. I am too afraid that it will fail or I will be found before I die. The medication might help with sleep as I have been having so much trouble staying asleep lately but I keep waking up with pain so I don’t know if it will work. So many variables.

trauma and recovery and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trauma and recovery

From Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman

I have been reading the book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman and it has been helpful to see where my trauma has hindered so much of my life. Last night I was reading a chapter about how the client should feel empowered through therapy and only then can they heal. I feel that I am being hindered in my therapy with my therapist because she has her own ideas of what is helpful that doesn’t include my input. I am finding it very difficult to stay connected to her because I am being stifled so to speak. I often don’t feel validated in therapy. I feel like she only gives it as a last resort to things that I say. I am going to ask her tomorrow why she has trouble validating what I am going through. I often feel that she is listening to me and then her saying “ok” doesn’t validate my experience. Just means that she heard what I said. I really don’t want to have to go find another therapist but she is pushing me too much. The last session I had with her she said the depression is making me not want to bother and I need to bother, in regards to calling a chronic pain support group. It made me feel bad because she doesn’t get how severely limiting my depression can be in reaching out for new support. I can’t just put the “bother” aside and do things. That isn’t how things work.

I know I gripe about therapy a lot on my blog but it is how I process what goes on and how I am feeling. Things that happen in therapy stay with me and I go over it to try and deal with it. I have a lot of trauma to sort through and it is still affecting my ability to deal with stuff. My depression is severe and I often think about ending my life. I have been in therapy for nearly thirty years. I think the only thing it has done is keep me alive. I have been hospitalized more times than I can count. I have learned things but sometimes those things don’t come up when I am in a crisis or feeling really bad. This is why I don’t find DBT helpful because when you are in the heat of the moment you aren’t going to reach for a piece of paper or manual for help.

I get so frustrated in therapy because I feel like I am not heard. Right now the therapist is of the opinion that she is the expert and that I should listen to her. I honestly don’t like this. I feel like this is patriarchy. It burns me to no end when I think of what she said when I was at my most vulnerable. I don’t know how to bring this up. Even as I was trying to cancel session she was of the opinion it wasn’t a good idea. That maybe so but don’t I have a right to cancel when I feel like it? She said we should at least check in because of the level of my depression is so severe. So I agreed on that point. I will have a check in with her tomorrow. I don’t know if I will talk about her idea that her being my clinician is best for me. The paternalization needs to stop.

dry needling session two

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dry needling session two

I had PT today and had some more dry needling. She just did my deltoid area. My arm is sore and I need to put some heat on it. I will later. I did some work on a machine to warm up my shoulder before the needling. She also worked on my neck which is wicked tight. It felt so much better afterwards. I wanted to ask her if I could take her home but felt that was inappropriate.

I have been having a tough day. I didn’t want to leave the house but I did anyway for PT and now I am in a flare. I feel really depressed and exhausted about this. I know part of the reason is that I am just so damn tired of being in pain all the time. I am also exasperated about being in pain. I just can’t stand it anymore and even though I am trying really hard not to think of ending things, I can’t help it.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow for a check in. She wants me to be honest with her. This really annoys me because I am honest with her. I don’t bullshit. I am going to tell her how bad I am feeling and that I want to act on my thoughts. Not sure how she will respond to this. But I need to let her know what is on my mind.

This weekend marks the 28th anniversary of knowing my psych. She still is the best at what she does. I can talk to her anytime. She is always there for me even though we aren’t working together anymore. I miss her so much.

I am so fricken exhausted. I slept for a little bit and then woke up around midnight so I thought of finishing this blog. I am still hurting with my ankle. I just took some more breakthrough meds. I’ll probably be up half the night now. I’m kind of hungry so maybe I will have something to eat and that will settle me down for a sleep. I just bought some honey nut Chex and really like it even though it is kind of too sweet. I really like the corn one. That one is my favorite of them all.

My hamstring seems to bother me when my ankle is acting up. I never noticed before because the ankle pain was so overwhelming but now I am noticing it more. I have tried stretching the hammy but does no good. I honestly don’t find stretching to be helpful for anything. There was a baseball player that refused to stretch as he said that a tiger doesn’t stretch before they pounce on their prey, or something like that. I took it to heart.

failure so I don’t try

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sad that I am in a lot of pain and in a depressed mood same time as last year when I tried to take my life. I am so suicidal but so fearful of being another failure I don’t try. I have been in pain since 0330 this morning when I woke up with shoulder pain. I stayed up for an hour trying to get it to calm down. I can’t remember if I took a BT med or not. I was in agony.

I have been in a lousy mood all day. My friend pissed me off this morning over a misunderstanding. I am so upset with her that I can’t bring myself to talk to her. Then I had partial hospital which was basically just attending groups. I was uncomfortable throughout as my shoulder was still hurting me causing my neck to feel out of sorts. My hamstring in my left leg was hurting me as well. I just felt like the left side of me was just not going to be happy today. My ankle was bothering me but not as bad as the shoulder pain. I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I had group. By the second group, I had enough. I forced myself to a third group and was in agony and full of piss and vinegar throughout the meeting. I just wanted to lay down. I was bored and the group didn’t hold my interest. I am finding it hard to participate in them. I often have nothing to contribute or to add. I don’t relate to anything being said.

After the third group I texted my therapist that I was in a bad mood and we texted for a bit. She didn’t want me to have therapy if I was going to be angry. I thought things over a bit using DBT and realized I was more hurt (physically and emotionally) than angry. That helped diffuse my anger somewhat. I went to therapy and we talked. I told her in two days will be my anniversary of when I last attempted to take my life. I told her of the day and it was similar to what I am feeling today with being in so much pain. I am so depressed but I don’t feel the pressure of suicidality that I did last year. I do have the pills to do the job if I choose to go through with it. But I fear I will be a failure so I don’t try.

I didn’t nap today though I tried. I was just in too much pain and anguish. I was really upset that I was misgendered. Even my therapist misgendered me by accident. She was really sorry she did as it was a typo. The sentence didn’t make sense so I knew it was an error but it still stung just the same. Yesterday my mother called me a girl and it hurt so bad. Then she fell which got me worried so I couldn’t be “angry” at her so much. I hate that caring for her sometimes over takes the feelings I have for her, especially when they are negative. It drives me crazy.