Tag: bipolar disorder

When they say you aren’t alone but you really are…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

Past few months I’ve planned my ending. Now the time has come and it all comes down to me as to whether I go through with it. Sure, I unexpectedly got my pain meds that I waited 9 months for. But I am still in pain. Meds aren’t touching flares or making them bearable.

My lower body hurts. Legs feel like cement some days and because my legs are usually bent on the bed, they don’t want to stretch when I stand. And it hurts so much trying to walk just to go downstairs to use the bathroom. Sometimes walking helps but I got to walk hunched over because being fully erect is too much pain. It just isn’t comfortable.

Foot is going berserk. So fucking tired of being on pain. Half my foot from third toe down my ankle joint outward is being ripped apart or cut open. It wants to be separated. I hate this feeling and nothing helps me. I am so fucking annoyed!! Flares have a mind of their own. This one started with my pinkie and got worse from there. Midnight has struck. I want to fucking sleep. Chloral hydrate?

I feel like I should email my dark thoughts to my psychiatrist to let her know what is going on. I don’t know if she will respond, if she will tell me to go to the hospital (not an option and I will fight it), or she will want to see me ASAP. My therapist is on vacation. He doesn’t have a clue.

See, here is the thing. I’ve been chronically suicidal for years. I spent the last few months of 1994 in the hospital. I had one attempt in the beginning of November and I didn’t get out until mid January. Basically, I had to cover up my feelings to get out. I was close to being committed to a state hospital at the age of 19. I didn’t care because my depression made me feel so worthless that nothing was going to keep me here. But eventually by stuffing the darkness, I was let out to go to college. I earned my degree, found a stable job that I didn’t go to school for. And then tried to back to earn my bachelor’s degree only to suffer a psychotic episode that I never recovered from until months later on the right meds.

All that time, my suicidality fluctuated. I had a serious depressive episode in 2005. Things sort of got better in 2006. Two years later was the psychotic episode and I had to quit college. 4 years later I had a condition known as complex regional pain syndrome and that threw me on the disability table. Now I feel my life is over and I have a plan on ending it soon. I planned it back in March. I really was going to end it June 30th. But things happen and I push it back. Then pushed it back again. Now I am on the cusp and I don’t know what to do.

People always say you aren’t alone, but the truth is, when you are an attempt survivor, you are. You know what to say to get in and out of hospitals and what to say to avoid them. But the thoughts remain. They still circle your brain. And when you are in severe pain, you want to end it now. But patience is needed. I can’t end it on my bed for a family member to find me. I have a location in mind. I am scared of myself and omg what if I do die. If I succeed. Failure has happened and prevented me from attempting again. Now I am wanting to try again. I have no idea if I will succeed.

No one wants to hear me out. Soon as I say I want to end my life, people panic. They get angry. They tell you stuff that makes you feel guilty. And then you think why bother. Just go on suffering for THEM. So they don’t feel the pain you go through every single day. I’ve been doing this for years. My previous therapist prevented so many dates that could have been attempts. Sometimes I was hospitalized. Sometimes I just had more contact with her and or my psychiatrist.

I wish I could say I gave a fuck. But I am tired of hurting so damn much in the midnight hours of hell. When the midnight demons come out in me. I am a dark person. I pretend to be happy, to get along with everyone. That is what is expected of me. It hurts me to see others hurt. I’ve always been an emotionally sensitive person.

I have no idea if what the hell I am writing makes sense. I had to get the thoughts out of my head. It is going to be a flip of the coin the day of my doom. Imagine that. A coin having the power to live or die. I am pathetic.

it is hot and I am hangry

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It is hot and I am hangry

I have been in a kind of pissy mood most of the day. I found out that it is because I am hungry. I felt better once I had breakfast and then didn’t eat again until I got home from therapy. I was so friggen angry. Every moron was in my way. I nearly missed my stop because I lost track of the stops. I thought I got on the train where my psychiatrist is. My therapist is two stops later. I was so angry and distracted by my phone, I lost count and luckily looked up in time. No matter, the bus decided not to show up. I caught the bus down the street to catch the 1545 bus that would take me home. I am so mad! And HOT. On the way home, I saw my cousin sitting on the wall by Walgreens. I guess he stopped to relax as his prescription wasn’t ready. We talked on the way home. It had been a while since we chatted. I have his number blocked because he annoys me. Sorry but if I don’t answer my phone the first time, that doesn’t give you permission to call every two minutes for 10 minutes trying to reach me!!

I ordered food because I didn’t want to heat up the pulled pork or make something else. I was too tired and hot. Therapy went okay. He is on vacation for two weeks. Kind of weird not seeing him. He asked why. I said because we have not really had two consecutive weeks of not seeing each other. Maybe every other week but not two weeks. And in that time frame, I don’t have anything else scheduled. Mostly because the All Star game is playing, which means the Sox are off for four days. I hate that week. I miss my boys playing. I can’t believe we are almost at the midway point. We lost big time last night. Sox got their asses handed to them all because of OverPriced Price. Fricken asshole. I think he did it on purpose so he can find some excuse not to play them next time. Fricken loser he is. And a $31 million dollar one at that!

I wrote my friend an email. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago with a doggie pic of the breed she likes. But my stupid phone did something to the email I wrote and it got stuck in my outbox so the only thing that got sent was the pic, then it looked like she responded but there was nothing. I don’t know. I used my computer to send her another message with an update. I am seeing my friends that are south of Boston on the 4th. I am wicked excited. I told them I might be late as the T is running on a Sunday schedule, which means no service to the red line. I hope I can get a ride from my sister. She hasn’t answered my text so not sure what she is doing. If I can’t, I will have to go to the Orange line and transfer to the red. I have no idea how the trains are going to be running. I know I will probably need a cab home.

My back started to act up soon after I got up. Started with my right buttock hurting. I used a tennis ball to massage it. Now my lower back on the right side is hurting. Feels like the muscles want to be torn away from my spine and sacrum. I just hurt. I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain. It is all muscles. I have no radiating pain that would indicate a nerve problem. Weird thing is that I am having zaps (electric shocks) going through the sole of my left foot. It is mild but can cause me to jump at any minute. I had to put my foot at a weird angle to make it stop. Hate zaps. They are more unpredictable than flares. Come when you least expect it and just going about your business. Fuckers. I wish I didn’t have PT tomorrow but the next few days are going to be hot either way. Friday there are going to be storms so I don’t want to go out in that. I just want to hug my AC. I woke up freezing around maybe 4 this morning. I had to shut it off. Then I woke up hot. It didn’t matter as I had to be up anyways. I wish I stayed up than go back to sleep. I feel so worn out. Even my therapist said I was tired.

Sunday Blog 1-July-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 1 July 18

Can’t believe it is fricken July already. Like where did the year go?? 3 days I go south of Boston to see my friends. I found the bag I want to pack. It had my power cord for my laptop that needs to be repaired. On it was a dead mouse! ICK!!!! Freaked me out. I got a glove and a tissue and ewwwww got the poor thing off and in the trash. Guess that was the bad smell in my room a couple months ago. I lysol’d the shit out of the bag. Now I got to make sure it doesn’t smell and then I will pack my things in it. There was nothing else dead or alive in it. Just my fuzzy slippers and a bottle of water.

I made cornbread pancakes. They were really good. I made like 7 of them. Well, really like 5 as two fell apart. I am not a good pancake flipper. I also burned two. Not sure I will make them again. They were so filling. I probably am going to have dinner late. I plan on making the pulled pork. That seems good on a nice hot day. I’ll throw a can of soda in the fridge.

Came back to my room and wanted to read Neverwhere. I read a chapter and then had to stop. I want to read at least another two more. I have to do it in shifts because the book is weird. Typical Gaiman. But it is not scary so I am grateful for that. I don’t do scary. Weird is okay.

My infrared thermometer came. I have been playing with it. Then I found out I wasn’t doing it right. Oh well. I had to turn the AC on high as it was getting warm in my room. It is so hot out that I want to be freezing. The house is worse as it doesn’t have AC at all. I need to shower but I think I will do it after dinner. My cousin is having a BBQ but didn’t tell me about it so I won’t be going. My mother is not because she is in too much pain with her knees. I told her I was going to make the pulled pork. It is too sweet for her. It tends to be too much for me. I can make about three sandwiches out of it. I don’t mind having it for a couple of days. It is so good. I also have baby back ribs but it is too hot for the oven. If I knew how to operate the grill, I would grill them. Maybe my sister or brother in law will show me this year how to operate it.

My mother bought Italian ice. It was so good on this hot day. I told her to avoid the back stairs leading outside because my idiot brother in law has the mulch piled higher than the grass so it is like an additional step after the last step. I nearly fell. I sent my brother in law a text about it.

I participated in the BPD chat. I said a couple of things but it wasn’t that interesting today. I had a hard time identifying with the others. Topic was self-identity. I found it interesting as I did struggle through my teens and early twenties about who I was. I think getting a debilitating nerve condition helped sort things out or put things in perspective. It took a while to realize who I was and how to live my life as that person. Then when I came out as transgender, I realized all along I was a male but I just didn’t have the words for it. And it was a chief source of my suicidality and I didn’t realize it. It took me a long time to move forward with transition. Unfortunately, it is going no where because I have decided to end things.

It is getting late and I just realized I didn’t do my meds for the week. I also want to get a few more chapters of Neverwhere in before meds make me dopey. Later all.

Saturday blog 30-June-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 30 June 18

I woke up at night after a shitty night. Pain kept me up till around 0300 or after. I had taken some Benadryl and that seemed to work. I had looked up cornbread pancakes which I had planned to make, except I fell back to sleep and didn’t get up till around 1730. I also sent a message to my Senator. What I wrote, I have no clue or if it made sense as it was late and the Benadryl was kicking in. I didn’t give my number as I didn’t want to get calls. I will probably get emails though. Fricken ass is in Congress another four years I think. I don’t think I voted for him. I just want him out because he is going after opioid manufacturers to decrease supply. That will put stress on chronic pain patients and hospitals, who already don’t have pain meds to give after surgery and things. It is a real mess thanks to the lies of the CDC.

My brother in law had called to tell me there were burgers and I had some and potato salad. I ate a lot for my first meal of the day. Sox are playing and are winning so far 6-0. I got a migraine at the start of the game so I didn’t feel like listening to it. Migraine is gone and I will be going to bed soon. I am just so tired. I hate being up all night because I feel like shit later in the day. My mother made pork fried rice but I don’t like it. It tends to be salty.

I read some of Harry Potter. I should be reading some new book instead of old but Harry is fun reading. I am almost done with the book. I might go back to Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I have plenty of books to read, I just don’t know what I want to read. I have bought some new books, one is something I got intrigued by when they just had an excerpt on when Waldenbooks was still around in Government Center. I used to go there almost every Saturday to buy books. One visit I had an armful of books which would have been at least $70 or more along with a tote bag. I put half of them back. I don’t remember now if I bought the tote bag or if you had to spend so much money to get it free. On Facebook, John Grisham just opened a group for his fans. I haven’t worked out the settings because it is hogging up my feed. Every new person says “thank you for the add. I love *this book* and can’t wait for the Oct new one.” I don’t fricken care! Same with my MASH group. I must have had 10 people say MASH is available on Hulu now, all 11 seasons. I don’t care, I have the DVDs, though I was warned that season 9 and 10 were the same and I would have to purchase one of those seasons separately. I haven’t gone that far yet. I just am up to season 1. I did see the last episode as I was never able to catch it on TV. Sad one. The nice thing about the DVD is no commercials or ads. I love the show and the group. They will post a quote and I will laugh or feel sad. Like Margaret has a few scenes where she shows her soft side and it just gets you. One person in the group doesn’t like BJ and I hate when he posts because he calls him bipolar. He is acting for crying out loud!! It is what made the show! Pisses me off. One guy I had to mute because he is a recovering alcoholic and all throughout the show, they all drink. If it bothers you, don’t watch it!!

I still need to pack my bag for my friend’s BBQ. I got a text saying he cleaned the pool. I am so excited. It should be a good day as long as my foot/ankle doesn’t flare up. It is also going to be a hot one. Perfect weather for the pool and BBQ. Just hope my swim trunks still fit. I bought them a few years ago. They were loose on me. They should fit me now because I gained a few pounds. I just got to find my carry on bag. If not, I will just bring a backpack. I got plenty of those!