Tag: psychache

Lots of things and crashing after

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mood disorders, psychache, transgender

Lots of things and crashing after

I woke up around 5 for some reason that I don’t remember now. I think I was in pain as I remember taking a pain med. I was hoping this was not going to cause me to be in bed all day as I really wanted to change my sheets. I fell back to sleep and hoped for the best.

I woke up with my med alarm blaring. I felt okay. I definitely needed coffee. I was hungry. That was the first time in three weeks I woke feeling hungry. Maybe my sodium was back up. I still feel better but kind of sluggish. I went downstairs after stripping the bed and then used the bathroom. I made breakfast and coffee. My mother wanted a cup so I made her one as well. I found this transgender article and was totally confused by it because it is not how I felt. But I decided to leave it where it was so I could read it later. After I ate, I put the throw in the dryer and then the blanket in the washer. I just had the sheets to do.

I went back upstairs to find my sheets. Before I put them on, I duct taped the corners of the top of my mattress so the damn foam topper wouldn’t go anywhere. I hoped anyway. My back was giving me grief. I had taken a shower before I got upstairs. I had shaved, too. I was sweating by the time I wrestled with the sheets. I was trying to even out the top sheet I didn’t bother to tuck it in. Then I got the comforter and the pillowcase. I put the comforter on and the pillowcase on the pillow. I couldn’t find the extra pillow case for the pillow that goes between my knees. I said fuck it. My back was killing me, I was wiped out, I felt like I was going to pass out and I did. I slept for three fricken hours. I guess the sodium isn’t as high as it should be. I know it is getting there as I am kind of feeling better. The big test is that I am getting my groceries tomorrow. If I survive that without sleeping for the day, I guess I am doing better. If I sleep all day, then I am still fatigued from the low sodium.

I read this article https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/24/opinion/sunday/vaginoplasty-transgender-medicine.html. And it was a MTF. I honestly have not come across too many trans that feel this way. I certainly have never felt this way but I am not going to have phalloplasty. It is a complex surgery and I just do not want to go through with it. I just want to be flat chested and grow a beard. The things raised in this article scare me because I don’t ever want my hormones to be in jeopardy. I know that losing my breasts has to be dealt with. I have thought about it so many times. I mean, I am sort of attached to them. I wish they never were formed so I didn’t feel that way but now that they are sort of shrinking slowly, I am glad. It was a huge part of my dysphoria to have breasts when I didn’t want them. I know eventually, I will have to have top surgery and getting a good surgeon is key because I have heard horror surgeries where the surgeon doesn’t care and just does a bad job. Granted this was just in the UK, but I am hoping to find one in the Boston area that is considerate and doesn’t cause nerve damage or anything. That is further down the road as I am not there yet. I don’t know if I can talk about this with my therapist or not. He doesn’t seem to know a lot about transgender and I am kind of pissed because on the website I found him at, said that he did. I am not sure if I will have to find another therapist to deal with the dysphoria or not.

This female is having doubts about getting surgery to have a vagina implanted. I don’t understand why she would go through something like that if it is going to cause her more emotional pain than what she is already in. And I still cannot believe a surgeon would do it when there are doubts. I am not saying my transition has made me bone fide happy, but it has relieved a lot of the tension I was feeling not going through the transition and having to wait so much from the LGBT clinic and then I met my doctor and she is all like when do you want to start. Like seriously, in one visit, I am on hormones. I understand the LGBT taking things slow and working things out but I have known the last ten fricken years, maybe more than that, that I am NOT a fucking female. I am a fucking male. I hate getting misgendered! It really drives me crazy and Microsoft doesn’t recognize misgendered. How fucking lovely.

I have my shot this week. I am excited because I get to do the selfies and post a little bit about changes. Honestly, other than thicker leg hair, there hasn’t been much since last week. I keep getting complimented on the facial changes but I don’t see them week to week. Sure from day 1 to now I do but I think if I lose weight, it will be more prominent. I think I have lost some weight since I haven’t been eating regularly with the whole sodium thing. I really have just been sleeping a heck of a lot.

I see my psychiatrist this week. I am glad because I miss seeing her. I hate these monthly meetings but she is always a page or email away if I really need her. I don’t know what they are going to do about my mood stabilizer. I see my pcp Wed to get my blood redrawn to check levels. Then go from there. I really hate that I have to taper my drug but I don’t know if it is just to taper to a lower dose or off the medication entirely. And I am starting to feel that woozy feeling again, which means I am going to crash soon. I am over a 1,000 words. So I guess that is good for the day. God I can’t wait till this is resolved!

About suicide hotlines: My thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

About suicide hotlines: My thoughts

some hotlines: Crisis text line 741741, National Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860, Trevor Project for LNGTQ 866-488-7386

After a 9 year old that came out as gay to his friend and then killed himself, there has been an increase in sending out the suicide hotline numbers. While I know that sending out and calling does help people, there are other that feel too hopeless and alone, maybe feeling ashamed, maybe feeling no one will understand, and therefore won’t reach out.

One thing that is often said in hindsight of a suicide is why? Why didn’t I see the signs? But knowing the signs are not enough. Often when confronted, people with suicidal thoughts or maybe even planning a suicide, will deny it. It is a sensitive issue. A private issue. I know when my best friend told me at the age of 11 to seek help, my response was “I am not crazy”. With stigma, it is hard to approach someone who is suicidal. Often, there is the thought, no way this person is thinking of suicide, not my child, friend, co-worker, etc. They may deny it and say they don’t because it is against their religion or maybe the person who asks, frightens their friend or family member for fear of being stopped or if they do say yes, the person who asks responds with “don’t do something stupid” or “I will kill you if you do this”, which further alienates the suffering person. I’ve had this experience from two different people. I’ve never understood this logic. I still don’t.

My point of all this is people who are depressed ad suicidal need to feel safe in order to talk openly about their feelings. Often calling a hotline takes a lot of effort to even pick up the phone or dial the number. It is so scary because they are afraid they will be turned away and that holds people back. Or maybe they have phone anxiety like me. The Crisis Text Line is super for those people. But it is still scary to admit they are having suicidal feelings. They don’t know what will happen when they call or text.

In this case of this little boy who apparently was bullied, I don’t know if he would have had access to a phone to reach out and seek help. We often think those under the age of 10 cannot think about suicide but the numbers are growing. I know when I was eight I started having suicidal thoughts and made my first attempt at age 10. I didn’t tell anyone about this besides my best friend. He was probably sick of me talking about it so told me to reach out and then I shut down. I stopped talking about it but the thoughts were still there. When I was 12 I did reach out to Samaritans. I talked to a nice British speaking lady. I was very scared to call. I never had another good experience calling a hotline again. I was often rushed off the phone once I mentioned that I was suicidal.

Long day with no nap

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day with no nap

I didn’t sleep well. The gastritis continued most of the day until I moved my bowels and then I felt better. I think I was so backed up, stuff wasn’t moving until the other end did. I am feeling better now but I got the sharts and just had a false alarm so decided to take a shower anyway as I needed to. I meant to take one this morning but didn’t wake up early enough. I thought I would be able to see my doc today but there were no openings. I had gone to Starbucks and had something light for breakfast. I didn’t have my espresso as I knew that wouldn’t help my stomach. I had a caramel macchiato and I think the milk is what is making me feel all lousy in my bowels. I usually have soy and Starbucks milk just doesn’t agree with my bowels. I am fine with whole milk but not the 2% shit.

I wrote in my journal until it was time for the bus. I came home wanting to nap but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t hurting too much except for my right foot. The golf ball came back and every step hurts. I wish I was seeing a doctor tomorrow but I am seeing a nurse practitioner. I will be demanding an MRI as this has been going on too long. Three weeks is an awful long time, especially with PT and stuff.

I made the burgers I bought. I made all four of them as they were starting to go bad. I had one as they were 1/3 lb. The buns I bought were smaller than the burger! That kind of sucked. I just put mustard on. If I thought about it, I would have put pickles.

So the Dotard in Chief and his minions are trying to erase trangenders. Like seriously?? We are back to this bullshit?? It’s basically erasing everything President Obama decently did while he was in office and burns this administration so damn bad. I am so fucking sad and angry and I don’t know what. I don’t even know what to say. I knew it was a possibility and a lot of LGBTQ’s ended up killing themselves the day after the dotard was elected. That was almost two years ago. Tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary of changing my name and having my sex changed on my license. I have no idea if that will still be the case with the “real ID”. I’ll find out in four years. I need to get my passport renewed and that I am not sure if I will get hassled.

Crap. I just farted again and it was a guess fart. I am ready to put on a damn diaper so if I do shit, at least I won’t be changing my underwear after every fart! I am so tired of nerve damage messing up my fucking life, or what is left of it. I will be damned if I am going to be called a her or miss. I will just slice my throat or something. Fuck. These elected idiots have say over whether I am a guy or not? Fuck you. It is bullshit. Plain and simple. I am so done with it. And they don’t care about anything but themselves. I am sure they are leaking shit to the press to stir shit. Hope Mueller is closer to doing something because I swear this can’t be going on for much longer. The lies, the bullshit. We are the laughing stock of the crowd. And the asshole thinks the world is laughing with him? Yea, keep dreaming dotard, keep dreaming.

World Mental Health Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.

Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?