Tag: psych hospital

2019May13 Misery and Insomnia Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

2019May13 Misery and Insomnia Continues

I barely slept last night. I was up till around 0530 because my ankle decided to go up to a level 12 at midnight and stay that way most of the night. It went down to an 8 when I woke up around 10 but after I brushed my teeth, made lunch, washed my dishes, and folded my bedding, pain shot back up higher. It is now around a level 13. I am so disgusted.

I was so frustrated and had bad urges in the early morning hours. I was in such despair. I realized around 4 am that if I go in the hospital, I am not going to have my meds at my bedside. I would have to walk to the nurse’s station to get meds and then walk back to my room. Walking is not a good thing when you are in a fricken flare. So I emailed my psych this and haven’t had a response. I sent her another email asking her if she is going to force me in the hospital. I am done with messaging her today. Either she responds or she doesn’t. I told her I can talk to her tonight or tomorrow, or the rest of the week. I don’t care but I am not going in the hospital. It isn’t like being on a psych unit you have a call bell to have the nurse come to your room. And because the nurse needs to scan your wrist band to give out meds, it is just not a good situation for me.

I am fricken exhausted. Past two nights I barely slept more than 8 hours. I am running on fumes. I had coffee because I needed it. I hate this is another day of not being able to do anything in my room. I haven’t done my PT exercises and don’t care to. I have been doing the calf thing trying to get it loose. I have not used the new band for the foot exercises. I am just so frustrated I don’t want to do a damn thing. I have been doing the foot thing where I am trying to get my foot to be flat. Because my calf is tight, my foot is always bearing on my toes rather than be flat. I have been this way for years so I don’t think that is going to change. I tried it while I was on the bus and train Friday and it was killing my muscles. I am just not used to it. I try and hold it for a little longer.

My psych just responded and wants me to call her tonight or tomorrow morning. For some reason I am scared. Even though I have known her more than half my life, I always fear she will throw me in the hospital and throw the key away. I know this irrational. So I will call her later. Rather face the music today than tomorrow. I will be a nervous wreck if I wait till tomorrow morning.

To the person who commented on my blog yesterday, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I know you are probably hurting a lot. You will get through it even though it might seem impossible right now. Hope you are continuing to read my blog so you see this message.

I took some gaba to help with the pain. Not sure that was an good idea if I got to talk to my psych tonight. Last night I was a little dissociative before trying to sleep at 130am. I have been doing anything and everything I can to control the pain. It most likely is flaring due to the weather. Temp dropped about 14 degrees last night. I so cold. I had to put another blanket on my bed because I put my fleece one in my bag I was planning to take to the hosp. I still am hoping to be a free bird this week. Not sure yet. Will find out when I talk to my psych tonight. Hence why I am scared. She very insistent Friday when we met. I know she is right but I am getting upset on how it will be and it hasn’t even happened yet. A friend said to “let it work” but I am very sure she has never been in the hospital recently, or at least where I live. If I had a therapist, maybe things would be better. The social worker got back to me about the therapist situation. Unfortunately the director is in Africa for a few weeks so she doesn’t know what is going on until he is back. Wonderful. Just reinforces the notion I am a hopeless case no one wants to take on. Other might be helped but after 28 years of getting help, it hasn’t worked out yet for me.

2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart

I saw my psych today and the first thing she said to me was “have a mustache.” I laughed. I had taken a selfie while at the bus stop and when it popped up on my timeline on FB, I really noticed it being darker than it was even a week ago. Sometimes it is the small things you don’t notice right away. I sort of have been in a gender incongruent/dysphoric mood today as I feel like my breasts are a thousand pounds each. Also feeling bloated doesn’t help. I am not sure why I am bloated as I haven’t eaten gassy foods today, unless it is leftover gas from the burrito I had last night. I am just uncomfortable with my body right now and I don’t like it. I loathe myself so much right now.

My appointment kind of went as planned, with the exception of the hospital being my choice. She is insisting on me going in the hospital next week when my sisters come home. I told her to please find out of the psych unit prescribes pain medication because if they don’t, there will be problems. I most certainly won’t be going in if I can’t have pain meds. I am to call her Tuesday so she can find out about beds as we sort of agreed on a Wed admission. I honestly don’t know if things will be better by then. I doubt it as I am getting closer and closer to an attempt. We didn’t discuss the means, thank god. But she is not letting this get worse as it already has been.

I have already packed a bag. I just need to see if I packed shorts because I don’t want to be hot as the temps have been climbing up. I also need to make sure I have extra underwear as I have been leaking a lot more than usual lately. The increase in the pain meds have caused more retention than I expected. I am still hoping it will level off but who knows when that will be. It has been a few weeks since I started the new dose so maybe a few weeks more as my body adjusts. Course this also goes with how many breakthrough meds I have been taking as that also causes retention. I honestly don’t get the signal to pee until I am practically ready to burst. This is due to the nerve damage caused by cauda equina syndrome. Even though it has been more than 10 years, I still have damage that is permanent.

After I left my psych’s office and was on the way to the train home, I got hit with the biggest heart ache. It hit me so hard, I could barely breathe. It has been bad like this the past three or four days now. I really don’t know what brings it on. But I guess that is the nature of psychache, just comes on when you least expect it. Then when I came home and got into my PJs, my damn ankle exploded in pain. Pain got worse as I have been typing this blog. I was getting hungry so just had a protein bar. I was going to have Nutella on a flour tortilla but doesn’t look like that will be happening. I hope I can sleep tonight. My psych was astounded when I told her I had 5 shots of espresso. I can handle it, though I probably should have had four. I don’t think it will keep me up as much as the pain will. I am already experiencing sensory overload as noises have been bothering me. My mother is playing her dice game in the kitchen. I swear I’d like to toss them in the trash one day. Fucking hate the noise!! Nothing worse than hard plastic hitting glass. And she seems to be playing it whenever she is in the kitchen now, with the blasted TV at full volume. I just want to die and I know the night is only going to get worse between my psychache and physical pain.

thoughts of the midnight demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Thoughts of the midnight demon

“I haven’t slept all night as I have been in a lot of pain between my back (low pressure changes) and my ankle/foot. I am sharing with you something I have been sort of keeping from you because of fear of hosp.

Been in a quandary about what you said and what I talked about with a social worker friend. she thinks I should be evaluated. Parts of me agree but the one question, I cannot answer is the “why now…what has changed?” Frankly I don’t know. I wanted to end my life March 29th. I made the decision sometime in January. Since that time I held off for a week because the weather interfered with my plan. I have every thing worked out except the small details of where to leave my benefits pension information, banks, passwords to different accts, etc.

A few nights of despair with pain and psychache caused my plan to be more imminent. I couldn’t stand to reach my means to end my life so when I was “well”, I moved it closer. When I emailed you last night, I was so overwhelmed because I had planned, again, to end things this weekend. I’ve always had a plan and the means to carry it out. I don’t know why I haven’t acted. I know I don’t want to do it in my room. I rather be at some deserted place, which I have picked out but weather has been a factor in me getting there.

I still do not think hospital is the answer. It will not help except to babysit me and maybe give me more time to think things through or maybe work through the hard stuff and see where it leads me, but it is doubtful as the hospital just thinks this is an outpt issue (aka longer term) and once my level of safety is down, I will be released even if my “risk” factors are high.

Maybe Dr. Goldstein’s SW will be able to help me in the short term. I don’t know. I am scared to tell anyone but those I trust deeply (you). When I asked you Friday and you told me why you wanted me to live it gave me some hope to live again. Least for a day and a half. I do have plans for a book. But if I don’t get past these suicidal disturbances (I can send you a paper on it if you like), I don’t see the point in any of it. I am also ambivalent about asking for help because I have been rejected so many times or just have no received the care to reduce my internal struggle. I know this will not be an overnight thing. I know it is not a medication thing either (though I wish it were).

I honestly don’t know what to do. part of me wants to roll the dice and see if I die. Another part wants to attempt so maybe the hospital will take me more “seriously”. Walking in voluntarily hasn’t seemed to help much. I rather avoid the hospital all together and just do something else but not sure what that is.

these are my thoughts. I won’t tell you what my means are or where I am planning on ending things. Just know they are there and within reach. I have no method of planning a date. Any Friday will do, just so I can fuck with the suicide statistics.”

This is what I sent my psychiatrist. I felt she had to know because I sent her an email last night and she called me within ten minutes asking if she should send an ambulance to my house. She is worried about me, to say the least. I am so ambivalent about doing the acting part of taking my life. I don’t have to do it. That part is clear. But I want to do it so the thoughts will leave me, so that I can say I did it and then well, if I succeed then fine. If I don’t, I will be indeed a failure and I will accept the consequences. I have not chosen a very lethal means. I don’t have a gun and I don’t plan on hanging myself. But what I have chosen might end up killing me if I hit the right spot. The more I think about it the more I want to do it. It is like a nagging thing inside my head. I feel like I have two things on each side of my shoulders like in cartoons, one is like a good part and the other a bad part. Each one seems to talk louder than the other and I still survive the hellish nights of wanting to die so damn bad.

I know my means needs to go to someone else, for now. Not indefinitely. I know I should talk with someone who isn’t afraid of suicide and will hear me out when I am suicidal without resorting to hospitalization when I bring it up. I also will not abide by “suicide contracts” basically I am safe until next session without a clear plan on what to do in the meantime. If a safety plan or crisis response plan is not implemented and I am held accountable to actually do it (fuck I am wicked bad at my suggestions and following through because I know best type of thing. I am also bad at giving advice and not listening to it when it involves me). I would like a therapist that is willing to work with me on specific skills to decrease my suicidality like DBT or CBT, brief. But that involves that they actually know how to treat someone who is chronically suicidal or at least, knows chronic suicidal ideations. Otherwise, what good is either of them. CAMS is good (my opinion, the gold standard) but there are very few, if at all, therapists in the Boston area that have this type of training, least to my knowledge. There was a therapist in Cambridge that had the type of training best suited to me but unfortunately the bitch never had the courtesy of calling me back.

I have been up all night. I will most likely sleep all day. I am tempted to send this to my pcp’s social worker and see what she has to say. I will send her the link, maybe. I am very selective on who I let in on my suicidal world.

For those reading this, I am safe. I am not going to kill myself this week. I currently don’t have a specific plan in mind at the moment. So do me a favor and not call the police on me because you read this and said “omg suicidal, call the cops”.

day 5 and a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Day 5 and a flare (warning, long post)

Last night, I had to go to the bathroom kind of late, around 2300 or so. I was also hungry so went downstairs. I must have went down four steps and my ankle went out on me. It became really painful. I stopped and hung on the bannister to prevent falling. Pain subsided a little and I went down a few more steps only for it to happen again. Shit. I held on again to the bannister and waited for my ankle to calm down a bit. I knew the downward motion of my ankle was causing it to get annoyed. I finally went down the rest of the stairs and did my business.

When I came back up to my room, my ankle felt okay. The game was late as it was on the west coast and I couldn’t stay up as I needed to be up at 6. Around midnight, I turned in, or tried to. My body pillow was a mess and was not making me comfortable. I must have flung it off the bed as when I came up to my room today, the whole side of it was on the floor. It collected all the dust that surrounded it. Great. I used a lint roller to get it off. I just decided to use a regular pillow and somehow fell asleep. I woke up about three hours later in pain. It was too early to take the 12 hr pill so I took the immediate release. Two hours later I was still in pain so took the longer acting med. I was early but oh well. I then slept for about an hour until my alarm went off.

I took my morning meds and then went downstairs to brush my teeth and wash my face. I was deciding on what to wear. I thought I could wear shorts but it was too cold and it was kind of rainy. I decided sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt were in order. Except, I couldn’t find the one I wanted to wear. I scrounged my bed and it was nowhere. Oh well, just go with the one I usually sleep in. I left to catch the bus. As I got to the corner, the bus I was to take rolled by. Luckily, another one soon followed so I didn’t have to wait long.

I brought my Dostoevsky book with me. I had 45 minutes before PT. I got coffee at the lower end coffee shop and a coffee roll. When I finished the roll, I got to reading until it was time to leave for PT. PT was not so great. She gave me a few new exercises but I think I am going to have trouble doing it on my left side due to moving my damn ankle/foot. I might have to wear the AFO (ankle foot orthotic) to keep it stable. We just did the right side and she explained what muscles were moving. Then she massaged my hip. She said my muscles were hard as a rock. I said like a tennis ball and she said yes. Some parts of where she was touching was bothersome to my thigh muscle. I had to remind her that my L2/L3 surgery fucked it up. We talked about the PTSD and stuff that surrounded my pain issues and she offered some concrete grounding techniques which I will try as the ones I were using were not working. I chiefly use distraction and music. She had me laying on my back under some kind of box thing. As we were ending, she moved my knee to my chest and my back cramped up badly. It hurt so much. I was able to walk out of there but I was hurting. I came home because my next appointment wasn’t until 1500. I made a fried egg that I kind of overcooked the yolk. Then I went upstairs and was hoping to catch a nap. Well my ankle said no to that soon as I laid down. I left an hour early than I wanted to. I went to Starbucks for espresso and a Danish.

I read my book as I brought that with me. I was going to get some serious reading done. But my god, did Dostoevsky talk and talk and talk. It was about 4 chapters of the prosecutor giving his closing argument. When he was finished, so was I. I have about 8 chapters left in the book and I should be able to finish the book this weekend. Progress. I promised one of my suicidologists that I would read her book so I will. It should be somewhat easy reading once I remember where I put it. HA. Don’t know if it is buried on my bed or I put it somewhere else.

I went to my psychiatrist appt. I gave her the run down of being hypomanic without euphoria and the cycle I seem to be in. She didn’t read anything I sent her but she said she would read it as she always does. I felt kind of deflated because I really wanted to talk about the article I sent her. I couldn’t bring it up if she didn’t read it. I actually was not really present. I just glossed over things and she accepted it. I told her my therapist wanted to meet with me twice a week but I am not sure if I can do it physically, especially with physical therapy sessions going on as well. I had told him I would think about it and get back to him. She thought it was good to be seen twice a week. Then we made an appt for two weeks and I left.

My ankle was kind of giving me grief but it wasn’t bad until I got within two blocks of home. Before the Walgreens by my house, there is this dead end street that leads to some houses. The sidewalk has a little handicapped ramp that, to me, is very inclined. I walked down it and it brought me almost to my knees. Pain was so fricken bad. I had to stand in place until it settle down. It was the same as last night when I was going down the stairs but 10 times worse. I didn’t know what to do. My sister was away (or so I thought) and there wasn’t anyone else I could call for a ride. I took my blessed time limping home. The block that lead to the final block to my street was hilly and downward. OMG did it hurt to walk downhill. I had to stop a few times to catch myself. I finally made it home and my sister’s apartment door was wide open as well as my door. I called for my niece but there was no answer. I stuck my head in my sister’s apartment and called for her again. My sister was home making dinner. My other sister was there as well eating some kind of cheese plate. I had some cheese and pepperoni and chatted with my sisters. I then went upstairs. I took my things up the stairs carefully. I took a seat in the kitchen and my ankle just went berserk. I had no idea how I was going to walk down the hallway to my room. I was in a serious flare. I have been on the new med for five fucking days. I have no idea if CRPS doesn’t care if you take meds or not. I posted the question in my support group. I am still waiting for an answer or support. I had to take the med when I finally got to my room. It was two hours early but I didn’t care. After I made dinner with a boot on, my ankle still flared again. I took the breakthrough med. It is going to be a long night and I have been up for 15 hours so far. I cried in pain while I was in the kitchen. My mother was oblivious.

I don’t know what to do to make this pain go the fuck away. I thought the new meds would work and they did for a bit. Until I walked that handicap ramp, which I will never fucking do again. I wish I could say the same of the stupid stairs but I live in a two floor house so that isn’t possible. Even wearing the boot didn’t help. More than a few weeks till my date. I wasn’t going to go through with it. But I change my mind. I could still change it, again. I haven’t told anyone about this because people keep saying they need me and that makes me feel guilty. Someone also reminded me of the ripple effect and I told her to stop talking to me. I don’t want to hear it. I just want to be left alone in my misery that no one understands. I am so done with explaining about how suicidal I am and not getting any understanding about it. Not that I want support for it. That would be ridiculous. But to know at least where I am coming from rather than have supposed opinions. I just have become callous to anyone that thinks they know me.

I did ask my psychiatrist if she thought I was “treatable”. She said yes. But that is all she said without any elaboration. I am in too much pain, both mentally and physically, to tell her what I am thinking. I am also afraid of telling her what I am thinking for fear of another hospitalization. I won’t go this time, not unless I make an attempt. That is the only way I will go back. I just hope to be successful. Things will be really bad if I don’t succeed. I am scared though. I’ve never tried this method before. And if I don’t get it right on the first try, I am kind of screwed. I am just messed up.