Tag: disability

Starting the day off in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Starting the day off in pain

I woke up late this morning due to pain in my ankle. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up in pain. I took my pain meds and was debating on going back to sleep but decided to make coffee. It was really good and took away the drowsiness of the pain meds away. I felt energetic so I took on a task that I have neglected all weekend: cleaning the stairs. I was doing fairly well until the last four or five steps. My back decided I had enough but I wasn’t done yet. I had to rest before I finished the stairs. Then I swept the area around the stairs as they haven’t been swept in a while. I then vacuumed up the dust and stuff rather than trying to get it in a dustpan. I was done for the day. My back thanked me kindly and I went back up to my room to rest.

I have been reading Twitter. Nothing interesting is going on. I called my therapist as I wanted to talk to her but she is booked. I told her to call me if she got a chance. I just feel like I need to talk to someone because I am losing my mind with pain and the thoughts of suicide are hanging around more than going away. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about ending my life because I can’t stand not being able to do things without pain. Even taking a shower hurts me.

I printed off the disability pass document because I have to renew it. I will drop it off to my PCP’s office on Friday when I have my appointment. Friday is going to be a long day for me because I see the NP in the morning and then I have PT in the afternoon for my Achilles problem. If it causes me more pain than what I am already in, I won’t go through with the sessions. I just can’t bear more pain.

I was going to read Adler today but I am just not up to reading and concentrating. I might read the mindless book about fieldstones. This guy talks about stones a lot in this book. Basically a stone is a note that you write when you have an idea for a book or the book you are writing. Why he just doesn’t say “notes’, I have no clue. It’s getting wicked redundant but it’s mindless reading so I don’t mind it. I might read some Dostoevsky later tonight. The Sox are off tonight so I have plenty of time to read. I just wish I had some motivation to read Adler. I am sure I could finish the chapter today if I did.

My psychiatrist is still on vacation. She won’t be back until next week. It will be good to see her. I will need a refill on my trilafon by then. I hope she changes the order to taking it twice a day as it seems to be working better for me than taking it once a day. I can reach her via email if I need to. If my therapist doesn’t call me today, I will email my psych. I haven’t emailed her since last week when I was in a rut and agonizing over what to do because I was in pain and suicidal. I really wanted her input as the voices were out of control and so was my pain. It was like a double whammy of things going on at once. But me getting all worked up because of pain anxiety got the voices going too. It just is a bad situation. And to make things worse, my therapist is on vacation the next two weeks starting next week. For the first time in 16 years, I am having anxiety over her going on vacation. It’s like my routine is being taken away from me for two weeks and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I do have PT while she is gone so I have some structure but it’s not the same.

It’s another humid day so I am staying in my AC’d room. I don’t really have to go out today, though I still want to get some burgers and hot dogs so my rolls don’t go bad. I wish the meat market sold the hot dogs I like but they don’t. So I need to go to two different places to get these items. I wouldn’t dare go out given that my back and ankle have been screaming at me the last couple of hours. Maybe tomorrow I will go, if I am not in too much pain.

Kind of in a rut

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Kind of in a rut

I have been in serious pain the last two day and it has been affecting my mood. I feel hopeless that this onslaught will continue and that I won’t get any relief. I just took both my strong pain meds and regular pain meds because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I figure maybe both can knock out this cycle that I am in and give me some relief.

I have been thinking about ending my life again, because of this pain. I feel trapped by it and no one wants to help me with it. But then, there is nothing that hasn’t been done. I have tried PT, ultrasound therapy, shots, immobilization, etc. and nothing has helped. I haven’t really done anything the last few days and it flared up on me. All I have been doing is sleeping! How is that hurting myself??!!

Soon as the weather cools down some, I think I will end my life. I am tired of going on like this. I am still not sure if I can walk to my destination, but isn’t that what cabs are for? I just hope he/she knows where they are going. Of course, my biggest fear is being found as I will be in a public place. It is mostly deserted though, so I think I will be okay. I just hope that I have enough meds to do the deed. I am 1 mg short of a full lethal dose. I hope it won’t matter.

Writing Itch 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychache, psychosis

Writing Itch 2

I have been trying all sorts of things to get my mind of the writing itch, I even tried writing in my journal but nothing has scratch it so it calms down.

I am listening to the ball game because it usually calms me down, even though I get excited while listening. They have a new player on the team and I am excited to hear how he pans out.

I have been trying hard on what to write and I still got nothing so this might just be a rant of sorts or just a random thoughts put on a computer screen. Today I read about how my favorite actor, Wil Wheaton was having trouble finding work as an on-screen actor. He really misses being an actor. I miss seeing him on the screen. I wish they would give him a chance because I really think he is a good actor. But I guess as young actors age, they don’t find work so easily. He is busy writing, which has kept him busy. I guess it’s better than doing nothing. And I know how hard it is to write. But he is more creative than I am. I write every day but I don’t think it’s substantial. I have questioned whether what I write really helps people because I don’t get many likes like I used to and my comments are down.

I don’t know if people reading this right now have read my previous blog of the day. I am reading a chapter on the psychologist/psychiatrist Adler. He has a unique perspective of how to treat diagnosis by treating the whole person rather than the diagnosis. It’s kind of what my therapist has been doing, treating me as a person rather than a diagnosis. My psychiatrist also does the same thing. She has been the most liberal psych that I ever had, but the she has been the ONLY outpatient psychiatrist I ever had. I say liberal because she is not a drug pusher like some psychiatrists are. She rather you take less medication than more. That is why I was kind of shocked that when we restarted the Zoloft, I thought she wanted me on 50 mg and instead she wanted me on 100 mg. That is the only time that we kind of disagreed but I am glad I am on 100 mg because it is helping me cope better. It hasn’t really “cured” me of my depression, like most medications, but it does relief some of the symptoms.

I was reading an old notebook that had some journal entries about therapy way back in 2001. It talked about my therapy sessions and what was going on then. I found that despite the years, I am no better. Even though I was reading some blogs from last year, things are the same as far as being depressed and suicidal. I want to “fix” myself but have not been able to find the right treatment even though I have been in treatment. Medication and talk therapy only goes so far. I think that if I wasn’t in chronic pain all the time, I would most likely be better off. I guess you really have to be careful what you wish for because there were times before Cauda Equina Syndrome entered my life that I sometimes wish I was in physical pain than in emotional pain. I had no idea how debilitating physical pain could be. I thought it would be “easier” because there are medications for physical pain. But the daily pain that I have is so exhausting. Even with me trying to take a shower this afternoon was tiring and painful. I could barely stand for 10 minutes to shower. I had to sit for a little bit before I could shut the water off and dry myself. It was terrible. I don’t wish this on my worst enemies. I knew back then in 2000 that I had a bad back. I never should have gone to a chiropractor but I did because it was some relief. I should have stopped going when I was better but they just suck you in for more adjustments because it’s “better for your health”. Yea, right. I wouldn’t recommend them for shit now and especially if you have herniated discs in your back or neck. That is just causing trouble.

This month marks sixteen years that I have known my therapist. We met for the first time but unfortunately, I couldn’t see her right away because of insurance issues. I was so thankful that in January she was still accepting patients. I really don’t know what I would do without her. She has been my voice of reason at times, even though she can be a real pain in the ass as well. She has saved my life numerous times, by telling me she cares for me and sometimes she loves me. I know it’s a kind of love that two people have because I love her, too, though I don’t show it often. I was pretty much in love with her the day I met her. I remember a session where I finally admitted my feelings for her and the next day I saw her, she wore a mini skirt and her legs were and are gorgeous. She doesn’t wear skirts anymore, least not short ones since she is married but good god almighty, I could hardly speak that day. And I was totally like, you got to be kidding me. I got her a birthday present that I will give her at the end of the month when I see her again. Her birthday is this weekend. Got to love Google for helping me find these things about her.

There is a LOT of stuff that I have given her over the years. She must have a file cabinet just for my letters alone. I used to write to her all the time when we were seeing each other. That was when I had a car and she was local, not out in the boonies like she is today. I do miss seeing her but talking on the phone is fine. I think it’s better because I have more face to face contact with her when I see her than I did before. I still might look at the floor than talking with her but there is definitely more face contact. Before I would just spend the entire session looking at a chair or the floor or something on her rug. Anything but her face. It was too scary because I didn’t want the connection. Now that we have the connection, I can look at her without worry, though it still is scary at times.

I sent her the link to my blog again about Chronic pain and suicidality. I want her to read it before our next session because I think it’s important for her to know. She didn’t have time to read it on Monday or before today’s session. If she doesn’t read it, I feel like why bother sending her stuff. Same with the letters. That is why I don’t write them anymore because she doesn’t read them or it takes her a long time to get to them. I know she only has a few minutes between sessions but I just feel like she is missing out on my work if she doesn’t read what I send her. I rather her be late to session than her not reading my blog or letter. If I am putting effort into this thing, the least she can do is try to read it.

I counted my antipsychotic pills (trilafon) and found that I will run out before I see my psychiatrist again. I will have to email her to send another script sometime next week. I thought I wouldn’t run out but if I am taking 2 a day, I will run out. I need to take 2 to keep the paranoia and voices down. I find that it works best if I take it twice a day than once a day. I know my psych just wants me to take it once a day but it doesn’t cover me the whole day. I have tried to just take it at night because that is when the voices are at the worst. It just doesn’t seem to hold me and then a few hours later I will need another dose because I am still up battling the voices so I can sleep. I don’t want to bother her as she is on vacation. She did ask me if I was set on meds and I thought I would be okay with the trilafon but I miscalculated. 30 pills only gets you so far in two weeks. Some days I need 12 mg because the voices are so damn bad. I have been getting musical hallucinations lately that have been god awful. I hear a song over and over like it is playing but it’s not. And it plays the entire song over and over. I have tried listening to music to stop it from playing but it doesn’t help. Then there are a battle between what is in my head and what is actually playing on my MP3 player. It sucks. Least the lyrics haven’t changed so that is good. Sometimes the lyrics will tell me to do things, even if I have heard the same song a million times. It’s just odd. But it’s just part of the psychosis. And it’s worse at night than during the day. Everything is worse at night. My pain, physically and mentally, the voices, the songs, the paranoia, the delusions. Everything.

Harry Potter and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Harry Potter and other things

I made my monthly trip to Harvard Square to pick up my copy of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Just as I thought, it was a script of the London Play that opened up July 30th. It will be interesting to read as I never read a script before. It’s in my pile of “to read” books.

While I was waiting for a friend to get back to me on whether or not we could meet up, there were a ton of police cars racing toward the train station. I have no idea what transpired in the minutes it took for me to walk to the bookstore. I saw that they arrested someone and was being attended to by EMT personnel. Maybe a fight broke out or something. It didn’t affect train traffic, thank goodness. It was all outside the station.

My friend just got back to me. He is booked till late tonight. That’s too bad. I am sure I will be back in the square one of these days so our schedules will match up to meet.

I got really tired as the humidity was bad. It was my first day out in a few days as I have been sleeping almost non stop since Thursday. I had therapy in the afternoon and was pretty alert during session. We talked a little bit about how much the pain is draining me and that I don’t get that much support around my medication issues. My family thinks I shouldn’t be taking anything for my pain or that there should be some magical cure for it. That would be nice but unfortunately, the damage has been done and there is no undoing it.

I did tell my therapist about my sleeping and she said that it could just be that I am exhausted both mentally and physically from dealing with it. I told her the most I have done is taken a shower during the day or afternoon. I took one today and it wasn’t too bad. It woke me up some more. I really wanted to go to Harvard today even though by the time I got to my Square to get coffee, I just wanted to go back home. The bus was there as if taunting me. I walked by and proceeded to Harvard. Also while waiting for my friend to tweet me back, I went to Starbucks and got something to eat. I was kind of hungry as I didn’t eat anything all day. Then when I came home, my mother had a chicken salad. It was good and light. Prevented me from having to cook. I might make something later as those were the only things that I ate.

My therapist didn’t read the blog I sent her so I had to look up what blog I sent her as I didn’t remember. I also don’t remember writing the blog as it was late at night. I was sort of reading it while on the phone with her but it wasn’t registering in my brain. I still have no idea what I wrote. It was about dealing with chronic pain and suicidality. I told my therapist about how I felt about my medication and how it’s really fucking with me right now. I hate being on it but what choice do I have? I hate being on all the meds I am on but again, what choice do I have? And the voices don’t help because they want me to either not take anything or take everything. This is poison, this is okay to take, that isn’t, this is. It’s always a constant battle going on in my head. Most of the times I win, but sometimes I lose. Then it’s more medication to control what I have lost. Sucks. Sure the pressure would be easier if I was in the hospital. They would be controlling my meds but they don’t know how I take my pain meds at home because it’s not written the way I take it. I have tried to get them to change it but it’s no use. I never run out because I still use the same amount of pills a day. I just take two pills instead of 1 twice a day. Sometimes it is more than that but it’s rare. My ex-PCP knows this because I always was straight with him about how I take my meds. But the NP doesn’t ask and I just don’t offer. Then there are days when I am only taking two pills a day. It all depends on my pain level for any given day. But the chronicity of it is what is getting me down.

You would think that after dealing with it for so long (4+ years), I would be used to it by now. I’m not because I could be having low pain like right now and then my pain jumps to 10 in an instant. I could be resting for hours, lie down and wham, pain out of the woodworks. This is why I try to take my pain meds either before my night meds or after because I never know what level pain I am going to be in. That is also hard for me to be in the hospital because I could have no pain, high pain, or low pain. It’s difficult to gauge. And then they are only give me one damn pill and that just pisses me off. I also need to time it right so I can get it on the same shift as day or evening. Only exception is if I wake up in the middle of the night in pain. Then I got night shift to give me my meds. It just sucks.