Tag: transgender issues

Trans joy is real

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mental illness, PTSD, suicide attempt, transgender

TW suicide

I am experiencing trans joy!! Much better than euphoria. I am finally me. I attended a transgender conference about gender affirming care and I resonated with the speaker. As I walked I kept looking down at my chest and wondered where my boobs were. Top surgery has been so wonderful for me. I realized I am no longer a bearded lady but a true man. As sad as I am about my mother’s death, I know it was a blessing as she was so against top surgery and I know I would not be able to handle her negative comments. I am finally happy with who I am. I may not have a perfect chest but I think the surgery went well. Last year at this time I was recovering from a suicide attempt due to dysphoria. Amazing how things can change in a year. Trans joy is real.

I vaguely remember how confused and psychotic I was. I was admitted for 30 days to a hospital on the north shore. About 2 and half weeks into the stay, I found out my surgery was postponed and I was bullshit. I wanted to die and I know if I wasn’t in the hospital, I would have tried again. As the social worker told me, this was life- saving surgery. It was so hard to believe this when my mother was dying. Too much was happening after my surgery. My mother never saw me once the bandages were off. It is just as well as the night they came off, my scar became open and I bled. I had to pack the wound for weeks. The scar isn’t pretty but I am hoping it will fade with time. I know my mother would bitch about it with her sarcastic comments that would hurt me. I am glad she isn’t around to hurt me anymore. She didn’t like me being trans and she didn’t like me getting top surgery. But I had to be me and have this surgery that was so important to my mental health.

Today was the first time I was looking for my boobs and was happy that they weren’t there anymore. I felt more confident in myself. I didn’t really meet anyone at the conference. I was way older than even the speaker of the gender affirming care presentation. I’m lucky my genes have me still look like I’m in my 20s. I’m happy I got up early for this. I was nervous because I am not a morning person and I woke up at like 330. Luckily I fell back asleep without a serious hangover effect. Otherwise I would be kicking myself for missing today’s events.

It was really hard to feel euphoria after my mother’s death. The sadness I had felt for months continued for several more months. She has been gone for six months and I am post op 6 months. It’s a happy and sad predicament. Grief is something I don’t always control. It comes in waves. Not only am I grieving my mother, but the self that was dysphoric for so long. The teenage me who didn’t understand why I had breasts in the first place. It’s a lot to process. It is especially hard with depression that has been bad all week. I never thought I would feel joy until today. I know it may not last long but I have the scars on my chest to remind me of it.

shit show of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shit show of a day

So this morning as I was making coffee, I answered my mother’s phone. She was having some nursing come and her doctor’s nurse wanted to talk to her. Both women misgendered me and deadnamed me. One of the women couldn’t understand why I was going by G instead of my birth name and why I was a son and not a daughter as I was conflicting with her paperwork. I don’t understand why they couldn’t be gender affirmed in their care.

I shrugged it off as there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to tell my mother that I am her son and to refer me as it on her doctor’s records. I went to group and each one went ok. I had to miss the first one because I didn’t get an email in time telling me where the group was. For some reason I am not getting the email when they send it out. It worked out okay because the last group on the day was on gender. I was bored during some of the groups but it was ok.

My sister gave me the presents from my mother, including my birthday card that said “daughter”. I flipped out. I was so damn fucking hurt. And with the stuff that happened in the morning it really didn’t make me feel good. I texted my therapist, who is on vacation, and she flipped out and knew I was hurting. She asked who else I could reach out to. I had already sent a few messages out to friends that would talk to me. I put on some Bon Jovi to just listen to music. I wanted to listen to something that wouldn’t stir anything up.

I felt bad that I bothered my therapist. I wasn’t looking for support as I knew I wasn’t going to get it, with her being on vacation. I ordered a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles. I got the burger with ketchup. It even said on the paper mustard. Someone can’t read. I ate it anyway. I wasn’t going to let a burger go to waste.

My mother is doing ok. She is still weak. I am not too happy with her right now but there is nothing I can do about it right now. I have to somehow get over this, that she cannot accept me for me. But it hurts so much. I tried crying tonight about it but the tears wouldn’t come. I don’t know why when I felt tearful. I think the citalopram is the reason I can’t cry. It really sucks. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with it.

Trans issues 27.7.19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, transgender

I can’t wait for top surgery. Things on chest are giving me such a hard time. I feel so ugly and humiliated. This isn’t me when I see them.

Kind of worried with the CRPS on left side. That is the side my left ankle is affected. The way they described how they cut the nerve to the nipple makes me nervous. I could lose feeling but that isn’t a major concern for me. I just want the fucking things off!! The right one might be more of a problem as it is bigger. Swear I have an orange on left and a small watermelon on right. And fuckers are heavy. But it might be that I just hate them so damn much. Worst part is they have become hairy which really bothers me. Becoming a man is so hard. Makes you feel really fucked because you aren’t congruent with how you feel.

The major thing is getting these things off. I would tomorrow if I could but I am being “selfish” waiting for the damn construction of the house to start and finish. I thought it would at least be started but it hasn’t. I haven’t asked my sister for fear of another argument. Been doing small stuff in my room as it is all I can handle.

Yesterday just putting groceries away flared my back up. It really scared me as I couldn’t touch my back without it hurting. I haven’t had that bad of pain since getting cauda equina syndrome x2. I have no red flag symptoms but I didn’t last time. I lost function of my bladder today. Things with it have been messed up since the middle of May. I moved to sit up and reached for my laptop which wasn’t too far from my grasp when urine squirted out. Luckily it wasn’t too much, but freaked me out. That was how I got CES (cauda equina syndrome) the second time. I had severe back pain and then started leaking more than I usually do. The disc was a different level than the first. And according to the surgeon it was huge. He had no idea how I was still walking. Been having intrusive memories most of the night and right now as I am describing it. I’ve never really talked about how I felt about it. I knew what I had and just focused on getting better, making sure I didn’t do what I did the first time, which was basically not having a clue what to do or who to see. I didn’t go to Spaulding, which is a huge rehab hospital because I’ve dealt with their lab and just thought all the people there didn’t know what they were doing. I was wrong and I am glad I was as i got a terrific PT now for my CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome) stuff.

I hope doing all the things I’ve been doing doesn’t cause me to blow a disc that is already herniated. I have herniated discs from levels L2-S1, worse at L5-S1 and again at L2-3 where I had CES x2. My first diagnosis was at level L4-L5. I fear if I have surgery again, I might need a fusion and I’ve heard bad stories about them. No one I know has found relief from them. And the stuff I read was fusions were only to be done on the neck, not the lower vertebrae. That is why I never want to have it done. I’d rather be in pain, but if other stuff is going on like loss of bowel/bladder, weakness in lower extremity, numbness from anywhere waist down (including saddle area and sex organs), then I will consider it. But only if I have a capable surgeon one who has done them a lot of times and have had success with them. I don’t want a neurosurgeon who only does the brain or pituitary gland. The whole thing scares me.

When I was able to see my therapist again (the 16yr one), she kept on telling me I went through a trauma. I stay away from that fucking word so much. I denied it tooth and nail until I started having PTSD symptoms. To this day I cannot go near the 3rd floor of the hospital where I worked. That is where the operating rooms were. I always wanted to see them but not as a patient!

I sent my psych an email about the top surgery and how I felt about it. She will sign me off on it but I really want to have a discussion with her before she does, just to make sure I am ready and she knows I am ready. It is a huge deal and I’ve gone back and forth with it in my mind. From i am attached and what will it mean to not have them there to seeing a man’s chest and saying I want that. I want to be flat and not have these things. I tell you, when they started developing, it threw me for a fucking loop. I thought getting my menses was bad. Nope. Having things grow was not what I wanted. Then to have a mother molest you because of “concern” more than once because one was bigger than the other and sending me to see a cosmetic surgeon when I was 13, fucked with me so fucking bad. I was so embarrassed this male doctor was talking to my mother about it but it would be when I was older. I nearly wanted to fucking die on the spot. I didn’t want them to be the same, I wanted them fucking gone!! I had already started hating my mother since I was 10. This just added to it more. Makes me feel so ashamed I have them and aside from cutting them off, there is nothing else I can do. Makes me feel really depressed, like I am in this pit I can never get out of.

But none of this matters if my CRPS pain isn’t controlled better. I have a date planned to end it. I am trying so hard not to think about it as I want to see my psych again. At the same time, while the cat’s away, the mice will play keeps running through my mind.

Transition day 42

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, transgender

This is really day 43 but close enough.

I noticed I have lapsed on my weekly writing. Sorry about that. Not much changes. I have some voice changes, sideburns are thicker. Mustache is darker. Facial changes still coming. I am losing my feminine looks. I just need to lose 40 pounds. No idea how to do that. I like my take out, pizza, and burgers with fries. It will be hard to give those up. I also love bread and pasta, though with the low sodium levels, I really haven’t eaten yet have gained weight. I am thinking it must be muscle mass increase as my legs have been sore and lately so have my arms and upper body. I would love to go to a gym and build muscle but no clue how. I think I can do it at home, starting slow like lifting tomato cans and the like. My PT had told me about that. Better than buying weights.

I am excited about the voice changes but it is leaving me with a sore and irritated throat some days. I bought some cough drops to help. My sister gave me some sugar free ones. I like them because I don’t get a sugary feel on my teeth once it dissolves. Unfortunately the kind I bought has sugar in them. The store was out of the sugar free kind, probably because I was looking for them.

I was shaving my little stubble and got my first nic. I bought some nic sticks so i could stop the bleeding. Damn thing bled so bad i had to put a bandage on. I didn’t care as it was night time and I didn’t have to go out.

Other than thicker sideburns, I haven’t noticed elsewhere of hair growth or thickening. No more facial hair other than my moustache. I had shaved it off and man, I didn’t think it was going to grow back!

I still don’t have a lot of energy but think that is because of the blood levels of sodium being low. Sucks being tired all the time, well, more so than I usually am.

I got my flu shot last week. She did a good job. I didn’t even feel it. I was kind of sore but only if I touched it. Thank god I haven’t felt sick like I have in the past. I have been real careful to wash my hands when I come home when I go out. I really don’t want to catch anything. My friend in Texas got a nasty bug. High fevers and shit. She is feeling better now that she got some meds. I care for her a lot. She is a good support for me during my down moods. I haven’t really been in a down mood in a while. I did have some suicidal thoughts when I was in a nasty flare last weekend but it passed. I still am dealing with pain but nothing more than usual, probably because I am resting/sleeping more than usual. I made a recipe Saturday and was completely wiped out afterwards. I slept for 4.5 hours! So unlike me!

Well I guess that is all. Hopefully there are more changes in the next week or so. I had the shot yesterday so fingers crossed for more changes. Until next time…be kind