Tag: therapist

psych related day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Psych related day

I had therapy this morning. I woke up too late to have a chance to make tea or coffee. The session went okay. I told her of my suicidal plans and what was causing me to be suicidal. She kept on saying that there was something different and she wanted to know what that was. I had no clue what she was talking about. I didn’t feel different. She encouraged me to ask my pcp when I meet with him in seeing if there is something different we can try to alleviate my pain. I am nervous about meeting with him. I usually have a hard time asking for what I need. I might not ask just see where he is at and see where the conversation leads us. I know he is going to want me to see a pain clinic outside of Boston. He referred me there before but I wasn’t able to get there because of transportation issues. Now with Covid, I am not sure I will even get an appointment as a new patient.

In the afternoon, I met with my psychopharm. She felt bad that she isn’t able to do anything for me. Such a contrast with my therapist. She (psychopharm) was telling me I was resilient and inspiring. I don’t get that from my therapist at all. I don’t know why she doesn’t say those things.

After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my steroids. I was hesitant to start it because it was so late in the day but I figure two doses is better than none. I might set the alarm for 3 or 4 am so I can take the third dose of the day and then start the day with new dose but we’ll see. I am not looking forward to disrupting my sleep.

I am having a hard time writing today. I just can’t seem to get with it. Just like therapy. Maybe there is a connection. I don’t know. I guess a little over 300 words is enough for today. I am in pain and I just can’t seem to ignore it. I hate when it bothers me so much.

Writing Something is better than nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing Something is better than nothing

I woke up with my med alarm ringing. I didn’t know what the noise was but I wanted it to stop. It was ringing for a good ten minutes before I finally became coherent enough to shut it off. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom. I did my business then brushed my teeth. I needed caffeine if I was going to have therapy in an hour. I made a cup of tea as half and half seems to be a rare commodity these days. I need it for coffee but seeing as I didn’t have it, I made tea. It was strong and full bodied so I enjoyed my cup.

Therapy was a disaster. I didn’t feel like talking. It was too early in the fucking morning and I guess my therapist finally clued in that this time was not a good time to chat. We changed it for a later time next week on Tues. Just as well as I am not liking these virtual visits. It is so hard to think of something to say. I felt like pulling out my notebook that jotted down some stuff but wasn’t sure if she would approve. Frankly I just wanted to get back to bed. I didn’t care about anything else. I told her about the need to lay flat and that I have a leak. This recovery is taking its own sweet time. I don’t like it. It is too slow for my tastes. So naturally I got a headache today. Luckily, Tylenol took care of it. I was running a low grade temp last night that had me very worried. It didn’t go above 99.6 and ibuprofen took care of it. I have not been running anything close to 98 degrees right now. I am glad. I still feel like shit and if I do anything that requires effort, my heart rate goes nuts.

Last night my nephew was worried as I was so out of breath after I took my shower. It took me a while for me to catch my breath. My heart rate was bananas. I made up a container of water and then I made a container of Gatorade. I haven’t made one today. I should as I haven’t been drinking that much today. I will make a container when my sister leaves my house. I don’t feel like talking to her right now. I just am not in a talkative mood.

I am debating on contacting my therapist for another session this week. I feel like I should make amends to my non-talkative mood this morning. Part of me feels like she is mad at me but I know that isn’t true. I wonder if my therapist is sick of me. I always seem to go back and forth. Like I want to move forward but I rather do it two steps back to make sure I have room to fall. I’ve always done this with every therapist I’ve had. She is the first one in nearly twenty years to challenge me on my thoughts. She wants me to get better. The question is, do I want to?

A Cuppa and a Shower

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A cuppa and a shower

I had therapy this morning but because I didn’t wake up right away, I didn’t have time to caffeinate before the appointment. I miss having a latte. I don’t know if the Starbucks I go to is open or not. I heard some are closed due to the virus. I struggled to focus during therapy. I was just not there and then half way through session my therapist pulls the what is going on crap. She said I don’t seem right. Like something shifted. Something did but I didn’t know what. I just didn’t want to talk anymore. She wanted me to talk more about why I felt like I didn’t deserve pain medication. I am supposed to write about it. I think it is going to be on paper first and then I will type it up so she can read it. I am not sure if I am going to password protect it or not. Guess it all depends on what I write about.

I finally got the antibiotics for this stupid fucking asshole UTI I got. My brother in law picked it up for me and I am grateful because it is nasty out with rain and high winds. The winds are so bad it took out a branch of the tree that is just in the front of our driveway. My brother in law was not happy. I hope the antibiotics work in a day or two because it really hurts to pee right now. I can’t take peeing every fricken hour anymore. It is driving me nuts.

After therapy this morning, I took a shower after I had a cup of tea. I so needed it. I had some cheesecake with it. The shower felt so good. I wasn’t able to stand too long because I shaved my armpits. It has been raining and I have been hurting most of the day because of it. We had high winds that took out a tree branch and that branch is now blocking our driveway. It is going to be days before the city comes to get rid of it. I put in a tweet about it hoping to get a response but I haven’t yet. Even though the shower felt good, I was still exhausted afterwards. I wanted to nap but resisted as I haven’t been sleeping too good the past few days. I am just so exhausted from this infection and recovering from surgery. I still don’t have energy levels where they were pre surgery. I think the testosterone is helping build up my blood cells again. I have my shot this week so hoping this time next week, I will be feeling better and not so damn tired. The infection should be gone by then anyways. I am going to be careful every time I cath to avoid getting another infection. I think I got to start using wipes to clean myself before inserting the catheter. It can’t hurt.

karma returned?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Karma returned?

Yesterday, I helped two strangers. On the way home from the hospital where I had my appointments, I noticed I lost my ring. I had no idea where it could have been. Last time I felt it was when I was washing my hands and a part of me wondered if I accidently threw it away with the paper towels I was using as I was adjusting it on my finger. That was the last time I remember seeing it. I should have put it on my other hand where it wasn’t so loose but I didn’t so I thought I lost it. Today I called up police and security of the hospital to check to see if someone turned it in. Someone had. I took the next bus to the station and went to the hosp. While there, I decided to go to the lab and see my friends. It was good to see them. I miss working there. I even had a dream that I had to FedEx a sample to get results by 5 the next day. Weird. I think the lab will always be a part of me, even if they get my name and gender wrong. Some of my friends who follow me on social media know I am transitioning. I wasn’t out to all of the people in the lab so I just had to take it.

I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I had written her a letter which she said I started off strong and then went off on a tangent. I don’t remember what I wrote so it is possible. I am finding transference with her gets easier as time goes on. She kept my letter and the papers I printed out which were the SSF part A. I told her we can use them and they can be our talking point. It will help focus things. Least that is what I hope will happen. Just hope she doesn’t sort of hold me to it every meeting. My psychopharm is. She pulls out the sheets every meeting. She asks about my suicidality. She has been asking since I told her to. My therapist has too. She wanted to know more details about it but I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her it would be a few months before I was ready to act on my thoughts, though I didn’t say it in those words. I am still not sure I will tell her I was going to kill myself.

I told my psychopharm that if I don’t feel better by Monday, I will consider going inpatient for a while. I really hope I don’t end up back south east of Boston again. That place was terrible. I would really hate having to use catheters there. I would rather have a foley put in so I won’t have to worry about it. I get my order of supplies tomorrow. I plan on packing a bag in addition to trying to clear the alcove space that needs to happen. I hope this bag that I have been trying to find is there and not in the other alcove.